Any tips on how to cope with a newborn and a toddler? I am struggling.......

[ceebee74]

DS1 is 2.5 and DS2 is 11 days old and me and DH are struggling with DS1 since I came home from hospital.

He is not vindictive towards DS2 but he will not leave him alone - if DS2 is in his moses basket, DS1 has to have his hands in there poking and prodding, if DS2 is on his baby gym, DS1 has to be on there aswell flailing his legs around, if me or DH are holding DS2, DS1 has to be climbing all over us. He is constantly hassling DS2 and tbh, me and DH are fed up of saying 'be careful', 'don't do that' etc etc.

Also DS1's behaviour has deteriorated - lots of tantrums, whinging etc.

I know all of this is to be expected but we don't really know how to deal with it - we are trying to be as patient as we can with DS1 but it is so hard when it is the 10th tantrum of the day!!

The only peace we get is if DS1 is watching the telly but obviously don't want him to be watching telly all day. plus I am fortunate that DS1 is still going to nursery 4 days a week (as he did when I was working) so we are getting respite for 4 days a week at the moment (this is going to drop to 3 shortly) - but 3 days at home with the 2 of them is really testing me and DH.

Any tips would be gratefully received

For now, just keep your ds2 safe. Forget the baby gym unless ds1 is asleep or out.

Include ds1 in helping look after ds2. Emphasise how he's small and needs you all to look out for him. Remind ds1 how you look after him and care about him.

It's very early days yet and it will settle down.
Congrats on ds2

Can you put ds2 in a room on his own when he is asleep so he is out of harms way and you can give full attention to ds1? If you struggle to put him down then you could put him in a sling and ignore him whislt playing with ds1. Try and do a feed really early before ds1 has woken up to cut down on the time that he perceives as you cuddling ds2 and not playing with him. Get ds1 to help with the baby or get him his own 'baby' to look after.

The 'helping' Mummy thing really worked for us. We got DD to run for nappies/ put things in the bin etc. Lots of praise was required and seemed to help. Get DS1 settled before you start feeding- give him stuff he likes and plonk him in front of the TV for a while- this stage doesn't last forever so don't be too concerned about your normal routine.

Also, did you buy DS1 a present? We bought DD a baby for her to look after when I was looking after DS. It helped her to leave him alone for 5 mins.

I have a 2yoDS and a 12 week old DD.

For the first 8 weeks or so DD was in the playpen so DS has been able to carry on much as normal, we've never had to tell him to be careful of her as she is safe and sound. I am slowly leaving her out on her playmat more often and to my suprise he has been really good with her and just carries on playing.

I am still shattered from trying to deal with them both as DD is bf so that interupts the day a bit too. But after 12 weeks we seem to be getting more organised. It really wans't easy though and we have had lots of tears along the way (mostly mine ).

I have also got DS hooked on Teletubbies which has helped, he doesn't usually sit still for a second otherwise. I encourage him to give her kisses and hugs when I am holding her and ask him to wipe her bottom when i change a wet nappy.

Hang in there, it slowly gets better.

Ah it's a nightmare isn't it!? We have a two year old and a four month old and it was horrible to start with.

Some things you can try:

(1) Put toddler in high chair with paper and pens plus anything messy - glitter is good. He thinks he's getting a treat, you get ten minutes to sort the baby out.
(2) Sit side by side on the sofa with the baby on pillows and read to both while you have a cup of tea (this happens every single day round here and the baby quite likes it too).
(3) If you can wangle it, take them both out together, put the baby in a sling so he can sleep and let your son walk. With luck within an hour the toddler will be knackered and conk out in the car on the way home, so if the baby wakes you have some time with him. If not, you have two sleeping children - hurrah!

It does get easier, honestly

DD is now adept at mopping up DS's sick and will happily fetch and carry and lie peacefully next to him on the baby gym and show him toys.

She still sits on him by accident now and then but he's quite adept at poking her in the eye and hair pulling too so it's quite amicable!

I agree with meglet. DS1 was 17 months old when DS2 came along. The only way I could stop DS1 poking and prodding the new baby was to set up the travel cot in the lounge. The new baby spent most of his time in there. Initially I felt guilty aobut that but everybody became more relaxed (including the new baby) and that had a positive effect on DS1.

It will get better. Good luck

"Hang in there, it slowly gets better." I completely agree Meglet.

Can DH take DS1 out for a while to give you and new baby a bit of time together and are you able to spend a bit of time on your own with ds1 too?

Did you go to any groups before? See if you can keep the same routine.

My dd1 liked going to playgroup and seemed to use up a lot of energy there.

Thanks for all the suggestions so far.

Fortunately DS2 appears to be a good sleeper and is perfectly happy to be left in his moses basket awake or asleep so I don't need to worry about holding him constantly - andI get plenty of one-on-one time with DS1 but it just doesn't seem enough for him.

DH has taken DS1 to a soft play area, to MIL's for hours at a time to keep the routine we always had - but again, it doesn't seem enough.

I know I am fortunate getting 4 days a week where I get to spend time just with DS2 - but I feel guilty that on the other 3 days, he pretty much gets abandoned in his Moses basket while we try and focus on DS1.

As I had a c-section, I can't drive anywhere or walk long distances at the moment - I feel it would be so much easier if this was the summer and I could chuck DS1 into the garden for hours at a time!!

DH is going back to work next week - fortunately he works from home 50% of the time but is away the other 50% of the time and I am dreading the days when I am alone with my 2 boys - and it shouldn't be like that should it?

Had similar age gap- almost exactly two years. Yes get DS to help and lots of praise for the clever big brother. try and remember the baby knows no better and so will not mind so much being put second for a while to fit in with family. It is hard, gets easier though.

ceebee I hated the first few days I was on my own with both of them . I can't imagine how anyone could find it easy at the start. Poor DP got home on several occasions to find me still in my pj's. I had a cs too so felt really restricted for a few weeks.

And after speaking to all the other mums i know they all admitted that they had only really shouted at their pfb's once they had a second child .

Yep we are praising DS1 a lot and getting him to help with DS2 which he is more than happy to do.

Meglet - thanks for that, I do feel better. We also rarely shouted at DS1 before (we have quite a relaxed style of parenting) but it just seems now like that is all we ever do! No wonder DS1 is finding it difficult!!