Help am I being unreasonable??

[carlygarrett]

I have a extremely difficult ds just turned 3. He has about 20 tantrums per day and over the last few days things have got much worse and he just screams and shouts as soon as anything isn't the way he wants (I was woken at 5 this morning with him shouting 'mummy come and get me now!') So already the day has started in a bad way
We have just had a huge showdown after him screaming that he wanted to use the towl that I was putting in the washing machine, I warned him that if he didn't stop shouting he wouldn't go to today's birthday party but he continued and also pulled out all the washing. resulting in me telling him he can't go to a birthday party at 2pm today - is that unreasonable? I just don't know how to stop this behaviour. I have been on Parenting courses, 1 to 1's, read a million books and try to use the positive parenting approach but he is just the child from hell (90% of the time) and I'm now thinking that the soft approach isn't the best way and he needs to learn a lesson.
Sorry for the rant!!!!

I wonder if you could have just let him play with the towel for 5 minutes, then when he forgot about it, bung it in machine, play dumb if he asks where it went, and the whole latest thing could have been avoided.

Sometimes you have to choose your battles carefully.

If it makes you feel better, I was supposed to get the Xmas dex down today, but am not doing it now because of bad behaviour from my 9yo DS. We might tomorrow, just have to see. Meanwhile I am busy doing other things with him, inbetween bouts of researching all the advice on teaching a child impulse control, sigh.

I also think you could've let him play with the towel for a bit and avoided the meltdown. Can you spot him doing something really well accidentally on purpose and let him go to the party anyway? Seems mean to me to stop him from going.

I'm sorry if this is something which you've already tried, but there is the theory (which I agree with) that a lot of this sort of behaviour is about control - namely, that toddlers often feel they don't have any and try to get it by "force" ie throwing tantrums.

One way of trying to deal with this is to actually give your toddler more control and responsibility.

So, you could get him to help get himself dressed in the morning, certainly get him to choose which socks / jumper etc he wants to wear, get it out of the cupboard himself etc. And lots of praise when he does it (even if he chooses something bizarre).

And with the washing machine scenario, you could perhaps turn it around and say "excellent, you're going to help me with the washing!" and let him load not just the towel, but everything else into the machine too, then get him to press the right buttons to switch it on etc etc. Again, LOTS of praise when he does it right, and as little negative reaction as possible if he does it wrong ie pulls out all the stuff (sometimes negative attention is more "fun" than doing it right!).

I think you see what I mean. I read an excellent article on this a while ago, which listed loads of great examples (the washing machine was actually one of them, iirc). I'll try and find it, if you like.

HTH, and sorry if you've already tried it!!

I would have let him play with the towel. Why not? It wouldn't have hurt either to put it in the wash if he got fed up with it a few minutes later (as someone else said) or put it in a later wash.
I would probably have asked him to stop screaming and ask nicely for the towel and then given it to him.

Also think yabu not letting him go to the party. A bit ott imo.

Will he get tired this afternoon after the 5am start? Or maybe he'll be ready for bed sooner. Then maybe you'll get a bit of space to yourself.
It's difficult to see things clearly sometimes if you are tired.
Hope you feel better soon and maybe take him to the party and get to talk to people yourself. That usually helps me to feel better and get things more in perspective.

Great idea Rebelmum about getting 3yo to help load the washing machine. Mine loved doing that.

But why couldn't he have the towel?

I know it's hard but the best advice I was ever given was to choose what you say no about very carefully.

So "no" to sticking wet fingers in plug sockets or tearing the legs off spiders. And "no" to wanting sweets in every shop.

But "ok then" to having a towel that needed washing or emptying out the dirty washing and playing iwth it.

It is possible he wanted the towel because he saw it was what you were concentrating on? And it is his 3 year old way of saying "I want your interest to be me".

Try and put yourself in his position today and work out how many times you tell him what to do or what not to do. For 3 year olds life can be a bit like boot camp - lot's of "no" "not now" "stop it" "get up" "go to bed" "get dressed" "eat your tea" "no sweets" "no party".

And everytime you say something negative (like no towel) follow up immediately with two positive things about him - even if you have to make them up!

And at 3 I'm afraid I think he's too young to do the "I'm cross; mummy said no yelling; last time I still yelled there was no party so I will now stop yelling" thing.

In fact I have never met an adult, let alone a child, who has been able to get out of a bad mood by being told off. It just doesn't happen.

"everytime you say something negative (like no towel) follow up immediately with two positive things about him "
Oh I like that

I get my ds to do loads of little things, like putting things in the bin, or getting out his own plate and cup, getting his shoes out, etc.
I've really noticed that he responds much better to (rather manipulative) positive requests rather than stern instructions or tellings off.

So if I say "it's time for teeth brushing" and ds doesn't want to stop playing and starts getting a bit stroppy, we turn it into "oooh, can you show daddy where your tooth brush is? and do you remember how to brush your teeth? can you show me how to do that?" and he'll usually toddle off to the bathroom to proudly demonstrate the above.

If, however, I try and go the stern "no more playing, time to brush your teeth NOW" route, I more often than not get a much more stroppy and whiny toddler who is now unwilling to brush his teeth because he will be Giving In to the Vile Dictator that is His Mother

I wasn't even aware that he wanted the towel until he came screaming his head off and running down stairs. I had whizzed around upstairs collecting laundrey whilst dh was getting him dressed and it was all in the machine, powder in, just about to turn it on when he decided it was what he wanted. I did ask him to calm down and stop screaming at me but he just goes so crazy and then I get annoyed. I guess I should have let him play with it but to be honest it didn't occur to me. He ususally always helps with the washing and believe me I can pluck a positive out of nowhere!
Thank you all for your advice xx

"and then I get annoyed."
That's the bit you have to work on. Easier said than done, I know, especially after being up from 5am. But just think, if it's tough for you to control your emotions think how much more difficult it is for your 3yo.
Count to 10, deep breathe and smile (even if you want to rip his head off)

It must be a lovely towel!

Good luck for the rest of the day whatever you decide about the party.