Inappropriate touching by a 6 year old

[Pip]

I really could do with some advice please.
It´s about my DS, he´s six. To give a bit of background info - he´s a very innocent six year old, very sweet, caring, a bit too responsible and well-behaved, loves other children. A bit too nice and soft for this world infact. I think he´s a bit of a late starter in some respects, he´s only recently started to display more "boyish" traits, a little bit more aggression, slight disobedience, touching his own body parts - we as parents have been pleased to see these actions, and view them to be healthy. We also have another son (4) who is much more your typical boy.

I have to say that DS1 has spent much more time with DH as DS2 is extremely demanding and has taken up much more of my time. DS1 has a very strong bond with DH. DH is very sensitive and caring and we are a very tactile, loving family.

Yesterday DH was reading the boys their bedtime story. DS1 started stroking DH´s willy. DH leapt up, horrified, probably shouted at DS1 which made DS1 cry (he doesn´t like getting told off, he´s not really used to it). DH said he was terrified, all he could think of was that DS1 had possibly been abused. He calmed down (DH that is) and took DS1 into another room to have a chat with him. He tried to explain that it´s okay to touch yourself (not in public!) but not to touch other people. DS1 said he did it because he´d been doing it to himself and it felt nice. I think he´s only recently discovered this and is a late developer. DS2 is forever messing about with his willy.

What we´re not sure about is how to deal with it. We´re pretty sure he´s never done it to anyone else, we think he was just trying to be nice and have a nice cuddle without realising that it was totally inappropriate. DH asked him if anyone else had touched him there, DS1 said no. Knowing him and his usual inability to tell a lie, I think he´s telling the truth.

What we don´t want to do is to make a huge thing about it and create a sort of "forbidden fruit" situation - I feel that a lot of sexual fantasies/fetishes take their root in childhood. I´m worried he could try to do this to another child. I don´t know whether I´m over-reacting. Should we just ignore it? Bring it up again just to check the message got through? The situation was resolved peacefully and DH went back and finished the story. DS1 hasn´t mentioned it and is behaving normally.

I´d appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance.

My ds4 aged almost 4, came up to me last week and started stroking my boob. I just said not to do that calmly and he stopped, I explained that some body parts were private and left it at that. I would guess your ds was doing this innocently and if there are no other alarm bells ringing for you in relation to this, then leave as it is.

Just as an aside, get an appropriately aged book that deals with body parts and making/having babies as it becomes a normal and usual thing to talk about therefore (IMO) not making these things taboo.

HTH

Thanks QueenEagle, that does help. I do think it´s innocent. He´s a very happy well-adjusted boy and very open. He has tried to touch my boobs once or twice recently too. He talks about kissing (and bodily functions as well) quite a bit.

I definitely do not want to create taboos as that only leads to problems. I like the idea of a book, will look into it.
Thanks, you´ve made me feel better.

pip please please don't worry about this. it sounds fine to me, it really does. innocent and understandable. my DS of 5 (typical boy like your DS2) has started trying to snog me 'like at the end of sleeping beauty mummy' on occasion recently (yikes!) - and he's certainly pretty interested at times in in DH's 'apparatus' when they share showers and baths. again all that was needed was a bit of a chat about things. how would your son have known that touching your DH there was taboo? it seemed logical to him that it was a body part to be stroked like any other. i am sure that he will take on board what you've told him. if it happens again just repeat what you've already done. i don't think there is any need to be too freaked out here (though i totally understand why your DH reacted the way he did!).

Thanks, it´s really good to get other perspectives on it. I think we did over-react a little.

Another vote for not worrying about it. Yes it's important for kids to understand about privacy and boundaries and inappropriate touching, but equally important not to either make them afraid of their own bodies or to starve them of affection altogether (as some people do out of fear of 'abuse' - stop cuddling their children, which is desperately sad).

another voice of reassurance: perfectly innocent and sweet of your ds to want to give his little brother something that was nice for him

6yo logic, nothing to do with being abused

of course, he is not allowed to do it, but he can't be expected to know that

he needs to be told gently

it's yet another of those grown-up rules that don't make sense until you see them in retrospect (but then of course they do make sense)

yup. mine do it too. obsessed with those parts and all things 'rude' (chanting poo and wee poo and wee, fiddling with themselves) like you, I have an ARRRGGGGHHHH reaction, mostly because I am terrified that if they behave like this at school, the school will think they are being abused (the other week ds1 drew pictures and was talking about taking clothes off and it freaked me out because of how the school might interpret it. We tell them over and over and over that some things are private, but that just makes them do it more . I understand that it is normal, but it still worries me. I am scared we will get a visit from social services.

Not surprised dh was startled but I do think this is within the normal range of behaviour.

I keep having to tell ds that if he wants to touch his willy, he should do it in private. Sigh... Haven't found him playing doctors and nurses with any friends for a while though. Last time it was him and a little girl taking each others pants off to have a good look. I know it's normal but wasn't sure what the mum would think.

The poo and wee obsession is familiar. Somehow ds found out that vultures pee on their food before they eat it. Thinks this is hilarious and keeps shouting it at the top of his voice when we are in public.