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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Advice needed please on DS who thinks its hysterically funny when I get cross with him!!

21 replies

basementbear · 28/11/2008 10:19

DS2 has always been a bit defiant, but just lately it is driving me mad. Recently he has started refusing to come to the table at mealtimes, he thinks its terribly funny to run off in the opposite direction. He has always been a good eater, but he just says he is not hungry and doesn't want to come. I have tried star charts, getting cross, trying to reason with him, ignoring it etc but nothing seems to work.

It is completely ruining mealtimes for everyone because we used to all sit nicely together and wait for each other if anyone was a bit slow - the rule was that you couldn't get down from the table until everyone has finished. Now I am letting DS1 get down when he is done because I don't see why he should have to be kept waiting by someone else's naughtiness. I feel that if I just ignore DS2's laughing, he gets away with it and I have threatened to throw the food in the bin if he doesn't come but I can't stand to waste food!! So I end up threatening to take toys away if he doesn't come straight away etc but I just sound like such a nag. Sorry, this is a bit of a rant, but any advice would be welcome

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Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 10:31

How old are they?

Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 10:35

The 'don't get down from the table until everyone has finished' is difficult with two or more young ones.

Hathor · 28/11/2008 10:38

Sounds like you are not following through with any consequences for bad behaviour. Keep calm and kind, but explain why you want him to listen and what you expect and what he can expect reward or consequence-wise. Follow it through calmly and with no backing out. Praise him when he does do well, but also praise other dc for all good behaviour.

Hathor · 28/11/2008 10:39

Oh dear, that sounds preachy - sorry! Are they very young?

Niecie · 28/11/2008 10:39

My DS2 was like this as well. In the end we used to ignore him completely and he would come in his own time. This sort of behaviour thrives on attention so taking it way did seem to help.

It isn't a quick fix though (I see you have already tried it). It took several weeks before it wasn't an issue which is horrible. I used to tell him it was teatime and he had to come to the table and then just leave him. He hated not being part of things.

Thankfully he is 5 now and has grown out of it and is keen to help with carrying things to the table and a little bit of cooking. Maybe you could get your DS2 more involved in cooking and table laying. That might help too.

Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 10:50

Oh I misread the OP. I thought he kept getting up and down during the meal.

I had a lot of problems with DS when he was 4 over this.

Give him a five minute warning that the meal is ready, if he says he isn't hungry say that he needs to come and sit with you for 5 minutes and chat and then he can get down if he's still not hungry. (They usually remember they are hungry after a couple of mins in front of food).

Don't keep the other child waiting. Focus your energy on enjoying your food with the other child.

What worked was getting him to empathise with me - I made a meal and he doesn't even want to sit at the table for 5 minutes. How would he feel if he drew me a picture and then I didn't look at it.

Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 10:52

BTW I did the empathy thing out of context, not at meal times.

Also I don't serve the food until they are actually at the table then it can go in the fridge until later.

Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 10:58

Here's my thread from last year about my difficulties with DS if you can face it

Original poster

basementbear · 28/11/2008 13:41

Thanks everyone - to answer your question, otherside, they are 5 and 6.5. The reason I started the "no getting down till everyone is finished" rule was because DS2 was a bit slower, so I wanted DS1 to wait which he is perfectly capable and willing to do.

I feel like I have been doing everything I should, yes I do give them a five minute warning that it's nearly teatime, I do follow through by confiscating a toy etc and I feel that ignoring him should work, but it also feels like I am then sending him a message that it doesn't matter if he comes to the table or not - and he gets what he wants.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 28/11/2008 14:21

Well I think 5 is old enough for him to understand that it is rude not to join everyone, even if he is not hungry.

Original poster

basementbear · 28/11/2008 14:32

yes he definitely understands that he is being naughty by not coming to the table,
that's why he thinks it's funny. Question is how do I get him to come to the table and stay there though!! Thanks for pointing me to your thread otherside, interesting reading!

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 28/11/2008 16:06

i think there are two ways to go - my ds (5) is exactly the same at the moment btw - you could either play nice and get them involved in the cooking (pizzas, meatballs, fishcakes etc) or have them doing something in the kitchen while you're cooking so they will be there when the dinner is ready.

or you could go back to timing out - I timed my ds out last week for the first time in ages and he was absolutely stunned...my ds' dad makes him stay at the table on his own or gives him a specific amount of time to get to the table or it goes in the bin but thats just not my style - mind you my ds says his cooking is worse so maybe he has to be more hardline

do you do over-the-top rewards for the ds who does behave?is it a reaction to having to do what hes told in reception all day?

Original poster

basementbear · 28/11/2008 18:38

Thanks giant, I did begin to wonder if it was a control thing since he started reception in September. I don't tend to give rewards for something that I would like to be "normal" behaviour, but I have tried the star charts for good eating/staying at table. Usually just a small treat at the end of the week. Time out does work but I find it such a pain! The last thing you want when you're trying to get everyone to eat is to have to keep going backwards and forwards (he takes several attempts before he'll stay in the time-out room).

Today I threatened him with a hair wash (which he detests) to get him to stay at the table and eat nicely! Not a good tactic but it did work.

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 29/11/2008 15:31

we also do daft singing/word games at the table - twenty questions to guess what animal I am etc so maybe if you did that loudly with your other ds then the other one would feed left out and want to join in?

btw mine has just started randomly lying about stuff - whats that all about?

Original poster

basementbear · 01/12/2008 12:09

Started my Monday morning as I mean to go on - got tough with DS2. He ended up having two lots of time out but did eventually come to the table and eat his breakfast (although DS1 had already finished and got down by then). I really don't want to start having battles about eating though because he has always been a good eater. I tried to make it clear to him that the time out was for the fact that he did not come to the table when I asked him to (I gave him a five minute warning beforehand). Last night I tried the ignoring tactic but that didn't work at all, he stayed in his room and my DH ended up throwing the food in the bin.

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 01/12/2008 18:34

so how did dinner go then?

Original poster

basementbear · 03/12/2008 12:46

Dinner went well actually! Gave him lots of warnings and he came to table straight away, and ate everything . Yesterday not too bad, did have to give him time out at dinner time but after he'd finished the time out he came to the table and ate nicely.

I am determined to get this sorted, and I think he is beginning to realise I mean business!!

OP posts:

giantsantasacks · 03/12/2008 14:06

well done...

Original poster

basementbear · 03/12/2008 20:07

Tonight he came to the table nicely but wouldn't eat anything! I don't want this to become a food battle so I couldn't give him time out for not being hungry. I left the food out and told him that if he really wasn't hungry he should just come and eat it when he was ready. He eventually ate it just after 7pm. Stone cold - yuk, but at least he ate something, I hate to think of him going to bed hungry.

Not sure if that was the right thing to do, don't want him to think he can just eat whenever it suits him ...

OP posts:

giantsantasacks · 03/12/2008 21:12

i think it probably was right - he must have enjoyed it less than he would have done when it was warm and when everyone else was there all together.

had he been snacking beforehand? i think if it becomes his new thing then you'd have to do something about it - he's lost the power of not coming to the table so he might want to replace it/push the boundaries with something else.

was it a dinner he normally loves?

Original poster

basementbear · 04/12/2008 13:34

It was something he normally loves, so I was quite surprised he wouldn't eat - like I said originally he has always been a good eater. Will have to just keep a close eye on it, breakfast went well today at least (the added incentive of the chocolate from his advent calendar after breakfast helps a bit )

OP posts:

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