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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS6 is only boy in class who does not play football and is being left out.

17 replies

Victoria72 · 27/11/2008 23:06

My dear boy is a lovely, kind and considerate 6 year old in a class of 30, only 11 of which are boys. 10 of them are mad about football and play all the time, during and after school, my boy does French after school instead. He was bullied by one of the boys once (an issue we dealt with) but he now declares he "hates football" although I feel it may be related to the bullying issue.

The only way he will be able to get involved with these boys is if he joins in but he completely refuses to. At lunch time he plays with one or two girls or he's on his own. The other night he said he was very lonely at school and I nearly burst into tears.

I am thinking about trying to get him some one-2-one football training to build up his confidence as I suspect once he's started, he will enjoy it. However, he is very down about it all and I really don't know what to do. He does Beavers and gymnastics, karate and swimming, so is not afraid to try things. It's just this bloody football thing! Any suggestions? Please!

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Doodle2U · 27/11/2008 23:22

My son (Yr 3, aged 7) is pretty much in the same boat. Told he was rubbish at footie when he was in reception and that was it - game over and he totally lost his confidence with it

Rest of boys in his class all seem to love football.

My DS is struggling with self-esteem and social skills and part of the problem is he says he gets stuck at lunch and break time, with no one to play with. I don't fully believe this because I know he does play in some group games and he does play with some of the girls. Sadly, he also has an imaginary friend that he only talks to in school because it stops him feeling lonely!

Had parents evening last Monday and his teacher has said she will cruise the playground for a couple of weeks to see if she can see what's going on.

LittleBella · 27/11/2008 23:29

Have you spoken to his form teacher about it?

My DS was having similar probs though in his case it was becuase he wasn't being allowed to play football and he therefore developed a defence mechanism of reading in break time instead. So the fact that he had given up expecting to be included, went unnoticed.

I think the prob here is that if he is saying he hates football, that's harder to address because it sounds like a defence mechanism against having to engage with the boy who bullied him.

LittleBella · 27/11/2008 23:30

Doodle - my DS's form teacher has tackled this by giving him a ball from her cupboard. The idea being that if you are the one with the ball, other boys will play with you.

So far it seems to be working.

Original poster

Victoria72 · 27/11/2008 23:31

Thanks doodle2u. We are quite worried about him. I read Mrsmaidamess's post and it sounded quite similar. It's just so sad that a lovely child can see themselves in such a negative way when really they are so lovely. Kids can also be so cruel sometimes. I hope he (and yours) find his way soon.

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Original poster

Victoria72 · 27/11/2008 23:33

LittleBella - we did speak to his teacher and she has been aware of the bullying issue and this particular cretin that has made DS's life a misery. They have been on top of it and I think it's died a death for a while. However, I think the dye has been cast as far as the football goes, having said that, the idea about the teacher giving him the ball is a very good one and I am making a note of that now. Thank you.

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TheCrackFox · 27/11/2008 23:37

My DS1 hates football unlike every boy in his class. Strangely, despite that, he seems quite popular.

It is odd this expectation for boys to be football mad. I am sure mothers of daughters don't fret if they hate, for example, ballet.

My DH, brother and dad all hate football and they all seem fairly(ish) normal.

DS2 is football mad.

Sorry I am rambling but I think my point is your DS cannot to be made to like something he hates.

skramble · 27/11/2008 23:41

I know it is a long way off but my DS now nearly 12 ws never into football, I think he had a go at lunchtime with the footy boys but never really "got it", now he is at high school and started playing rugby, loves it, suits him much more and he is making freinds with all the older rugby boys who seem to be much more "something" than the football boys.

Don't know what it is but they seem such a good bunch. When I saw one of the older lads shaking my boys hand when they got off the bus my heart flipped. I was so worried about my DS not fitting in at school when he was younger, not getting footbal and all that.

Perhaps your DS could find some older boys at school to play with that don't play football. Its great that he does beavers and all the other actvities, it will make all the difference. My DS is now in scouts, all the way from being a beaver and he has made some really good friends there.

bunny3 · 27/11/2008 23:47

Gawd, my ds went through this in Yr 2 and it made me so . A majority of boys in his class were football mad and ds was totally isolated. He didnt enjoy school becvasue he said he was always lonely at playtime. I would walk past the playground and see he was on his own, it was utterly heartbreaking and I would go home and cry. The school were fairly hopeless but they did extend a buddying scheme into yr 2 to try and help. For us the biggest change came when we bought ds a playstation - the boys in his class were either football mad or into playstation games so we bought him a PS2 with some of the most popular games (such as lego starwars). This gave ds something to talk about and allowed him to join in playground games. I dont particularly like games consoles but the playstation has really helped ds find an interest that he can share with his class mates. The difference it has made is amazing. Now if I walk past the playground I see him charging around reenacting a starwars scene. He is very happy and well-liked now. good luck.

Lurcio · 27/11/2008 23:47

My son (now 11) was like this. His classmates would play and he would refuse to, insisting that he hated football. I think his Dad and I having a bit of a kick about in the park helped to get him interested and gave him the confidence to try and join in.
I agree with the 'being the one to supply the ball' strategy, it does seem to work.

If it's any consolation, there are many times now, when I am standing in the playground after school, freezing to death, while he keeps insisting "another 5 minutes", that I wish he still hated football!

NotanOtter · 27/11/2008 23:50

ds1 and ds3 have no interest in football so i do feel for you however i do NOT think football is he answer

he needs the confidence to be different and you can help with that

ds1 is now 16 and very popular and extremely confident

aged 6 i would never have dreeeeeeamed tha the odd little boy who i would try to encourage to be 'one of the lads' would have turned out like this

he is RUBBISH at sport - all bar cross country ( only good at that as 6 foot and skin and bone )

however he loves acting debating is really academic does voluntary work and has loads of proper boy friends

none of the big boys play football ooohhh noooooo

its a difficult time and i know i will have this issue with ds3 now 5... he cant kick his own heels...!

please dont try to force him - does he play with the girls?

Original poster

Victoria72 · 28/11/2008 10:40

Hello, NotanOtter, yes he does play with the girls but he's becoming aware of the fact that it's always 'the girls'. It would be nice to think that once he's grown a little he'll find his way. Bunny3, we have bought him a DS for Christmas with a few popular games - hopefully that'll make a difference. All your comments are very encouraging, thank you for taking the time.

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happywomble · 28/11/2008 11:17

My DS is in yr 2 and one of the few who doesn't play football. It is not taught in school - it is an extra curricular thing for us and he has another activity on Saturday mornings when the football takes place. I think schools should teach football once a week during pe time so that people don't get left out.

However my DS still seems fairly popular in his class - like yours there are only 11 boys. He doesn't have a particular friend but gets on with all the other boys.

If your Ds does Beavers he is presumably making other friends there. I would talk to the teacher and mention your concerns about your DS being isolated at lunchtimes and see what she suggests.

Threadworrm · 28/11/2008 11:21

I wouldn't want to encourage him much to get into football. That might just reinforce his feeling that it is 'not ok' to be uninterested in football.

And playground crazes shift anyway. In a month or so it might be racing, or trading cards, or whatever that the boys are keen on.

I would concentrate on making him feel good about himself whatever his play choices are. School friendships are so fluid in any case. There was a girl in DS1's class who used to be very much a tomboy, preferring to play always with the boys. That evened out over time and she eventually settled in well among the girls (as well as retaining her lovely tomboyish characteristics).

LadyLauraStandish · 28/11/2008 11:30

Victoria, I know what this is like!

Ds1 was exactly the same. He couldn't understand why anyone would like football!

As others have said, I didn't push the football thing. I wanted him to understand that it was okay to be different and not follow the crowd. He made friends with a few girls who were into running around and inventing games and he was really happy.

He is 11 now and has moved to a boys' school so no girls to fall back on! He still hates sports but older boys seem to be more accepting of variation than the little ones.

Good luck.

Tapster · 28/11/2008 12:10

Difficult my DH didn't like most sports and especially football at school and did find it isolating. Even now as an adult he finds other male friendships difficult as he does not watch sport. Does he have any role models at home DH or brothers? I would use them.

Original poster

Victoria72 · 28/11/2008 12:32

Tapster, besides his dad (who is a SAHD) he sadly does not have any other male role models. He has a younger brother, 15 months, and they get on like a house on fire. Hopefully time will sort him out. He just seems so sad sometimes...

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geogteach · 28/11/2008 12:50

Ds1 was like this too. He does now play football, what made a difference to him was getting into matchattax. He like his dad is interested in the watching side and all the endless statistics and this gave him a way in with the other kids. He originally played with the girls but their games involve lots of talking and as he is deaf he cannot cope with that in the background noise of the playground, he finds he can play football without having to listen so much!

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