My 7 year old dd just won't play along with anything - what's going on?

[cleversprout]

My 7 year old dd is lovely, but OMG, she is hard work. She has always been strong minded which I know is a good thing in the long term. What I find really difficult about her is that she will never just "go along" with anything. She always wants everything different.

I'll give some examples.

You take her to a party. She won't join in with anything. She won't even accept a party bag at the end. She is not a shy quiet child, so it;s not that. It's like she's making a point, but I have no idea why. On way home from party she was annoyed because her brother and sister had sweets but she didn;t, so she obviously had wanted the bag but for some reason wouldn;t take it. I asked her why and she shrugged and said she didn;t want one.

She told her teacher she won;t wear the costume for the Christmas show. Her teacher told her she has to. Have yet to see how this goes!

She tells me 5 minutes before a playdate that she doesn;t want to go. There are many more examples.

Does anyone's else's child do complicated stuff like this? Why do you think she does this? Is it for attention?

Would appreciate any suggestions for how to handle this!

Sounds like she wants to be in control even though she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

How do you react when she in being contrary in this way?

well it depends on the situation. For the party bag scenario I just said fine, but felt slightly embarrassed in front of the hostess! When she was complaining about lack of sweets I reminded her that she could have had her own, then left it up to her siblings if they wanted to share but I wasn't going to make them!

With the playdate I said we had to go - I wasn;t going to disappoint her brother and sister and the friend who had invited us. I told her we were going and I expected her to behave politely. We have had a lot of similar conversations - she is often really grumpy and miserable so I have told her that she can be like that if she wants to but she must not be rude to people (has happened!) I do take what she wants into account e.g. trying to arrange things for her with older kids so she's not tagging along with her younger siblings but it doesn't always work and also she tends not to say anything until int's too late.

It could be a control thing - she doesn;t like surprises either.

if be like " hard shit kid" in mnay instances.

at 7 this must come across as being v. rude.

esp. play dates, the mum might have been planning activities and food to keep them occupied.

a lesson in good manners and saying "thank you" to make other PEOPLE happy, even if what youare accepting wouldn't make you necessarily happy or unhappy ( a la sweetbag)

she sounds rather unpleasant. i hope she isn't

I'm in a similar boat with my ds. He would deffinately cut off his nose to spite his face everytime. Then after he has missed out on whatever it was it's huge tears cos he wanted it or to do it really.

Well that's what I don;t want - people thinking she's a miserable lttle madam. I don't want to dismiss her feelings the way my parents do with her ("oh you're ok" etc) but she does need to be polite. I have told her that when people ask her how she is she needs to answer them politely, but at the same time why should she say "fine" just because that's what they want to hear? (I have stopped asking her how she is, by the way - I prefer just to keep the show on the road.) I agree that please and thank you are necessary though.

So, custardo, you think I should make her accept the party bag even is she says she doesn;t want it?

I'm not Custardo, but I think so. She can always pass it on to the deserving poor.

I would have a serious talk to her about how she would feel if she had gone to a lot of trouble to make a nice surprise for someone and they showed openly that they didn't care. And if she uses a miserable and whining tone when speaking to the family, I would keep pulling her up briskly about that as I would about any other bad habit (nose-picking, whingeing toddlers). No doubt children don't feel like giving up nose-picking, but they still have to.

As for not wearing the costume, this is part of her school activities; unless she is extremely shy and unhappy about it, I'd leave the teacher to enforce it (and secretly hope she gets detention as for any other piece of work left undone).

I would have no hesitation in telling my dcs that they cannot be constantly grumpy and miserable around other people. This is a girl who will have to grow into an adult and get along with other adults in the workplace: we don't do this by constantly displaying all our misery to bore other people stiff. Saying 'fine' a lot of the time (not always) is an essential social skill. Eeyore is not a successful individual, nor a happy one.

Sorry, sound harsh, I'm imagining myself speaking to my own 8yo and this is more or less what I'd say to him.

I think she would tell me to give the party bag to the poor people then go on and on about it for days. That's why I think she does this partly for attention.

It is embarrassing when she's grumpy to other adults. She's not a toddler any more. Because I was always forced to say the right thing and have the right face on as a child I have always wanted my children to be able to feel more negative feelings openly and not have to pretend. But it's difficult to get the balance and like you say she does have to live in society.

She's a very bright child academically but socially/emotionally she struggles.

She sounds like my DPs DS just turned 7 who has always been an awkward child, will cut of his nose every time. Ask if he wants a drink, the two girls (one DPs one mine) will say juice - he will always say water. It seems to be a control issue and he doesnt like supprises either. He will always say and do the oposite of what everyone else does/wants.

So Im afraid we take the "like it or lump it" approach and dont give him the oportunity to have too much "choice". It seems the more control he is allowed the worse he gets, but seems happier the firmer the boundaries and the clearer the expectations regarding his behaviour. He is a terrible scowler and very moody - if looks could kill.... (and I wont even mention his table manners!!!)

Ruby2Shoes you could be describing my delightful daughter there! We also have a better time if she knows exactly what's going to happen and if I tell her exactly what I expect from her. I have always used quite a clear and firm approach too. But life is not always like that and you do have to learn to go with the flow sometimes.

Most of my friends seem to have quite easy going kids so it's good to know I'm not alone!

Luckily she has a very understanding teacher this year. She was finding that her friends excluded her because she was sulking or whatever and they got fed up with her. Her teacher has given her strategies to use, for example, explaining to her friends that she didn;t feel like playing right now but she would play later if they asked again.