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18 month old, every day a battle

17 replies

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 26/11/2008 17:06

Does anyone else have regular battles with their 18 month old? DS is nearly 19 months and I am sick of it taking 1/2 hour to leave the house chasing him round trying to get his coat on, wresting whatever he's playing with out of his hands, getting his shoes on, changing his nappy, etc etc etc.

I thought tantrums weren't supposed to start yet?? Today: I have been kicked in the eye changing his nappy, he threw himself down on the garden path (for no obvious reason) and I had to drag him screaming into the house, tantrum trying to leave a P&T group, getting him in and out of car/buggy twice, threw his lunch on the floor (again) plus all the usual stuff above and more. I am just bloody exhausted and fed up.

Anyone want to take him have the same thing?

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catweazle · 26/11/2008 17:30

My DD is 20 months and we've been having battles for months. I sympathise.

thisisthelast · 26/11/2008 17:53

My 16 month old dd2 does all the above and more . Still screams and cries all the time. I am feeling a bit down about it too.

I am so fed up of all the struggles and very little happy time together. She is just generally high maintanance and miserable.

Has to get her own way and theres hell to pay if she doesnt.

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 26/11/2008 18:00

How do either of you cope with it? I'm finding it harder to deal with it without shouting which then makes me feel bad, of course. Doesn't make any difference to his behaviour anyway.

Got him up from his nap earlier, as I walked in he said 'daddy', then burst into tears when I said 'no it's mummy' . Maybe we spend too much time together!

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thisisthelast · 26/11/2008 18:06

I get that all the time too. I'm not sure I cope very well at all tbh.

DD1 was very laid back and is still an easy going 4 year old, always happy, think she onlt had 2 BIG tantrums in her whole life.

DD2 totally different. Tantrummed from 10 months and never really stops . She hits, pinches, cries when I tell her not to.

Everyday is a battle with her and actually things seem to be getting worse but maybe shes teething.

I never really know with her as she cries so much anyway its a bit like the boy who cried wolf. When theres generally something wrong I have little sympathy.

I shout too and I feel generally shattered by her

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 26/11/2008 18:27

Poor you too .

I sometimes dread (and even avoid) going to things sometimes (eg playgroups) in anticipation of the battle of it all.

I wonder how much of it can be put down to frustration at not being able to express/do what they want? In any case, doesn't make much difference even if you do know why they do it.

Hope someone might come along and give us both coping strategies.

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thisisthelast · 26/11/2008 19:40

I avoid going to things too. DD still fidgets and cries in her pushchair after 20 minutes, and the car seat. She is just generally hard work.

Just taking her to the shops for a loaf of bread takes 2 or 3 scraming fits, one for her coat, one for her shoes, one to put her in the buggy.

Nappy changes are a wrestling match. Everything feels a bit draining with her which I feel bad about.

She can be lovely but she choses to be so rarely. She is so so independant that any interaction or guidance from me p*s her off and makes her impossible to be around sometimes, most of the time really.

I try to tell myself its frustration but Ive been tellin myself that for 16 months now and not much changes.

Tough going when its like this all the time. Has your ds always been high maintanance or just recently? if its just recently then Id put it down to frustration or teething and cross my fingers in the hope it gets better soon.

DD been a grump since a week old

noonki · 26/11/2008 19:57

My 18month old is just like this, but so was DS1 who is now 3 and I learnt the hard way that by far the quickest way for them to end is to ignore them.

It's the start of the 'praise the good, ignore the bad' philosophy that really works.

I think at this age they are so frustrated: they understand so much what is told to them but can't speak much, they have developed a strong sense of indepence but there is little they are allowed to do. They have no concept of time pressure, and they think if you are getting riled that you are playing a game. They are not out to upset you, they don't have enough empathy to understand that you can be upset.

so just repeat after me: praise the good ignore the bad for about the next 18 years and all will be ok!

OlaMamas · 26/11/2008 19:57

If it was a DS instead of a DD I would actually think you were talking about my child with the battles you describe! My DS now 14 and a half months has been a misery and very hard work for the last 14 months!!! The first 2 weeks I worried he slept too much.... If only I knew what was to come! I started another link under behaviour about my DS2 being a nightmare and have to say there has been a lot of fab advice on there.... so might be worth a look! Made me feel slightly better and more positive time... and if nothing else it was nice to know my reactions to the situation are common, normal even and I'm not a mum on the brink of losing... Well if I am I'm in good company anyway!!!

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 26/11/2008 20:22

I can empathise. ds is nearly 19 mo and though he is very cheerful it is taking forever to leave the house, get coat on etc etc. worse when we're I'm in a rush of course(ds obviously never in a rush unless it is to get his milk or snack out of my hand!)

ignoring (ie pretending to ignore because it is virtually impossible to actually ignore) is good. when we have to go somewhere, if it's possible to walk then we do - ds also fidgets in buggy so we set off with him walking and on reins if necessary and me pushing the buggy, then when he's had enough he can get in. exhausting them is a good strategy. I think from this age on they suddenly need much more attention, lots more getting down on the floor, lots more strategies from us to allow enough time, to give them another few minutes after we've said we'll go.

I've started giving ds "3" - ie say we're going, you have 3, then hold up 3 fingers, count down slowly 3 .. 2 ..1 - last finger is crooked at him and he thinks it's a game and comes running.

I give him as many tasks as possible - either finding his shoes etc if we're going out, or just things like a box full of bits and bobs - corks, big buttons etc and asking him to put them into another box. VERY helpful indeed, he thinks he's doing something really important! he helps with the washing, getting stuff out of the machine one item at a time, but that is genuinely helpful as I can then shake out and hang up or bung each thing in the dryer.

nappy changing also a horrendous battle, usually when dirty and he squirms and kicks, which I loathe because I do NOT want poo everywhere. new thing is to either ask him to find a toy that HE wants (no good if I choose it) to take to the changing mat, or if we're on the changing table I let him stand up and rootle through the baskets on the shelf above the table. means I get a full-on view of pooey bum but has made changing him so much easier as he's occupied and not trying to get away so it's worth it.

It is not easy but I reckon it's all about having to relax and try to do things at toddler speed - so perhaps don't bust a gut to get to a playgroup but meander in your own time down to the playground or park - then the dcs get to walk for as long as they want and they will be interested and occupied in whatever they are doing - but frustrated if they are harried and bundled away instead.

you can tell I am relaxed right now but then ds has been at nursery - try me again tomorrow when I've had him all day and perhaps I will be tearing my hair out too!

kylie88 · 26/11/2008 20:29

i have 2 children my eldest is 2and a half and my youngest is 15 months, i have to battle with her from the minute she gets up the naughty corner dont work and now my son is picking it all up what do i do?

ameliesmumvic · 26/11/2008 20:42

I sympathise completely - my 12 month old has been doing this for a few months now. The other day she stopped breathing in a fit of rage because I got her out of the bath. She went purple and I started to panic until she eventually started breathing again (and then she went floppy because I think she passed out!!). Its awful and so stressful. So glad to hear I'm not alone!!

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 26/11/2008 20:51

Thanks, some great tips here.

thisisthelast - he has never been a particularly easy child, and demanded a lot of attention as a baby, but the tantrums and stubborness has definitely got worse since he was about 13/14 months. At the same rate as my patience has been gradually wearing thinner and thinner... I hope it improves for you

wheelsonthebus - excellent ideas, thank you. I'll try the counting down thing, but suspect it'll all go fine till it comes to actually having to put his shoes/coat on! Not sure he'd fully understand it either. I can say 'get your shoes' 5 times before he does sometimes. I wonder if his understanding isn't that great?

Definitely agree with tiring them out, though I can't really walk with him properly, he only started walking at 15 months and has only just started to hold my hand - and then it's only until he sees something of interest then he'll be off.

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FeelingLucky · 26/11/2008 20:52

I think Wheelsonthebus is right, you just have to do everything toddler-speed. I have an 18 month old DD who used to tantrum a lot, until I realised she actually understood almost everything but just can't speak for herself.
So, when we go out, I tell her to get her shoes. If she ignores me, I put on my own shoes, and she'll rush to get hers. Same with coat. And, if she doesn't want to get in buggy, I let her walk and saying she'll have to go in buggy soon before whipping her into it once we reach main road.
Since my new tactics, she's only had one screaming fit in buggy.

oh, and the other thing is giving her a snack when I'm really desperate ie in supermarket

hth

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 26/11/2008 20:58

x-posted there.
ameliesmum, that sounds very scary! DS hasn't done this yet but sometimes yells so angrily and so vehemently he does go purple. Usually if he can't do a puzzle, or his food hasn't arrived quickly enough

He had a mini-tantrum at bedtime just because DP was putting him in his sleeping bag. DP just looked at me helplessly and said "oh what do you think is the matter". Welcome to my world!

Feelinglucky, maybe his understanding is better than I think? I'll try the shoe thing.

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ilovetochat · 26/11/2008 21:01

dd 16 months is the same, power struggle over everything at the moment. i also do the find your shoes and coat race to get her out, pull up nappies are easier at the moment and if we are going somewhere closish she walks instead of taking the buggy, it wears her out too.

2boys2 · 28/11/2008 19:41

nappy change time - put a sticker on his hand or on your nose - it may amuse him enough to lie still.

Chatkins · 28/11/2008 19:49

Sympathies to you all on this thread - I have an 18 mo ds, and dds aged 4 and 6, and they did not tantrum as early or as dramatically as he has done, and he started around 7 months ! I think he is more forward than they were though as he has them to watch and learn from !

I do find it goes through phases, and calms down once he has a few teeth more, or can say a few words more, I think these two things plus a strong-willed personality make this a particularly difficult age !

My ds has hated the buggy pretty much from brith, so I switched to a sling as I don't drive yet and he was making the school run a living screaming hell - he soon hated that too, and now loves nothing less than walking or being carried. He screamed all the way to school and back earlier today, despite me taking him out, and letting him walk a bit !

I make sure I have lots of books and snacks, and this can delay the tantrums. The buggy is the main thing he screams about - funnily enough he seems to enjoy having his nappy done, and is very good at sharing, as I cm aswell.

Just hold tight, it will pass !!!

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