4yo DS has uncontrollable tempers. At the end of my tether

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My 4yo DS has uncontrollable temper tantrums nearly every day, where he screams and shouts, hits, kicks, bites, throws his toys around. These can be set off by the tiniest transgression from the way he wants the world to be. I have been using the tack of telling him his behaviour is horrible and sending him to his room until he can calm down. Trying to calm him makes him worse. I think the causes are boredom and restlessness and jealousy of his little brother (16mo). Last night he woke up at 3am and because I didn't hear him he had a tantrum in the middle of the night, woke up everyone and completely trashed his bedroom. All because he wanted the light off (he had asked for it to be left on) and I didn't wake up the instant he needed me to jump out of bed and turn it off. 16mo DS was terrified by the commotion. I am at the point of going to HV or doctor for advice even though reluctant to involve them as they were useless when I had PND. Any practical suggestions on teaching a 4yo to control his temper very much appreciated.

Does he go to nursery yet?

He will be starting Rec next year and that will help him to calm down a bit but it sounds like you need some strategies to help him and yourself.

Distraction often works with my ds(4y)

About to kick off and 'ds - look at that bird in the garden - is it a penguin?' and he runs to look and tells me it is a pigeon!

Before he kicks off ie when he is playing and calm get down on his level and say to him that you are so happy he is playing nicely and that if he carries on he will get a sticker for a sticker chart you are going to make together.

Then make a sticker chart with him as he is about to kick off - bog standard one with Mon, Tues, etc across the top and 1,2, 3 down the side. When he gets a full sticker chart then he will get a special treat.

The trick is often to distract and praise before they kick off.

And dont forget that boys are like dogs and need walking 3 or 4 times per day!

he's already started at school doing mornings only but has to do wrap around 3 days a week when I'm working so he does get very tired. he is also not engaging that well with the academic side of school but does enjoy school generally enormously. He went to nursery before school so is used to long days but the level of personal responsibility is new to him. I understand the power of distraction but often I am totally blindsided by his rages as they emerge out of seemingly nowhere and he goes from sweet gorgeous boy to screaming red-faced monster in seconds.

My son is also 4 and also has terrible temper tantrums - as you say, over the smallest, most insignificant little things and you are just left standing there thinking WTF! You are really and truly not alone. People talk about the terrible 2s but my little boy was lovely when he was 2!

I actually saw my HV over him and they were great, gave me loads of tips, referred me to parenting classes... Makeika's advice is very good and she has basically outlined everything my HV said (Are you a HV Majeika???)

I tried the distraction technique the other day when we were walking home from nursery. DS1 about to kick off because he decided he didnt like walking. Normally, I would get into a discussion about this with him which would end in confrontation and raised voices, but instead, I just looked up and said oh doesn't that cloud look like a train(!!) and it all calmed down.

It doesnt help if you are otherwise tired/depressed. I used to consider myself to be a good mum but since DS2 was born, I'm not getting much sleep and overreact to everything. The HVs were really great in my area and I can't praise them enough so maybe you should try again and perhaps you'll get someone different to help you through.

Thank you tryharder - I have phoned HV this morning b4 seeing your message. I have spent most of the morning in tears as I just don't seem to be able to cope. I am tired. I am stressed over work as I work in the construction industry so worried about lay-offs. I just seem to be in a fug of tiredness and depression.

I am so glad I came across this thread - I am also at the end of my tether with my 4 year old DS. It just seems to be constant confrontation over the smallest things. This morning for example, he had a tantrum at the breakfast table because his older brother was reading the back of the cereal box that he wanted to read, and he ended up going to nursery with no breakfast. Mealtimes are particularly bad, but I also dread taking him out as he will just fly into a tantrum over the most trivial thing. I have tried the distraction tactics, but they haven't been very successful I have to say, and there is just no reasoning with him wahtsoever. What makes it harder is that he is absolute angel when his Dad is in the house, which is very frustrating for me. Also, my older son is the complete opposite - he has never behaved like this so I have never had to deal with it before. I am also worried that it is affecting my older son because it really upsets him when his brother is acting like this.

oh how i recognise this syndrome...
every single day when DD (now 7) was 4 began with a monumental tantrum at quarter to 7 when i poured her cornflakes into her bowl 'in the WRONG SHAPE'. and the day progressed (read: deteriorated) from there. christ knows how i lived through that year. tantrums were her middle name. for any reason and usually infinitessimally tiny triggers.i could hardly go out!! my much-more-mellow DS at 2 had hardly any - and when he did they just amused us bcs they were so sweet and tame in comparison to his big sister'!
i must say (i'm a gp myself) i'm not sure your doc is going to be that helpful. dunno about HVs as never went to mine either, think v variable depending on the person - yours might be brilliant (we can but hope!). i did go on a parenting course (we were in oz so it was pretty much de rigeur there whatever the type of kid you had!) which helped ... a bit. mostly just the passing of time helped i'm afraid!!! things got gradually better but not quickly, sad to say. starting school helped loads - structure and stimulation and all that. the parenting course taught me to put her straight in her room until she calmed down - every time, very consistently. she was unbelievably persistent though and it could take AGES, plus i wasn't entirely comfortable with this as so often you could see it was just really strong emotion (very frightening to her) bubbling over and there was nothing at all she could do about it. i didn't want to punish her for that. argh. it gets better i promise! we have had a couple of those middle of the night tantrums age 4 and 5 - just 2 or 3 - awful though. memorable. but not frequent.