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7 year old son with very low self-esteem/victim type personality - anyone else?

13 replies

Doodle2U · 26/11/2008 09:29

My DS is academically bright. That's his 'thing'!

His social skills are not very finely tuned and I've known this since before he started preschool. I've mentioned it and asked at every parent's evening and every time, his teachers have said "No, he's fine". Parent evening just gone and this time the teacher has picked up on it.

He is one of those children who's glass is always half empty. Ask him to rate his lunch time between 1 and 10 and he will always say 1 or 2.

He doesn't have a best friend - he just tries to muddle along with anyone who is around but he will never approach them. They have to ask him to play, otherwise, he plays by himself and chats to his imaginary friend. He only talks to imaginary friend at school because it "stops him being lonely"!

Yesterday, he misheard a maths question and shouted out the wrong answer. According to him, the WHOLE class laughed at him so he started to cry and ended up hiding in the toilets. The teacher had told him to go and wipe his tears but he stayed in there until eventually, the TA came to see where he'd got to.

He quite often says things which really turn other children off. The latest one, as an example, is he snarled "That's a stupid place to put my book when I'm not even sitting there!" to a little girl who was handing out the workbooks. Little girl ended up in tears apparently but my DS wasn't aware of how much his words had hurt her feelings. This is his biggest problem I suspect - he turns the other kids off because he tries to say clever things or the 'right' thing and it comes out all wrong for him.

He also has bright carrot orange hair and he wears glasses. Personally, I think he looks dead cute and you can tell already that he'll be a lovely looking adult but unfortunately, some of the other children have taken a few cheap shots at him because of his hair mostly.

His sister, meanwhile, is the happiest, chattiest, funniest and most popular girl you could imagine. She is 5. If it wasn't for her, I'd seriously wonder if our parenting had damaged our son but they've both been parented in much the same way. I just think it's something in my lad's genetic make-up and we have to help him.

I know what I have to do - build his self esteem with lots of positive praise (which we do already but I think we might need to step it up a bit) and then maybe do some role playing and discussing ways he could approach other children etc.

My thread is really asking - does anyone else have a child with a personality like mine? If so, do you want to try a week of positive parenting and esteem building with me, so maybe we could compare notes and come up with some good ideas to help?

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/11/2008 09:43

i think you have to explain to him that part of being a nice person is to accept that other people do silly things and not to mention it sometimes. ask if there is anyone he would like to be friends with and why he doesn't play with them, it might be that he things their games are silly. so it might just be an exercise in explaining that he might just have to not say anything.

i really thing encouragement from you to make friends is important, rather than a 'nevermind' kind of approach.

he will do things to please you.

onthewarpath · 26/11/2008 10:00

Doodle2U My DS is 7 1/2 and I do understand exacly what you are going through. Have you talked to his teacher about your concerns and asked how he is in school?
His he ennoyed at his sister's bubbly personalty? (DS is)

The thing with my DS is that according to his teacher he is very popular, is behaving well in school and is progressing fine with the curriculum but, as soon as he gets out of the school gate he gets teary, moody and very insecure. despite all my efforts, and being far too involved I can't seem to be able to find what the problem is. I would love to try the "self esteem week" with you but can honestly tell you I would not know where to start. Just like you I am praising him, giving him little responsabilities in the house to show him that he can do things and is not worthless (his words not mine)He also is convinced that "I don't love him" now where on earth he gets that from... (we are a very cuddly family and always show our affection to eachother).

Maybe they just have a more sombre personnality? I do not at this point want to think a 7YO could be depressed. ( in my case I 'd feel especially guilty giving that he "seems" ok in school. Therefore I might be the source of the insecurity.)

Sorry not being much help but would appreciate any suggestions that can boost his selfesteem.

Doodle2U · 26/11/2008 10:15

Ok Custy - I can start with the not mentioning silly things.

I do try to encourage him to make friends and we have success but then it kind of ebbs away. I got him to name a couple of kids in his class and what they like (Starwars/dslite etc) and then explained how he could start chatting about what they liked, to initiate contact. It doesn't seem to last but hey, I think it's a start?

You say he will do things to please me but I have wondered, just recently, if his 'poor me'/woe is me act is about gaining attention, not necessarily from DH & I but at school.?

Onthewarpath - yes - teacher herself raised concerns at Parent Evening (on Monday), so we had a really long talk about it all. She's decided that she'll do a playground walk-about for a couple of weeks, to see if she can identify what's happening. Feel a bit relieved because none of his other teachers have ever recognised there being a problem before.

As for not knowing where his ideas about you not loving him come from - who knows? That's what we're faced with too - the not knowing where he gets thinds negativity from? He went to Cub Camp with his Daddy on Saturday - he's still a Beaver but because Daddy was going, my DS was invited for the day. DH says he got stuck in and throughly enjoyed himself. Then when they were driving hime, DS says "I don't think some of those boys liked me!". DH couldn't fathom how on earth DS had drawn that conclusion. He'd seen the Cubs welcome and say Hi to DS and he'd seen him chatting all day??? What's he picking up on that we're not???

OP posts:
nellyup · 26/11/2008 10:17

Doodle I think your ds is very lucky to have a mum like you who is prepared to try and support him.

Both my DCs struggle a bit socially (both highly sensitive) and if you're into books I can recommend 'The Unwritten Rules of Friendships' (can't remember author). Its divided into chapters for different personality types and has lots of role play ideas - I've found it useful because it goves you specific tools and skills to pass onto them. General self-esteem building is great, and necessary, but I found I needed to be able to offer more concrete help on how to approach others and maintain a friendship.

Doodle2U · 26/11/2008 10:19

Thanks Nelly

I'm passing the library either later today or tomorrow, so I'll see if they have a copy. Come to think of it, I'm sure I've heard of that book before.

OP posts:
WotsThatSkippy · 26/11/2008 10:19

I think it's a really good sign that the teacher has picked up on this and is on board. Keep the momentum going with that - ask for a meeting to review her 'findings' in a few weeks and see if between you you can work out what's happening and come up with some strategies.

I don't have experience of this, but just wanted to say I sympathise (my son doesn't 'fit in', either, but for other reasons...).

Your little boy sounds totally yummy-licious, by the way!

magnolia74 · 26/11/2008 10:21

Have no costructive advice but wanted to say my 9yr old dd (one of twins) is exactly the same

Doodle2U · 26/11/2008 13:46

I think I will ask for a meeting Wots. Keep on top of it!

See, twins magnolia - so both getting pretty much the same parenting but sooooo different!

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
magnolia74 · 26/11/2008 16:01

Exactly, I have 5 kids and they are all pretty different. Have come to the conclusion that we need to have different parenting styles for each child but haven't quite figured out how yet

onthewarpath · 27/11/2008 16:24

It looks like it is going to be easier than we thought to implement the Self esteem week Dooodle2U

Again · 27/11/2008 16:39

I think that it's a good idea to do role play, maybe in a more informal way though, such as being a role model. Asking loads of questions and constantly praising behaviour can put a lot of pressure on kids. They might think that when we are not praising their behaviour that we don't love them.

mrsmaidamess · 27/11/2008 16:51

My ds is similar too. I started this thread (and got a deserved kick up the jacksie from some ) but I was very frustrated after a typically depressing swimming lesson.

here

DwayneDibbley · 27/11/2008 19:03

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