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[dawneg]

Hi - I am really upset and desperate for advice. I a baby in June and since she came along, my adorable, well behaved, gentle and loving 3 yr old has developed a nasty streak.

If she is told off, she lashes out, stomps around, is generally rude and cheeky. The worse thing is that she is now taking it out on my 5 month old. I obviously don't let it go too far becuase I am always there, but it's getting horrible.

I have just really shouted at my 3 yr old and sent her to her room, she was actually really nasty towards Baby but she's just storming around. I know that my anger probably perpetuates the situation and I can't keep saying "no, don't squeeze her head darling" in a soft voice - particularly as most of the time she does it on purpose.

It started off just as be over-zealous when cuddling the baby and us having to keep saying "not baby's head, leave her head alone, cuddle her body etc". Now it seems intentional.

I have tried distraction, saying it softly, saying it sternly, shouting, taking the baby away from the situation and everything in between. My 3 yr old is very bright emotionally and more than understands. She also started preschool in April, so that I think has influenced her behaviour.

We've have really tried to include her in everything since the Baby's birth and actually still give the 3 yr old more attention than the Baby gets. I know it's all linked to jealousy, and I can appreciate the way she feels. She was top dog for 3 years and now has to share, but thank goodness, the Baby is incredibly easy so doesn't demand me too much anyway (poor thing).

What I want to know is, does anybody have a strategy that I can stick to and it works? This seems to be a behaviour that comes from within, ie is now just part of her personality, but can it really take 3yrs to surface? She has never shown one iota of nastiness, anger or agression before now.

Any advice would be much appreciated, I am really upset about this.

Thanks

dawneg my dd1 was 3.7 when dd2 came along but we haven't had many difficulties with jealousy etc. However some of my friends have experience it - it is very common afaik.

Some of it may not be linked to the baby specifically, ime some 3 year olds are cheeky little madams anyway, I found the age of 2 a breeze compared with 3.

Can you take her out (either you or your dp) for individual one to one time - we used to take dd1 out, anywhere is fine, the priority is that it is just her with one adult. (we used to go to cheap cafe for a drink, walk to see local horses etc)

Star chart? (sorry if you don't like star charts) A star for each part of the day, morning, afternoon and teatime for example if she is kind to her sister?

Poor you However, this is totally NORMAL behaviour and believe me some of my friends have had a LOT worse- toddler dragging baby off bouncer and across the floor by the head, toddler throwing kitchen implements into the playpen where baby is...

It may not be ALL sibling rivalry though. My eldest turned 3 this year and boy did his behaviour change for the worse! His energy levels increased ten fold and he just became really difficult/stroppy/aggressive etc. He is now 3.7 and is really improving, he has always been bright, communicative and mature but I have seen another big leap forward recently. So don't despair, it will settle down.

All you can do is make sure you spend time with her, let her do all you can to 'help' (my ds loves to empty the dishwasher etc) and feel included and make sure you set firm boundaries for her behaviour- it is a confusing time for her as everything has changed but if you can make things as defined as possible for her it will help her cope- you are still her mummy, you still love her and you are still in charge!