What advice would you give your dd, to help them fit in better with other girls?

[barbiehouse]

My dd goes to small school, has poor, but improving speech, and seems desperate to fit in with the other girls in her class.

She has played a lot more with the boys, who seem fond of her, but now want to hang out with the other boys.

She told me last night that the other girls wouldn't let her play with them, and so she has noone to play with for a lot of the time.

Could you ask your dd if she would like to invite another child home to play? Or maybe take her and another child to a soft play area after school or on Saturdays. Perhaps on a one to one basis she would find it easier, and hopefully the other child would begin to ask her to play with the group. I think also you could speak to her teacher, to keep an eye on it, she could encourage the others to include your dd. I hope she finds some more playmates, I am sure she will, it sometimes takes a while to find them.

Poor DD. It's heartbreaking when our children feel like this. Have you had a chat with the teacher? and how old is your DD?

schools often have some kind of a 'buddy' system or a special place to go at playtime if you want someone to play with.

have you considered inviting a girl from her class over for a playdate? often children seem to get on better individually, away from the crowd.

I have invited several over on a one-on-one basis.
There's only 6 girls in her year though, so she has limited choice.
I had one over yesterday, who we have seen a lot of outside school, and they played ok, but the other girl seemed a lot more mature, and seemed to find my dd silly, whereas my dd was trying to be funny.
I've got one of the 'gangleaders' coming over next week, and i'm desperately trying to coach her into being more girly. - She's not really a tomboy, just finds boys easier to get along with, and less patronising.
She has got a 'buddy', and i have told her to ask to play with her buddy if she's by herself.

Sorry to be unhelpful but why do you want to change your daughter to fit in with other children? Why should she be more "girly" - if boys are easier to get along with and less patronising no wonder she prefers playing with them.

How about showing her that it's OK to be yourself and as long as you are kind to others you will be respected for it?

(dons hard hat)

You need something the other girls will like or admire - a pretty sparkly nail polish a musical skipping rope,this weeks barbie mag etc etc.....i know its all well and good playing with the boys but it would be nice if she could forge a friendshop with the girls too I wonder if the teacher could help ??

You need something the other girls will like or admire - a pretty sparkly nail polish a musical skipping rope,this weeks barbie mag etc etc.....i know its all well and good playing with the boys but it would be nice if she could forge a friendshop with the girls too I wonder if the teacher could help ??

i have no problems with her how she is, but the boys are sometimes rejecting her at school, just because she is not a boy. She herself really wants to be part of the girl gang, and hangs around at the periphery, but apparently has been told by them that she can't play with them.

(no hard hat needed)

How old are they?

See, this is why I really don't like little girls very much (not your DD, "the girl gang" the very thought of them giggling and isolating your DD because they can, just for fun, makes my teeth itch). on behalf of your DD.

There must be at least one other little girl the "girl gang" has excluded, one victim is never enough. Bet there are two or three ringleaders and the rest are just desperately trying to keep in with them, try and identify them (non ringleaders) and invite them round to watch High School Musical or something.

thanks sparkle - I'll check what they're allowed to take.
I think i will speak to the teacher as well.

barbiehouse - sounds like you have my dd! During teh summer school holidays she was in tears quite often as she said she had no friends. At school she plays with boys mostly as I think she can be quite boisterous and will try too hard - boys just accept her for what she is but I think she is a bit much for some girls!
However - on a 1-1 with girls she gets on fine. She has been invited on more play dates recently so I think things are improving. My dd goes to a very small school too - 5 girls in her year group and 3 boys. I did mention to the school how she seemed to find it difficult to play with girls and think they have helped a bit by organising playground games.
I don't think either that dd is any less girly than other girls - she just hasn't developed the social skills to get along with them. Looking back, I think I was much the same - tended to play with boys rather than girls.

Agree about taking in a "girly" toy if that is allowed. dd took in one of her Fur Real animals and that seemed to promote instant friendship!

Just wondering what age she is too.

I'd say something to the teacher , make sure they're not excluding her as that'sa type of bullying.
I have 3 dd ages 5,10 and 12, so have seen a bit of this too.
Eldest dd is v. bolshy and popular so never had to really worry about her but my 10 yo has had a bit of this.
It really pisses me off.
She has found her own little group of friends , think they are a little bit 'nerdier' than the big gang in her class but they stick together.

How many are in the class?

My dd gets on far better with boys than the girls - I think she just thinks they are more fun. She is very girly but also likes the more imaginative active games that she plays with her "boy" friends.
I would encourage her to be herself and try and find friends that enjoy the same things that she does. Boost her confidence so that she doesnt feel the need to join in with others who for some reason dont want her there.
Your dd sounds lovely and when she gains confidence people will see her for the interesting individual she obviously is and want to play with her.

I am sorry if this is not much practical use but having gone to a girls school I hate the need for girls to conform to percieved norms in order to fit in and be part of the gang.

I'm with lavender on this, particularly the "perceived norms" bit - just when you think you have cracked what the cool girls think, they change their minds, so you are uncool again. They remain cool, since they define cool, and cannot be uncool.

Very dispiriting to a young child. Much better to find some nice nerds, who will encourage her to do her homework.

Take it with a pinch of salt though - every child comes home at some point and says no one will play with them. It doesn't mean it happens all the time (or that it lasted longer than 10 mins, IMO)

What grammaticus says is true.I'd keep on inviting friends over after school, she'll find her own little pals soon enough.
If it became an ongoing complaint from her then I would worry.

My dd also plays with the boys more - her best friend is a boy. She was upset last term when he said she was a girl and couldn't play football. Talk to his mum about it and she had a quiet word and not had any problems this term.

My dd just isn't girly in a screachy running away from the boys sort of way (she's 5) but she has recently started going to rainbows and is now friends with a few of the older girls she talks to there. She also is at a small village school and so all years play together.

And if anyone has got the magic answer I could sometimes do with it for myself!

haggis' dd does sound similar! she likes playing rough, but hasn't learnt when enough is enough, and is so much more relaxed, and fun around the boys. i think i also hang around more when she has girls over, so that i ca check they're getting on ok.

unfortunately there are only 9 children in her year - the 2 girls who are more on the outside, have both been round and got on ok, but don't really seem to gel.

i have seen some of the other girls exclude my dd from there games, so i knowm it does definitely go on

Meant to add I asked who she played with at parents evening and the TA and teacher both said individually that she was one of the people in the class that everyone always wanted to play with - I think her 'no-one will play with me moment' could have been more in her head than in reality.

I'm sure it does. I think it happens to a lot of kids. It certainly happens to my DS2. But it probably doesn't happen all the time, and he and she both need to be helped to find their own way in the playground and in the world.

(Don't mean to be unsympathetic, it is hard as a parent. But I think it is important that we keep an issue to the proportions that it has to the child, and not put our own concerns onto it. I once asked DS2 if he liked to play on his own and he said "Sometimes I do, sometimes I like company")

she's 5 btw. have also started her playing football, but she's the only one from her school that goes. still, doesn't seem bothered being an outsider there, so we'll see how she gets on there.

i think your last comment is v true grammaticus - not sure if its her (tempoary) upset which is bothering me, or my mind imagining another 7 years of playing on her own looking on wistfully...

My dd went to an all girls football coaching day - she seemed to enjoy that. Maybe because none were girly girls.

You sound like a nicer mum than me as I can never be bothered to have anyone around after school. I just want to get them to bed!

barbiehouse just read teh opening statement my dd is in exactly the same situation. She is happy running around or playing on the bikes but struggles to understand or ask to join into a set game.
I had the same problem with asking to join in with a game already started. DD is 1 to 1 1/2 years behind in her speech and social development, so she plays better with 3/4 year olds - nto much help now she's at school.

Same here barbie. I've been helping out the school this morning and, as I left, I made the mistake of looking in at the children having lunch and, sure enough, there was DD2 (5) sitting on her own and a gaggle of girls from her class sitting on the next table. .

Wish I hadn't looked now!

It seems to be a common thing at this age though - hopefully they will come out of their shell in time and make proper friendships.