Pushed around by child with mild disability

[Again]

I have a 17 month old. We go to quite a few toddler groups and I'm particularly interested in one of these, which is going to be happening 3 days a week and then moving into becoming a kindergarten. I think that it might be a nice way into kindergarten. Anyway there is a 3 year old there. The first time she pinched his face and left a mark. Then she pushed him over. Today she hit him with her sweater. The zipper left a little cut on his hand. He doesn't normal get upset by falling over etc, but this behaviour really upsets him. He looks at her and cries his little heart out and then stays close to me.

I found out that she has a condition where she suffers from something to do with under stimulation. I don't know what it's called, but seemingly she needs experiences to be heightened before she can 'feel' them, so to speak. As part of this she doesn't speak and she also doesn't like people to invade her space, although she is very affectionate on her own terms. Today was the first time that her mum was at this group, otherwise she comes with the person who runs it. They try to deal with it by explaining to her that my ds is very upset, but she just doesn't seem affected. Neither of them have discussed it further with me though. Her mum today said 'at least it wasn't a wooden toy!'. As far as I can see it's only my ds that she does it to.

There is another toddler group that she goes to, but there are loads of people there and my ds and she do not really mix at that one.

I really like the other group, but I think that I need to leave it. He's so young that I'm worried it will affect his identity. He doesn't understand why it's happening and maybe he will start to see it as something to do with him? Recently he is nervous around other young kids (he's ok with older ones). I don't know if this is a developmental thing or something else. Obviously it could also be attributed to other things going on in his life, but I don't like this being one of his first experiences with other kids.

Am I being over protective? I feel for the other mum as she's lovely and I think she was embarrassed today and that's why she may the comment about it not being a wooden toy

Oh dear its a tricky one.I have a dd with sn whose behaviour is not "Usual" however if she hit out at others I will be quite firm and sign "No" and remove her from situation,as she DOES have to learn that some behaviour is inappropriate even though she has limited understanding.I "Tell her off"(Firm signing,removal from situation) if she lashes out at her brother/other children.I wouldnt give up the group that would be counter productive.Do you know thge mum well?Maybe if you approached it and said "It upsets ds a bit when he gets hit" but also see if you can get her to talk a bit about her dd condition?mAYBE SHE IS STILL IN A BIT OF DENIAL ABOUT HER DD CONDITION.tHIS DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT BUT SOMETIMES IT CAN BE A LONELY PLACE WHEN YOU HAVE A SN CHILD AND YOU GO TO PLAYGROUP AND ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE NORMAL.sorry for caPITALS!

Difficult in every way. I don't think it will do your ds any harm though, it's a a series of hard lessons he's learning, but they all learn them sooner or later, and they all survive. DD2 had a much higher pain threshold than dd1, and was regularly poked, pinched and pushed from an early age, and I really don't think it's done her any harm. These things will help him find the tactics to deal with things himself.
I would suggest that you just police him very carefully, and if you see her nearby, then try to make sure she can't get to your ds. Don't think there's much else you can do. Her mother should be doing this, but like op said, it must be tiring anld lonely having a sn child, so not surprising she lets things slip a little.

the bog standard professional advice for these sort of language/behaviour problems tends to be to take your kid to as many toddler groups as possible (presumably on the assumption that "normal" behaviour will rub off on them)

On the one hand - if this child is prone to hitting etc then she needs close supervision and very very simple explanations if her understanding of language is behind. On the other hand - many 2-3 year olds without speech or developmental issues go through a phase of biting so it's something you were likely to come across sooner or later. My DS (severe language delay) used to get hit and scratched by his friend of the same age (with excellent language skills!)

As long as you are there to comfort him if there are incidents, I really wouldn't overthink it's affect on his identity. If you do continue at this group, then if the child's carer isn't supervising, then you will need to supervise your child very closely, however unfair it may feel.

Sorry to sound stupid, but what is sn?

I do feel badly for the mum. Part of the reason that her daughter started coming to the group was to give her a break. She didn't tell me of the condition herself. It was her friend, so I don't know think I could approach her to discuss it.

Sorry,Special needs

It might be a refreshing change for her if someone asks her outrightI would much rather someone ask me what dds problems are than "gLOSS OVER" them.A lot of groups I go to no one talks to me.Sometimes I wish they would

The child needs more supervision. If she isn't being properly supervised the you can supervise your child until he's a bit bigger. Just pick him up or sit him on your lap when she approaches and show her how to be gentle. That's what I always did with ds2 and ds3 when they were around older children with learning difficulties (which they were a lot-every day in fact!).

It won't affect a 17 month old's identity.

Thanks guys. There have been a couple more incidents, but I had a good chat with the mum yesterday who said she has left one p and t group already because it's so stressful for her. I'm going to try to work through it and try to be more focused myself.

Hi there. SN = special needs

My boy also has special needs, and I have this problem. I go to playgroups because I think he really needs to mix with other children, it is very stressful but there is no other way really. Otherwise I might as well lock him at home with me.

I always watch him like a hawk, as soon as I see that he is about to do something I act on it. This little girl should not be left unsupervised.

Wanted to add that my DS is much much better than what he was a year ago, and I really appreciate all those lovely mums that didn't alienate DS and kept us as friends. Playgroup can be very lonely for the mum of the only child that doesn't know how to play.