Super clingy 13 month old

[HensMum]

DS has had seperation anxiety since about 8 months old. He'd cry when I left the room, didn't want to be left alone etc.
However, it's gradually got worse and worse. I started back at work about a month ago and he's been in nursery for 3 weeks. He cries when I leave him there but they say he soon settles down and enjoys himself.

At home though, he's worse than ever. He won't play by himself at all. I used to be able to set him up with something, then potter about tidying up (or Mumsnetting on the computer in the corner) but now I have to sit with him or he cries. If I leave the room - even to the kitchen, which can be seen from the living room - he'll cry until I come back.

It's starting to drive me a little bit mad! I can't get anything done at all. My new strategy is trying not make a big deal out of leaving him, telling him where I'm going, then coming back, ignoring the crying and distracting him with a toy or something.

Anything else I can try? Will he grow out of it? Soon?!

He just needs a bit extra mum to make up for the new nursery routine. It's an encouraging sign that he settles into nursery. Just give in to it for a few weeks, wholeheartedly, and he'll settle when he is reassured that mum still wants to look after him and is fully there for him when she's around. The longer he doesn't get the extra reassurance from you he needs right now, the longer I think it will take for him to change this pattern. Then it might become habit.

How can I give extra reassurance? He has my full attention at all times that I'm with him - I even take him into the bathroom with me when I need to wee! And I've been doing it for months - I'm more worried that by "giving in" to him and not leaving him alone that's going to become habit. I'm happy to do it for a few weeks but it's been going on for months, since before nursery although that has made it worse, and I just don't want to encourage it - hence my trying to make leaving him no big deal. And by "leaving him" I mean running upstairs to grab a load of washing while he plays downstairs.

Just read that back and it sounds snarky but I honestly don't mean it to be. I really appreciate your advice! My question about how to give extra reassurance is genuine - really, how do I do that?

Hi hensmum,

I have a clingy one too. She is now 14 months old and has been clingy since 9 months old. The difference is that I haven't had to leave her in nursery yet. Has it got worse since you left him in nursery or was it already deteriorating before that.

I find my dd is very clingy at home ie if I leave the room she will scream...even if I go the kitchen which is in full view of living room. However if I take her to playgroup/music class then she is very independant and doesn't seem to need me at all.

In the last 3/4 weeks I have been trying an alternative strategy with the leaving the room thing. I tell dd that I am going into the kitchen and the reason why and then I say to her do you want to come with me and then offer her my hand to hold. Sometimes she will trot along with me into the kitchen and sometimes she will decide to stay in the lounge...it seems to be working as the other day I told her I was going upstairs and did she want to come with me and she just said no (the only reliable word we can get out of her at the moment) and sat down and played whilst I was able to go to the toilet by myself This is a major breakthrough as I always take her in with me to shower/toilet...she even has special bathroom toys to keep her occupied

Perhaps you could try something similar. You have a harder time as you ds is still having to adjust to being left at nursery so it will take time but he will be ok eventually and I'm sure at some point you will wish he was a bit clingier when he is ignoring you at the school gate

God I've got one of those too, I feel your pain!

I was told by a hv that you should just 'go with' the clingy phases which is what I try to do in theory. It doesn't help that my ds2 weighs a ton. I have noticed that he is worse when a tooth comes or he's a bit poorly. Although it feels like all the time, could it be a tooth thing?

I don't think you can give extra reassurance, I think you love him enough - you are his mummy. IMO a clinger will be like this whatever you do. Keep being loving, try to do everything gently (if only to keep yourself calm) and one day, when you least expect it, he'll give you a break.

BTW he's gorgeous!

Biskybat, it was getting a bit worse before nursery I think. Doesn't help that he's been ill pretty much since he started - chicken pox, then coughs and colds ever since. He is definitely worse when he's ill.
I like your strategy. Not sure it would work with us as he's not quite walking so I have to carry him everywhere, but I'll start asking him the question at least.

Jellyrolly, thanks! I think he's gorgeous too! That's a really old photo on my profile, must get some new ones up but he's not been very photogenic recently with the spots and snotty nose!

He will get better eventually( you may find that walking does the trick) its just a bit restricting when you want to get things done isn't it

It sounds like he's had a rotten time recently being sick so much. I always need more hugs when I feel ill, so can't blame the babes for feeling more insecure when they're under the weather.

At least we know they love us