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help with 4yr old who hits...

3 replies

cass66 · 17/11/2008 13:53

Hi. I am despairing about my 4yr old daughter (H). her behaviour is AWFUL. I know it's due to our new 4month old baby and starting school, but she is just horrible. rude and beligerent to me, refusing to go to the naughty step etc. laughing when I say 'do this or no cbeebies' etc, she just says 'I don't like cbeebies anyway' etc. calls me names, which I had been ignoring as one of those things, but I'm not sure that's the best thing to do now. she acts as if she's invincible. she's always been independant, but this is a step too far.

the worst is she has started hitting at school. and she did it once at a local soft play area a few weeks ago. I came down hard on her that time (took her straight home, no TV no sweets, no friends back for tea), and thought that was it, but I heard today that she hit a girl in her class because this girl said H's drawing was a scribble. I'll have a word at school, mostly because I wasn't told about this episode, I heard it 3rd hand.

It makes me feel so sad, angry, and responsible. As if it's my fault, that I've brought her up to think that you can hit someone if you don't like what they say/do. which isn't true, but that's what people will think. She'll also lose her friends if she continues to be unpleasant to them.

My husband just says its normal and a phase. I guess he's right but I still feel responsible. My older daughter never did this. And I'm not sure what to do next. Thanks, Cass.

OP posts:
pinkspook · 17/11/2008 14:39

Not got any advice other than what you are already doing (taking away priviledges, following through on threats to remove stuff etc) but didnt want you to go unanswered as I know its really upsetting and stressful when they are going through a phase like this (and it is a phase|) just keep on being consistent and praise when you can there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise!

Hopefully someone with more advice will come along soon

Notreallycutoutforthis · 17/11/2008 14:40

How about a reverse star chart? We're trying this on 4yo DS for peristent bad stuff, because we didn't want to 'reward' the basics of good behaviour with a star (going to bed properly, not taking 20 mins to get dressed etc). Started it last week and it seems to be working - he started off with 15 and every time he loses one the reason's written over the top - 'needing to be told 3 times' etc. He also wins extra stars for exceedingly good stuff - 'being diplomatic about Aunt's singing' was yesterday and that's a whole other story . Having 11 stars left by last Friday, he got to pick a treat from the sweetshop after school (something all his friends have been doing), and having 10 by the end of the day he got an extra treat from DH on Sat. He now has to still have 5 to qualify for Friday's treat. We haven't decided yet whether we'll add any random extras - hoping he'll earn more on his own - but am liking the implication that good behaviour is the norm that I'm hoping he's picking up from this. Worth a try for you?

ponto · 17/11/2008 14:43

Cass, it's not your fault that she is hitting, it's not as though you are saying to her 'If you don't like what someone says/does it's ok to hit them.' In fact I'm sure your saying the very opposite of that, and I presume you're not smacking her. She is probably hitting out of frustration because she can't think of how to talk her way out of the situation. I would say it's entirely normal at that age and it is a phase she will grow out of.

When starting school, children come across others who may not necessarily be nice to them, which can be quite a shock if they've always lived in an environment where everyone is nice to them, so they're not sure how to respond. Also, not all her new friends will be so well-mannered as her, so she may be trying out some of the things she has heard them say. My dd1 who is 5 was like this when she started school, and still is occasionally.

Have you talked to her about other ways of dealing with someone who is being nasty to her (e.g. saying that she doesn't think it was a kind thing to say/do, going to tell a teacher/parent if it is something serious, going to play with someone else if one child is being mean)? It may be worth practising what she should do in a particular situation.

Please don't blame yourself and feel guilty, you are a good mum and you have a lot to cope with at the moment.

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