My 2.9yr old ds has turned into a monster and I feel like a rubbish mum.

[Dragonfly74]

My gorgeous, loving 2.9 yr old ds has turned into a defiant stroppy naughty boy and I really don't know how to cope.

I know that its a phase and he will grow out of it, but I just don't want t spend my days having to shout at him because he doesn't listen when you ask him nicely.

Everything seems like a battle,
I ask him what he wants for breakfast, He tells me what he wants so I get it and then he doesn't want it. (Its pretty much the same every meal time). Even when he's got what he wants he wants me to spoon feed him like a baby which I can't do as I've also got an 8 mth old dd.

He's got a habit of throwing things which me and dh have repeatedly told him not to do because he's either going to break something or hurt someone. When we tell him off he screams and hits himself in the head.

To cut a long story short, if he doesn't want to do something he screams and shouts. We've tried the naughty spot and he screams till he almost makes himself sick, We've taken toys away if he's thrown them.

Dh works really long hours and if I have to tell ds off when dh is at work he cries and says he wants daddy. I feel rubbish and weak because I feel that I should be able to cope but I don't know how to deal with him.

I love him so much and when he's in bed at night I just look at him and feel so guilty because his day has been as awful as mine. I know other people must have gone through this, how did you cope? I feel I want my little boy back.

Can't help but bumping for you.

Regarding the food, I would ask him what he wants, get it and then enter into no further discussion. If he doesn't want to eat it that is his decision....if you let him have the power of fetching extra meals and spoon feeding him then he will carry on as he is. If he goes a bit hungry for a few meals he will start to get the idea for himself (not suggesting you starve him into submission but I hope you see what I mean).

What would happen if you completely ignored his bad behaviour for a couple of days? For instance when he throws things let him get on with it or silently take away the things he is throwing and give him something else to do? It is so easy to get into a negative cycle of telling off and everyone feeling miserable. I don't do it often but sometimes I just ignore all the bad behaviour we get from DS and it really takes the wind out of his sails and he stops bothering most of the time. He is 2.3 though so I appreciate it may be different.

It must be hard for you with your DH away from home so much.

I should say first of all that as my eldest is 19months I have no experience of this stage, but in reading about what to expect in the toddler years, I've heard that too many choices/a free choice can be really hard for a toddler. Its easier for them if you say 'weetabix or cornflakes?' or 'red spoon or blue spoon' rather than giving them an open choice and making them feel they can have anything they want (when in reality they can't).
Sorry that's only a tiny part of what you're asking about, ignore it if it sounds like rubbish!

i know exactly how you feel. my dd is 2.8yr and she is doing xactly the same. i feel like every meal time is a complete battle trying to get her to eat each mouth full and when i ask her to do something i either get no or she tries to cover my mouth. if i put her on the naughty step she screams and hits herself and if its extreme she sometimes wets herself (she has been potty trained for 3 months). The biggest shock is just the change in her so quickly. I also have a 4 month old and a husband who works 7am-11pm 6 days a week. The only thing that seems to be working is relly praising her good behaviour sometimes with a treat if she is good all day. also i make her dinner and tell her thats all she is getting and then leave her to it. after a couple of nights she has started feeding herself and also i have to try and ignore some of the bad behaviour. not all of it just the little minor things that i can see is attention seeking. It is so hard though and some days i cant wait for to go to bed which is horrible!!

Thanks carrieon no it doesn't sound like rubbish I will give anything a try.

TheProvincialLady Over the last couple of days i've been doing what you suggested with the food, ie not making other meals and then its his decision whether he eats what he's given or not. He's been leaving his meals and then asking for a biscuit about half an hour later, I don't give him one but then the whole screaming tantrum scenario starts again.

I start with good intentions and ignore the screaming for as long as possible but its so difficult, I feel like i'm going to explode sometimes especially when his tantrums seem to coincide with dd's afternoon nap so he always ends up waking her up

ang22 I'm glad i'm not alone in praying for bedtime to come round.

Boys get a testosterone burst at around 3. I've heard it called 'threenager'. Not much advice I'm afraid, but they do grow out of it (DS1 has)

definatly not alone. My dd also has a habit of waking my ds up which then results in both of them in tears! Definatly agree with carrieon i think too much choice can make it worse so i just give her what i have decided to make and thats it. also sometimes i get her to help me make her dinner and then i make a big deal out of her eating what she cooked herself and how clever she is. it has worked a couple of times. Is his meal times worse if he is tired?

Dragon that sounds really hard but I am sure that after a few days he will get the idea. Just being consistent is the key. Do you remind him that we only eat at mealtimes and that there will be nothing else if he doens't eat the meal he asks for? We had a similarish thing with DS leaving meals and expecting to make up for it with snacks and I would say it took at least a week or ten days. We also do what ang22 suggests with the cooking together - DS loves weighing things and if nothing else it keeps him happy while I get on with making dinner!

ang22 Its funny you should mention tiredness. Until recently ds always had an afternoon nap he doesn't have them anymore(his choice not mine). When I can see he's tired i'll ask him if he wants a sleep and he says no. Maybe this is whats making his behaviour worse.

thats exactly the same as my dd. she used to sleep two hours at lunch and now nothing and if i ask her she says no! we do quiet time when my dd has his lunchtime nap i get her to sit on sofa with a blanket and put on a dvd sometimes she will be good and sit there sometimes not but its worth a try. also i now find it easier to give her a larger proper lunch when she tends to eat better and then we do what i call "picnic dinner" with lots of little bits she can pick at with her fingers.dinner is where i have the most problems as she is so tired. at least i then know she has had at least one proper meal. if i am having a particularly bad day then i sometimes just go for a drive so she can just have a quick ten min sleep in the car and that does work.

Dragonfly - agree with all good advice you've been given here. One other thing - when I've had a particularly horrible day with my DS and it feels like I've spent the whole time with him saying 'stop doing that' I will then sneak into his room when he's asleep and whisper 'you're a fantastic person and very much loved'. I don't know whether it goes in but I always feel better for it

ooooh, i would be taking a harder line with him, for example, not asking what he wants for breakfast but making him whatever is convenient for you and then he eats it or not... if not, well, that's his choice. by pandering, your giving him far too much control.

if he kicks off after being presented with his breakfast, i would remain calm and neutral, stating firmly that this is his breakfast and is he doesn't want it, he will have to wait until lunch/snacktime for more food.

maybe a couple of chances and then withdraw food and distract if he moves tantrum up a notch (as will probably happen if hes used to being in control). best not to give too much attention to the tantrum and don't enter into discussion. 'mummy is now going to tidy, do you want to help me?' or something might suffice to distract...if not, let him get on with it until he's bored of no reaction... when he eats it, heap praise upon him.

BE CONSISTENT and get partner/other cares on board with exactly the same rules.

for hitting, we don't give a second warning- it is dealt with then and there (taking child away to quiet room for 3 mins) and then a brief understandable explanation of why you've taken this action and apology/cuddle. if this is done EVERY TIME, you will see results.

the screaming until being sick is scary but you have to dig deep and focus on taking back control and appearing to be calm (you might feel sick inside but act cool and calm) and consistent- you're doing him a favour as he will feel more secure in the long run.