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Behaviour/development

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Toddler behaviour!

14 replies

fifitot · 14/11/2008 09:04

Aaaaaagh! My 2.5 year old is driving us nuts! Biting, throwing, spitting and totally having a tantrum if we refuse her anything. I know she is boundary testing but lately the uncooperative behaviour is constant. I used to use 'time out' after 2 warnings but tbh she just laughs at me now as we have had to use it so often the effectiveness of it has worn off.

Am at a loss now. The bad behaviour is one thing but the constant 'no!' is also hard. Any advice?

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RubySlippers · 14/11/2008 09:05

over praise the good and ignore the bad

distraction

easier said than done - DS is 2.5 and is fairly stroppy at times

rewards do seem to work - IE if you do this, x will happen

and yes, it feels like i say no a lot but i think it is all fairly usual

fifitot · 14/11/2008 12:07

Thanks for reply. I think ignoring will be the best thing but so difficult when you are trying to get out of the house!

Will keep going with it.

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fifitot · 15/11/2008 20:59

What do you do when they have full blown tantrum in public? Today, had a great time at the snow dome thing but because we had to come she really kicked off - literally, biting me and hitting her dad. At home she would have gone straight into time out for 2 minutes but can't do that outside and also can't ignore her as have to get out of the building! I was at a loss.

What do others do?

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LoveGigi · 16/11/2008 21:41

Hi, my DD is 2.4 and is currently putting the "terrible" into the "twos"!! Everytime I think, this is what people mean by the terrible twos, it gets a whole load worse!!! I'm now starting to doubt all my skills as a parent. So you asked what I do in public if it all goes wrong.....last night we were out for an early dinner at Wagamamas with the inlaws. DD wanted to get on the floor and wander around, this has disaster written all over it with staff running around with trays of hot food, so I told my DD that she couldn't go down. Did hell break lose or what?? Back arching followed by walloping me over the head (she has never hit me before) screaming, flipping all over the place!!! Awful!! I picked her up and took her outside, screams continued, then she threw up 5 times because she was so upset. Post vomit she was a delight!!! Well for a while anyway, enough to eat at break neck speed and get the hell home!!! In Sainsburys the other day DD didn't want the normal trolley with normal seat, she wanted the pink reclining baby seat, weight restriction 9kg!!! I had to say another no, same reaction as above, I tried distracting her with the flower display, which worked for a moment, then a magazine, then just continued to talk random rubbish in an enthusiactic tone of voice. We coped until we had to get back in the car, she didn't want the car seat just that damn pink seat!!! Argh, she got soooooo upset all over again. It really is all so exhausting and it doesn't help when FIL is making comments about how you shouldn't give choices, just tell them how it is!!! Easier said that done. Ususally DD will co-operate better when given two choices!! And when she is told to do something, the response is always a big fat "no"!!! I know this is just a phase and will pass and I think it helps knowing others are experiencing the same thing too!

fifitot · 18/11/2008 14:18

LoveGigi - thanks, I had to smile though, It's just their irrational nature that is funny.

Anyway I am now going to try ignoring as time out is still failing. She is really hitting at the moment and think she does it cos she likes the drama of time out - despite my efforts to keep it calm.

It pains me to do this though as I struggle to ignore hitting and biting but have now run out of ideas!!!!

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bigspender30 · 19/11/2008 13:30

hi fifitot and Lovegigi
Nice to see you are in the same boat as me. We are having roughly one absolutely crazy tantrum a day with DS who is 2.5
I think its frustration as his speech is slow. Makes me feel exhausted but I am hoping its just a phase. I am just ignoring it now including in public.

shitehawk · 19/11/2008 13:41

It's not so much about ignoring the hitting or biting, as not rewarding her for such behaviour. So if she hits or bites another child, ignore her but make a huge, huge fuss of the other child. If she bits you, say "No" in your sternest voice, then walk away from her - preferably into another room where she can't see you. Two minutes is enough.

If she tantrums, walk away from her and leave her to get on with it on her own. Once she's stopped, go back to her. If she starts again, walk away again. When the tantrum stops and she's behaving normally again, give her a big hug.

If you're out then the same rule applies - turn your face away from her, make a fuss of the other child. If she hurls herself onto the floor in the supermarket, walk a little way away - somewhere where you can still see her, but she is aware that you have gone. Don't make eye contact with her. And ignore all the tutting old biddies who are bound to roll their eyes and make comments.

WRT behaviour when you're out somewhere like the Snow Dome give her one warning - stop that or we will have to leave. And if she carries on then leave. Carry her out if need be - don't speak to her, don't look at her, just remove her from wherever you are. You can ignore her whilst you're out though; just turning your face away from her and making a big fuss of whoever she's hurt (even if it is your dh!).

You're right about wanting the drama of it all; she likes attention - any kind at all, even negative - and she has found the perfect way to gain your attention. Which is why ignoring/turning your face away/walking away can work for some children.

fifitot · 19/11/2008 15:46

Thanks! It's bloody hard work this parenting business isn't it!

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finnbea · 20/11/2008 16:43

Does anyone have any ideas on this one?
My son is 2.5 years and has been pushing and hitting smaller children for what feels like eternity! Its actually been around 6 months but nothing seems to stop him from doing it. It makes my life hell as whenever we go to a soft play centre I have got other mothers shouting at me to take my child home and it's awful! I've tried the naughty corner, taking him out of the situation and shouting but nothing is working. Has anyone else been in this situation and do you have any advice?????

bigspender30 · 20/11/2008 18:26

Have you tried totally ignoring him and giving the other child lots of attention?
(As per Shitehawk's advice). I tried it today and it worked a treat. I also tell my DS How sad he is making me. Not sure how much he understands though

Cathpot · 20/11/2008 18:40

Finbea Have you tried the -if you hit anyone again we are going straight home- tactic, and then when he does it, go straight home. I know it is a huge pain for you, but it might be time well spent so you can say- remember what happened last time. It is a really pushy bitey age, and it will get better.

Also fifitot I was thinking re the snowdome thing, do you give her a warning about what will happen, ie in 15 minutes we are going, 10, 5 2 minutes and then off. It seemed to help with DD1 at that age and I still give her 20 mins and 5 mins warnings now when we have to leave fun places and she's nearly 4.

fifitot · 20/11/2008 19:35

Cathpot - will try that as I think it will help. She came out of the snowdome place without any warning and probably was a rude awakening for her. Good idea!

As regards the hitting and biting of me though but will keep ignoring this - though it's hard!!!!!!!

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ellymae · 20/11/2008 21:24

my DH was listening to a radio programme a while back that included a discussion with a child pyschologist amongst others. I think they were talking about bad behaviour and asking listeners to phone in with their experiences.

One mum rang to say that she bought a cheap fairy wand and when her DD was playing up she told her that if she were to wave the wand her DD would become invisible. So, when the bad behaviour started, the wand was waved and the mum ignored the DD. Once the DD thought that mum couldn't see her she would get upset and plead to be made 'visible' again and started to behave.

I've no idea how old the DD was and how long this method worked but the pyschologist thought it was a brilliant idea!!

mamaberta · 20/11/2008 21:36

Poor you - it is hell and there are no magic answers. It depends on you and your child tho I am a bit at the psychiatrist's suggestion. I porridge knit on this. Kids need to learn that tantrums aren't OK but that anger and frustration are normal feelings and to be shown how to manage their emotions. It's slow and frustrating andyou would have to be a saint not to lose it with them sometimes but with our first DD none of the naughty-step/time out stuff worked. Staying dead calm, holding her and waiting for it to subside did. then talking about it all afterwards, commenting on the things which were not acceptable. Look, I'm not saying it's going to suit your family but there are many ways of handling tantrums. Supernanny is not the only way to go. I based some of my ideas on "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" though I found the author an irritant who does seem to expect perfection from parents at all times!!

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