How does it affect you when your dc is told off by the teachers?

[toobusytothink]

Have just picked my ds up from preschool. He has just turned 3 and has been going since the summer term. When I arrived, his key worker told me that they had to talk to him for not sharing and then he was a bit rude back saying "no". I know it wasn't a big deal but I just wanted to give ds a huge hug.

I used to be a teacher and was fairly strict and told kids off quite a bit. I never really thought of the effect it had on them or on their parents.

Am very interested from a parent's and teacher's point of view about telling offs and how people feel about them. Teachers definitely need to be free to tell off kids and I would hope they would have the support of parents and the parents would follow it up appropriately. Just wondering if you do follow up with your own punishments at home or whether you feel the teacher has done the deed and they need a hug from you. (Not for 1 minute suggesting all this relates to my ds as he is still v young)

Sort of in between. Teacher has already done the job so I don't need to do it again, but don't particularly feel the need to comfort them either. I'd probably do the brisk approach, 'oh well, never mind, now you know you musn't do that'. If they questioned the punishment I would be supportive of the teacher unless it was truly outrageous, illegal and discriminatory. I tend to give the teacher the benefit of doubt.

I agree with cory.

also agree with cory

I'm with cory too. I will listen to their woes and talk to them about why they were given out to but unless I felt the teacher was unfair I would say briskly 'well that's the way things work in school' and move on. If I felt the teacher had been unnecessarily harsh I would talk to the teacher privately.

Thanks for your responses. That's really reassuring to hear for me with my teacher's hat on. I guess it is actually quite good if dc is a bit upset about it as he/she is less likely to do it again. Guess I'm just finding it difficult to realise that you do get less protective over them as they get older and more responsible for their own actions.

My ds is now 16, but tells me that in the early years in Primary he was frequently sent to the head's office, for being a little toad! I suspect it was nothing serious, as presumably I would have been told, but boyish over-enthusiasm!!

It obviously didn't worry him too much - so long as I didn't find out.

It makes my insides curdles and tears well up

I even had a nightmare recently that I was helping out in ds1's class and his teacher sent him out, it was awful

but that's just my unresolved issues with authority

I always back the teacher to the hilt (once I've ascertained that it was fair, which it always is with this teacher) I usually make it quite clear to ds1 that I agree with her and that I want him to remember what she said. I don't punish him again though.

Being a parent will certainly affect how I treat my pupils now! I have to say that I assume most don't pass on to their parents if they have been told off. Guess if it was serious enough I would speak to the parents myself directly. But those who do tell their parents, I always got the impression they were siding with their child. Now I realise it is a natural protective instinct and can empathise that they just want to find out what happened.

I always feel if a teacher has told my child off then the child usually deserves it.
I tend to be on the teachers' side. Though not a teacher myself I know so many of them.

doesn't anyone else feel slightly nauseous when their child gets in trouble? Or am I just a wuss?

i just and say - a bit of teacher arse kissing will get you everywhere, remember that and a bit less with the gobshyting

I'm sure I don't hear about all the times DS is told off! Last year his teacher used to call me over at the end of the day and tell me that he hadn't done his work, or he'd been sent to the heads office, and I had to try not to laugh DS is not naughty (generally) last year he was very bored and his teaccher didn't know what to do - this years teacher has a whole different approach and so far so good. I just used to tell DS to apologise to his teacher, and leave it at that. If it had been for being horrible to other children, or being rude, I think I might have taken it further once we got home.

i always back the teacher but do listen to DS's (it's always DS...!) side of the story too. he rarely gets told off really, but last week got told off for talking in assembly and also for being mean to another child (snatching a toy)(worse in my eyes, as per seeline's post) and had had to miss playtime. because he'd been tricky at home all week too, i decided to come down hard and hauled him home from his first-ever sleepover later that day (having not got full story before he'd already left with other child's mum). certainly an effective punishment - he was devastated! and has been much better since in fact. i am not that impressed with his teacher, who seems a bit permanently flustered, and not great at discipline - but i want to back her 100% and if my child is misbehaving at school i take it very seriously.

my dc's are devastated when they are told off by a teacher

that's what makes them behave

I back the teacher but obviously listen to the child's story

but tbh it has happened rarely

my kids hate the thought of a teacher knowing they are being naughty that I use it as a way of discipline

"I will tell Miss R that you didn't behave yourself" met with gasps of disbelief!!!

ds1 (11) got told off twice yesterday and we had long chats. I think it was probably his first real run-in at his new school, and he was quite upset and told me all about it.

I'm trying to educate him that the best thing to do at the end of the lesson really is to smile sweetly and say "sorry miss" [doleful expression] "it won't happen again Sir, I promise".

I would always back the school to the hilt in any punishments they decide to impose.

I don't think we'll have a repeat occurrence of either incident in the near future.

I am watching this thread with interest.

The junior years of primary were pretty grim for DS1. Last year we were hauled in to the heads office and it turned out that the teacher involved (not DS1s class teacher) hadn't bothered find out the full story before she acted and DS1 wasn't actually in the wrong. He had a couple of incidents with that teacher when he was in her class that were similarly misinterpreted. so before, where I'd always sided with the teachers and imposed a relevant punishement at home (no TV, no sweets - nothing serious like a naughty cupboard!!!), that made me go back to the feelings of nausea and over-protectiveness (and rightly so - basically he was getting into trouble for being bullied, because they couldn't cope with the bully), and by the time he left primary (despite having a fantastic class teacher) we were both a bit "oh FGS" with it all.

He has not (because he is not actually a badly behaved thug, but a well mannered, thoughtful, mildly anxious, slightly odd and a bit silly 11yo boy) actually been in trouble more than once since he moved up to secondary. And that was because he forgot his book. His own fault.