Behaviour of DP!!!!

[aiti72]

Please help us.. DP seriously messes up the nighttime sleep of DD1 aged 3 with frantic play during bedtime. This has continued for so long I'm at the end of my tether now (am also taking care of DD2 aged four months at night), which DP seems to think it's just ridiculous. He is a very good dad, full of fun, but how can it be possible that he doesn't understand what he's doing to DD1! He comes home at 6pm and at 7pm DD1 should start her evening routine (she wakes up for preschool at 7am). The thing is she would stay calm if DP did, but he thinks having fun is more important, and a few minutes before saying goodnight they are still laughing and screaming the house down. Needless to say DD1 cannot fall asleep but continues singing in her room, sometimes for a full hour. This must sound like a stupid little thing (it surely is that DP), but I'm the one who sees the result the next day and often throughout the night; DD1 is overtired and constantly with tears. Last night the poor thing woke up five times talking, laughing and crying! Whenever I put her to bed after a story she falls asleep almost instantly, only wakes up for the toilet and is in a good mood next day, but I cannot possibly say her dad shouldn't read her a story, can I? Also, at that time I'm cooking dinner holding a four month old so DP really should be able to manage the bedtime routine (he never cooks so cannot change tasks. Sorry this is long(I'm veryvery tired and babbling), will show DP what you think, thanks a million!

I understand why he wants to do fun play, but you are right. FOR HER SAKE he needs to help her wind down. Could they do fun play at the weekends or first thign instead?

Oh! I think he should get up in the night and you sleep in the spare room (we don't have one so maybe sofa) Thankfully my DH is a teacher and totally understand the importance of sleep and routine to a developing child. He also want his son to play for England. So DH gets home (after looking after other peoples children) at 6.30pm. He does after school clubs and goes to his 'Third space' after work, coffee at Starbuck. He gets in has a another coffee with DS as Ds watches bedtime T.V or chats about his day to Dad. Then all upstairs I help Ds brush his teeth and bath PJ's. DH is starting to mark homework. Ds calls DH and he reads a story no jumping about etc.. Then sings him songs 'Jerusalem' and 'Sloop John B' At the weekend we have a break from routine to visit friends etc. Jumping about happens am in bed at the weekends. We have done this since Ds was a few months old. Sweet as a nut

Agree with others ... fun play is NOT for just before bed. I made the mistake of doing this with DD2 (2yo) the other day (you'd think I'd know better) but she was just so cute and giggling so much as I was tickling her and playing 'no more monkeys jumping on the bed'. Oh my goodness did we know about it. She didn't settle till 9.30pm which is more than 2 hours after bedtime and was HIDEOUS the next day. It then becomes a vicious cycle because the tiredness then disrupts the next day's naps and then she's over tired for the next night's bedtime.

He can still have a lovely time with DD but doing something a bit calmer ... reading stories, singing (sleepy) songs, cuddle, etc. Anything as long as it's low key and calm. DD1 (5) likes to hear about stories from when DH or me were children when she's tucked up in bed. That's our last thing after stories before we say goodnight. DD2 has stories and then a song.

Children need their sleep and they need to go to sleep at a reasonable time. I'm defo not making the bouncing on the bed mistake again any time soon

Oh, i feel your pain!!!! My DP is exactly the same, but i can tell you - the rod he made - his back!! Im not having a bar of it - no no no, HE puts her to bed - she insists, HE now has to lay with her until she falls asleep - it can take hours. He has to deal with her if she wakes in the night, but yes, i have to put up with irritable toddler syndrome during the day.

Drives me to insanity, but ive been worn down, i just let it ride. It'l pass, yp in about ten years

Oh you have my sympathy! My DH does this regularly. He often arrives home from work just as I am reading a bedtime story to the dcs (6.6 and 5) or even when I have just switched off their lights. He is always desperate to see them and I feel too mean to stop him going in to say goodnight but I have to beg him not to start making them laugh/chatting/tickling them. By that stage of the day I just want some time to myself and they are usually very tired (although of course very pleased to see DH) so I find it incredibly frustrating that it disrupts and delays their bedtime. In other words, I have failed miserably to stop my DH doing this so I wouldn't presume to advise you how to stop your DP . But I know exactly how you feel!

You have somehow to get the message across to your dp that this is actively BAD for your daughter. It is ultimately selfish for him to act like this before bed - he makes himself feel good and like a fun father but he is harming your daughter.

Having fun together is important, but not just before bed. He'll have to wait til Saturday. If he won't accept this then he's a selfish, immature idiot!!

For every thread like this there is a "DH is a selfish git who doesn't want to spend any time with the DCs when he comes in after his 12-hour day, he just wants to pour himself a glass of wine and put his feet up, the bastard". The words "win" and "can't" spring to mind.

My DH does this- I think he uses the kids as a way to unwind after a long day and I don't think it's right. You can have quality time that does NOT involve winding the LO's up. It is really selfish. You need to be able to trust him to follow your instructions re bedtime as you know the consequences of the hyped up bedtimes. You need to have a chat about parenting boundaries- you stay at home, you make the rules re 'procedures'.

After many arguments about it, the only thing that I found to work was to leave the three of them to it at the weekends when it's not a novelty to end his day. It's not so much fun after a whole day of having the kids.

I second the idea of calm play after the gorilla chasing. That way your dp gets to play with his dd the way that it feels natural but he also learns how to do the calming cuddling stories after. We have bath time as the barrier (before bath manic, after bath is calm time upstairs with stories + milk)
Don't forget the relationship betweeen your dp and his dd is actually as important as her sleep

Oh I feel for you. My DH works away from home for about half the week, and when he is here he and DD play much more boisterously. She gets wildly excited about Daddy being around and it's a nightmare to get her to bed. I spend the nights when he is away getting her back into a settled routine only for it to all be destroyed when he gets back.

Yawn.....

Thank you so very much for your kind replies! All your answers helped me to reflect this(yours too, unquietdad) and your messages went to DP as well who today was just great during DD1's bedtime. Thank you!

Just to add I have a similar problem, although DP is getting much better.

My solution is that he gets DD up in the morning, does breakfast & attends to her if she wakes during the night (I have 5mth old to deal with) so if she has had a late night, he deals with the fallout in the morning!

It's difficult though, I know how you feel. I think poor DP just wants to spend some quality, fun time with his DD, but I think sometimes he just hasn't realised how my WHOLE DAY is geared up to that 6pm wind-down period

sounds like DH with DS1. he would come home at 6pm and start noisy play winding DS1 up so bedtime spiralled out of control. my solution was "you wind him up, you put him to bed and get him to sleep". several nights of 10pm before DH sat down soon put a stop to that.

with DS2, DH is very quiet and just cuddles him in the evenings