please help 5yo dd's behaviour/attitude starting to get me down

[puppydavies]

i really need some perspective on this as i think i might be blowing it up into much more than it needs to be and just making it worse.

dd1 is 5.7, bright, imaginative, creative, but i'm beginning to lose sight of that lovely little girl and just see a bossy, stroppy, self-centred little madam who's beginning to drive her friends away with her behaviour.

she's in yr 1 and seemed to thrive in reception, she started out quite shy and by the end of the year had buckets of confidence and loads of friends.

since going back this year she's started to get a right attitude with us: answering back, screaming in our faces when she doesn't get her own way (not constantly, but when thwarted). we recently found out that she was upsetting her best friend so much the friend didn't want her at her birthday party (they've been friends since babyhood, i'm close to her mum and they're in the same class at school). the problems included being bossy and leaving best friend out of games. bf's mum says bf can be a little sensitive about things and worry about stuff she'd like her to be able to brush off, but still she was clearly upset and dd didn't seem to care

we addressed as much of this as possible with dd, spoke to her, let her think up some simple things she could practise (not being bossy, not leaving people out, listening) to be a better friend. bf seems to be happy again now (and dd went to the party) but we just had her over on a play date and dd was sulky, stroppy, know-it-all, "one-upping", games had to be her way and she wouldn't share her toys (not all the time, but a significant proportion).

when i spoke to her about taking turns in a game she was by turns defiant and sulky and said "why do i have to be good all the time?". and there's the rub. instinctively i know this is typical "bad" behaviour at this age, that loads of (especially) girls go through a bossy stage at this age and i feel as though i may be coming down on her too hard about all this, expecting her to be perfect, which i'm sure is getting it wrong as much as ignoring and allowing the behaviour would be.

but then again i don't want her driving away all her "nice" friends (bf is a lovely girl) and being left with the equally chopsy bolshy ones who call her names

the behaviour towards us i feel reasonably able to cope with, but i really have no clue how to address/model/teach her better ways to interact with her friends. i want her to be thoughtful and considerate but not be a doormat and let others ride roughshod over her feelings...

any suggestions/opinions/sympathy much appreciated, this is really getting on top of me.

Sounds knackering. Coming at this from the other side - my DD (also 5 yrs) recently had some trouble at school from another girl who had been a friend. Similar stuff - bossy, always wanting to be in control etc etc. In this instance their Year 1 teacher was fabulous. Spoke to me and other mum about what she was going to do then did a kind of kiddy mentoring sesh between my DD and the other girl. This really had an impact on the girl and my DD was able to express how she felt about it all (rather than just being tearful). They are now friends again and there have been a few minor spats with the other girl throwing her weight about a bit but their teacher immediately gets them to talk and then put it behind them. Sorry if this is not too helpful just saying that if your DD's teacher is any good then she should be a great source of support / possible resolution.

thanks sparkle, it is helpful luckily we have parent's evening this week and will definitely bring it up with her teacher, especially since i've no idea if she's like this with all her friends (i suspect so) or whether there's just a clash between her and bf at the moment.

i think i find perspective difficult as i didn't have a particularly easy time at school so i'm wary of projecting my issues onto dd. but hopefully her teacher should have a much better idea of "normal" yr1 behaviour and how to handle it.

I'm sure teacher will know how to tackle it. My DD's teacher said Yr 1 girls are notorious for this - getting all bossy and emotional and falling out - and although it is totally normal it is something that has to be actively managed by the school or it gets out of hand. Social engineering unavoidable with little girls I guess - lads just punch each other then forget about it

I have a DS also 5 who has turned into a monster. I don't think it is just girls. I am tearing my hair out. I saw this thread and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Our situation is different in that at school he is an angel but the minute he walks out of those gates he turns into a horror and I've started to dread 3.25pm each day...

Good luck . I'm hoping this is "just a phase"

Can I join? My dd1 is really trying my sanity at the moment. I ended up physically dragging her along at the weekend after her alternately screaming in my face and laughing at me when I told her off. She is so difficult at the moment she makes me cry with frustration.

i'm sorry to hear we're not the only ones going through a rough patch, but reassured too, i guess.

me and dp had a talk about it all at lunch time and we wondered whether her attempts to control her friends are just to feel she has some control over her life - a bid for independence. does that sound like a reasonable theory to anyone else?

i wonder whether some of the acting up is because she sees her 18mo sister shouting and tantrumming and i guess dd1 thinks dd2's getting her own way like this (we try very hard to make sure that doesn't happen, particularly when she has a real tantrum, but a shouting toddler is difficult to ignore). so we're expecting her to act in a more grown up way, but she's not necessarily getting the extra perks you get for being more grown up.

our first thought was to start giving her pocket money in an attempt to give her some free rein with deciding what to spend it on etc.

the only other idea we've had is our standard response to a bad behviour patch which is more one-on-one time, more positive attention.

if anyone else comes up with any good ideas - particularly if they've had this and come out the other side - please share them