can a 15 month old bear a grduge, remember an event and hate his mum

[bumbly]

had rerally really bad dya - one of worst...and this eve was reocunting to hubby and perhaps little one understood and then at night feed didn't want to be in my arms

so hystereical screaming (which we had all day for ubnknown rreason) started all over again for hubby to see

remembers me talking about him to hubby? bearing a grudge? hates his mum?

if yes then why can such a clever clog not play by himself ever for a minute when i am doing dishes etc!?

exhausted and worn down by this parenthood malaRKY

and to top it all ahve pressure ot have another one...

i can barely cope with one let alone two

bumbly, have answered many, many of your posts, and am going to repeat what i have said previoisly

you are over anxious, low self esteem, and possibly depressed. you don;t seem to enjoy motherhood and are very, very worried all the time.

i would urge you to get some support/ help/ counselling of some sort

15 months olds do not and cannot hate anyone, least of all , their mothers

you should be enjoying this time, but always seem stressed, worried, frightened and really scared.

sorry if i am speaking out of turn, but i thikn this runs deeper

forgive me if i am wrong

bumbly - hi I haven't seen your other posts, but if you're finding it a struggle a lot of the time then I'd echo lulumama's advice - you need to get some proper support and help in RL with this.

On this particular one, no, children this age don't remember things like that or bear a grudge, but they can pick up on your stress and get a bit wound up because of it. So telling your hubby about what a bad day you'd had made you feel more stressed again in reliving it, and your little one picked up on that when you were holding him and reacted to it.

It can be hard work with a child of this age, but it doesn't have to be as exhausting and miserable as you seem to be feeling there. If you get some help to deal with your stress levels, then your child will pick up on the more relaxed vibe and that will help him to be more settled.

glad they don't remember

please get some help with your anxiety, as amum has said, it will most likely help you relax and enjoy motherhoood more

If you can get some help with the stress, then your child will likely relax too and it will get easier - I know it can be hard to admit if you're not "flourishing" as a mother, I struggled on when I really should have admitted how hard I was finding it. Looking back I would have enjoyed it all a lot more, and DS would have been more relaxed and happy, if I'd just gone to the doc or the HV and told them how rough it was at times. Please consider it - the sooner you do it, the sooner you can all be happier in your lives.

bumbly

I understand how you feel as I also have had periods when I have found it really tough. Mothering a toddler can be very difficult - they seem to change so quickly from little baby stage. When ds (19 months) is having a tantrum I keep repeating to myself 'my job is to stay calm' and not get affected by his rage - as I do agree with others on this thread that they pick up on your emotional state.

Mothering is such hard work bumbly. I have answered many of your posts as our ds' were both such hard work as babies.

Please remember that your ds does not hate you. He adores you, you are the centre of his world and will be for a long time to come.

All babies/ toddlers can scream and act up for no apparent reason, my ds still does and I really don't take it personally. I tend to just think 'ahhh well, your choice buddy' and move on by distracting him or leaving him to tantrum for a minute or two, he soon comes round and is clambering all over me again.

He really doesn't hate you bumbly, i know you haven't enjoyed parenting much so far but it will get better and your confidence will grow. i really do think that you need to tell your family/ friends how hard you are finding it and perhaps they could play with him a bit while you get out and about/ go for a coffee/ gym/ whatever you enjoy.

The fact that he needs you to play with him 24/7 is testement to how important you are to him. It will get easier but I do agree that you need some time out for yourself. It's so draining and emotional being a mother but it should be enjoyable too.

thanks joe

in answer to everyone else

after i wrote post...little one woke up screaming in fits...i reach to hold him and it gets worse but calms immediately with hubby

even hubby admitted he seemed so unhappy to be with me

nothing more i can say

Agree with the others that they can't hold a grudge or hate you. However, I do know from experience that babies can prefer one parent to another. Ds certainly preferred dh for well over a year from about this age.

Its hard, but you just have to take it in your stride. He does not hate you, there is just something about your dh he prefers - his small, his sound, the feel of his clothes, the fact he is more relaxed. Don't worry about why, it could be anything.

Just carry on offering your som as much love as you can (even when you don't seel it and God know I did not much of the time).

It is heartbreaking and I am not sure that anyone who has not been there can understand how truly awful it is to feel rejected by your child. However, I can promise that it is only a phase and he should grow out of it.

It sounds like he's picking up on your stress and unhappiness, bumbly - just like AMIS said.

She and lulumama are also right to suggest that you look for some help and support. You sound really down and depressed to me. I suffer from depression and had PND after each of my three, so I can empathise with how you are feeling.

But there is lots of help and support out there. Go and talk to your GP or your health visitor - please.

Please, please, please don't think that it is inevitable, and that he "doesn't like you". He is picking up on your stress, and feels uncomfortable because of it. So when you picked him up, after a day which had been very stressful, your stress was something which he could feel and so there was no way that he could calm down. You handed him over to hubby, who was not stressed, and he picked up the more relaxed feel from him and so was able to calm down.

It's not you that he doesn't like, it's your stress level.

Do you know the saying that dogs and horses can tell if you're afraid of them? Lots of animals, as well as humans from tiny babies up to adults can pick up people's emotions from the way that they look and feel and sound. Babies and young children can pick up on people's feelings, specially the people they are with regularly, so if you are stressed or angry or even just miseable and exhausted, then they will often feel that and will express their unhappiness in the only ways they can - by crying and acting stressed themselves.

The way for you to "cure" his unhappiness is to get help for your own. Honestly, truly, if you can get help with your stress then he will respond to that and be calmer and happier with you.

Bumbly
I have posted on one or two of your threads, afaikr. I have often read your other threads. I agree with Lulumama, I am afraid.

You appear to me to be very stressed and anxious. I find it worrying that many of your post seem to be about your DS hating you or you not coping. I assure you that he does not hate you. He is picking up on your unhappiness and this will continue until you get help for your feelings.

Can you speak to your husband about your feelings? Or your GP?

Bumbly - can I ask you about that rash your ds has on the pics in your profile? Did you ever find out what it was?

you need some help with your anxiety and some support. sounds like your DH is not saying the right things

Oh Bumbly, my heart goes out to you. I do know how you feel and I do sympathise. My ds does save his best kisses for daddy and always goes crackers and is full of smiles when he sees him come home from work, on the rare occassions I go out without ds, I get back and it's almost like he hasn't even noticed I've been anywhere.

I don't take it personally as I know that ds plays up for his daddy too, it's just that he sees daddy as a novelty as I am ALWAYS with him.

I'd look at it differently and see it that if your ds is happy and relaxed with your dh then take full advantage of it! Leave him with him for a bit and get some rest and some time away. It can't be any fun if you hve no social life, no relaxation time, and a difficult phase to deal with.

You really need to relax though luv because he will find it stressful being around you if you are stressed out being around him but I do know that is easier said than done. I used to feel anxious all the time around ds, he was so unhappy and such hard work. I worked 24/7 to try and stop him from crying, everytime he squeaked or whined, I jumped and ran to stop him. It drove me mad.

I don't think he suddenly got better when I relaxed but I certainly felt better and found I could ignore his whinging and not let it stress me out as much, this meant that he did finally whinge less as he eventually meant it didn't get him any extra attention.

i tend to just block it out now as I know it's just frustration and his temper. He needs to learn that when he is ill or hurt then mummy comes running but that I will not tolerate him taking the p*ss and whinging for no reason which he used to do every waking hour.

It will get easier though Bumbly, he really won't be a baby forever. He will begin to understand more and you will relax when you can talk and reason with him a bit more but it will be a long and painful journey if you don't get some time away and some perspective. It will get beeter and he doesn't hate you!

hi bumbly, it sounds to me you are not ready to seek professional help, but i can only agree with lulumama.

do give yourself the deserved help/time. brushing it under the carpet wont make it go away.

(our babies have similar age and i too read your posts since the beginning)