ok so do all or any of the behaviour management "techniques" actually work for your kids?

[yawningmonster]

This is generally how things go for us

1. Give simple choices eg: Ds do you want yellow shirt or blue shirt?

Ds response 1: La la la la la Ds response 2: Go away

1. Give natural consequences eg: Ds if you use that toy to hit me I will take it away from you.

Ds response 1: Don't say that, hits me again Ds response 2: Massive tantrum that ends in time to chill (simple easy things ALWAYS ALWAYS escalate for ds)

1. Positive attention: I like the way you are putting your building together

Ds response 1. Go away Ds response 2. Don't say anything Ds response 3. Immediately stops playing and either starts acting up or nagging me

1. Talking so kids listen eg: It must be really hard when I say no to having that lolly

Ds response 1. Escalates massive tantrum to hitting us and earning time out Ds response 2. Don't talk to me Ds response 3. I want the lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly. I want the lolly now, now, now, now, now, now. Give it to me, Give it to me, Give it to me (you get the picture)

1. Time out number of minutes per age, if we open door after 4 minutes we will be hurt guarenteed. Usually go to door and ask if he has calmed down but usually takes at least an hour sometimes more
2. Pick your battles

Um actually it is usually ds who picks them over almost anything at anytime a

1. Ignore the bad

Ds response . Escalates into hurting

1. Making it their problem eg "Ds if you don't get dressed we will miss playgroup"

Ok this just doesn't work on so many levels, first he doesn't really seem to care. Next he spends the time he would have been at playgroup either nagging me to entertain him or tantrumming when I won't which is soooo much more punishment for me than it is for him. Anyone else got a child like this or if not what works and what am I doing so, so, so wrong?

Most "techniques" work with my kids tbh, if I have the energy/enthusiasm to carry them out
My main philosophies are:

1. emphasisizing the positive and rewards rather than punishments.
   So rather than say "we'll go to the cinema on Saturday" and then threaten to remove that privilege if they misbehave;
   We'll say "if you are very good at bed-time all this week then we'll go to the cinema on Saturday" or even better "because you've been so good all week, we're going to the cinema today."

2. only say something if you really mean it and are prepared to follow it up to the letter. And if you do mean something then say it like you mean it.

I work with big, hulking, potentially intimidating teenagers, and find it shocking to say the least when parents say they they can't get their 5 yr-old to do as they're told. No wonder some children are in the state they're in by the time they reach secondary.

I agree colacubes, if they know that 'no' means 'no' it saves a lot of trouble.
Body language says a lot. I always had things that were non negotiable e.g. once they were in bed they stayed there. (It was my time and there was no way I was going to put up with them coming downstairs.)

1. Give simple choices eg: Ds do you want yellow shirt or blue shirt?

I only use this in moderation , and if they won't make a sensible choice, they get what I impose on them. It can still be a useful distraction technique from the real issue, which is the one they don't get a choice over.

1. Give natural consequences eg: Ds if you use that toy to hit me I will take it away from you.

I would take the toy away and count it as a win to me- once I've taken the toy, he doesn't get to hit me with it any more, does he? I try to choose my natural consequences so that they make the undesired behaviour impossible. And if they then want to go to the trouble of having tantrums, that's not my problem. But a consequence that immediately makes naughtiness impossible should eventually lead to the message: Mummy always gets her way.

1. Positive attention: I like the way you are putting your building together

Has to be used in moderation IME, or they do suss out that it's a bit false.

1. Talking so kids listen eg: It must be really hard when I say no to having that

This can easily slide into the passive-aggressive. Dd's ghastly old headteacher used to say to me 'I hear what you are saying, mrs X', which is just code language for 'and I'm not going to take a blind bit of notice'. Sometimes it's better to do the brisk approach, 'well, never mind, darling, let's be off now'.

1. Time out number of minutes per age, if we open door after 4 minutes we will be hurt guarenteed. Usually go to door and ask if he has calmed down but usually takes at least an hour sometimes more

Has to be tailored to the child. Some children need an awful lot longer, others are really difficult to keep in one place unless you chain them down. Doesn't mean the principle can't work; you may just have to tweak it. But I would restrain a child that tried to hurt me rather than let him think I was physically afraid. I would hold him (well, more often her) and repeat calmly 'no, I am not going to let you hurt anyone. I can't do that you know. '.

1. Pick your battles

Myeesss, but you can still tailor your responses, I find.

1. Ignore the bad

Depends on the situation IMO. Sometimes you just have to refuse to be drawn into an argument. Other things, like destruction of property you cannot and should not ignore. It's about making up your mind on the spur of the moment as to what needs swift intervention. But one thing I do think is important and that is not to let the sun go down on your wrath.

1. Making it their problem eg "Ds if you don't get dressed we will miss playgroup"Ok this just doesn't work on so many levels, first he doesn't really seem to care. Next he spends the time he would have been at playgroup either nagging me to entertain him or tantrumming when I won't which is soooo much more punishment for me than it is for him.

Yes indeed. Or the famous Dr Spock suggestion of sending them to school in their pyjamas if they won't get dressed. Well, it's not Dr Spock that has to deal with the visits from the Education Welfare Officer, is it? IMO these can only work when the child cares so much about the consequence that they are willing to forego a tantrum. And when the consequences are not going to land the adults in unforeseen trouble. Which in dd's case would have been very few things indeed. So I had to resort to stuffing her arms in her sleeves anyway.

On the other hand, I would be very loath to let a child no that I am giving in because I find the tantrums too wearing. I found I got to care less and less about tantrums. So choice between tantrum and giving in- tantrum!

lol abbeya i have really pissed myself off listening to myself using the empathy technique though it, er, sometimes works. (and often doesn't.) i'm with bigtilly - 'raising your spirited child' explained my child to me better than any other book ever has and tbh the passing of time has done more than any technique seems to have managed to do. ie - life with my DD was largely torture age 4 and is largely great (but punctuated by many challenging moments, still) age 7!dogged determination is indeed KEY!

'How to talk' isn't only about empathy though. I agree that empathising over every little tiny issue is going to seriously annoy your child.
Particularly when you have just refused your child a lolly!