How best to help DD aged 4 at school? (long rambling, sorry!)

[Dontknowwhat2do4best]

DD has just started reception. We have always had concerns about some quirky aspects of her behaviour and over the years have wondered about aspergers but then ruled it out because there are things about her which don't suggest she's on that spectrum...

Maybe relevant or not...She has always lined things up (still does), eye contact poor - non existent when younger, slow physical development / co-ordination, speech sounds delayed, unable to cope with noisy environments, easily 'flapped' when routines change, acute fear of heights and flushing the toilet(!), odd little habits like bites her tongue when eating, food allergies / aversions.

Her Nursery managed her quirkiness and just used to say ' she's been a bit sensitive today' often when we picked her up but were more focussed on how 'exceptionally clever and gifted' they perceived her to be. She learnt to read at just over 2, comfortably reading simple chapter books by 3 and at 4.6 can read most books at 7-9 year old level. She exceeded her early learning goals in most areas, acheivingt ELG by time she left in nearly all except the social and emotional one. She hasn't been 'hot housed' but was always exceptionally good at jigsaws and just loves reading alone or to us. She likes to draw, can write a few sentences and spells very well (self taught) She also plays well with toys and dolls and likes being with other children.

Anyway, now she has started school, things are not going so well. We got called in to head teacher as she has been uncooperative and unfocussed doing things such as hiding under the tables in class. She does not show any of her academic abilities. She doesn't appear to be making friends and does not like / cope with playtime. Basically the head teacher said they had never met a child like DD who had actually 'beaten' them that morning by refusing to back down and do what they were asking them to do. I fear for her in terms of 'settling in' and wonder whether we should mention our thoughts re possible AS to teacher. We have been very against this approach in past as don't feel labels are always helpful. She can be a delightful child, loving, lively, bright and inquisitve but seems to be becoming more 'stressed' and tearful as the school term goes on.

We have emphasised we want to work with the school to help our DD but do you think it would be helpful or unhelpful to mention our thoughts about possible Aspergers? Or do you think we are completely wrong and worrying unnecessarily? Any advice please?

what did the teacher suggest?
I would not necessarily mention AS, but do mention the "quirks" she has, and perhaps how her nursery dealt with them?
ask the teacher how they plan on dealing with this and what they think about it... remember they see kids day in day out, I would imagine they're pretty good at spotting if something isn't quite right.

and if you're worried then see a GP. explain why you';re worried and see what they say

I think if you are seriously concerned about AS or similar you should get an expert to assess her (via your gp). I'm not sure that mentioning AS, which is as yet unconfirmed, will actually help the school unless they have the support of the relevant health professionals associated with that diagnosis. I get the impression they are not sure how to proceed.

IIWY, I would ask for a referral for a proper assessment so you can settle the AS question one way or the other. Remember it's a spectrum condition - it can be high-functioning and relatively mild. But also bear in mind that it is still really early days for school (I remember being dragged bodily across the floor into assemblies, sitting in a sink filled with water and various other protests during my first weeks of school - but it did pass).

Thank you for your replies. I think you are right, without backup, it might just be seen as an excuse. Our health visitor suggested assessments just over a year ago but at the time we thought she might outgrow these traits. Lots of children have little oddities and are quite 'normal'?

The HT didn't say anything particularly constructive apart from 'tomorrow is another day' - was clearly thrown by the strength of DD's 'silent protest'. Basically the whole school was in assembly and told to stand. DD just sat there and blankly refused. She could not be persuaded and it took a classroom assistant and then another teacher to coax her out of the hall whilst all other children waited . For us the purpose of the meeting was to tell the headteacher how things are for DD from our perspective and try to rebalance the view of DD in a more positive light as they are just seeing this strange presentation and didn't even believe she could read until she confidently read to the HT whilst we were there. I think she is stumping them but I have faith in the school, just don't know how best to help DD.

I'm really surprised that they've never seen this kind of passive resistence before - it's exactly the kind of thing I used to do! I warn you though - I've always been a bit like that