How can I help my oversensitive DS1 (Age 7) to 'toughen' up?

[josben]

I have just come home from heping on my DS1's school trip. It was the usual rowdyness that you would expect. But I have come away feeling concerned that my DS1 cannot 'hold his own' with the more assertive boys in his class - (and I think in general with kids outside school) he is quite gentle, is a bit quiet and can be almost timid at times.... Sometimes he just looked a bit lost. I have thought about sending him to Taecondwoo (sp?) to help him...?

When he is at home with his younger brother and sister or with my family he is different - he's very confident and outgoing.... i just wish he could find some of this confidence outside of our home because I'm worried that he will stuggle if he doesn't get a thicker skin soon...

any advice would be appreciated

The simple answer is that I'm not sure you can...

DS2 is very much the same (only 6) and I think I have had to accept that he's just not that sort of loud, rowdy and 'in-crowd' sort of kid.

He has major self-confidence problems and I'm just constantly trying to boost his self-esteem, keep telling him what his strengths are and making him feel secure in himself.

I suppose a key question would be, "Is he happy being one of the more quiet ones?"
If he is, then no problems. If, however, he talks about wanting to make more friends/ get into things more, then maybe have a look at the few books out there on helping your child develop their confidence?

He may just turn out to be one of those quietly confident people that others will be happy to spend time with... and those assertive boys will end up being arses that only their mothers love. Who knows?

I'd say just help him find his own way. He may not need to do some type of martial art to learn to display confidence but perhaps doing something outside of school will help him more generally in being confident outside of his comfort zone (i.e. home)?

BTW, I am definitely no expert, have only one child of 6 mo, but thought I'd post as my husband (apparently) was a quiet, timid appearing child. But he has turned into a confident, self-assured person and he's jolly lovely. Playing a sport outside of school may have helped.

I think KatyPillar is right...

A few years ago on MN I posted some concerns about my elder child, who was quiet, geeky and couldn't get 'in' with his predominant loud (and football-playing) classmates.

He's now 9 and has found his 'niche' in music and drama, and although he isn't mates as such with the other crowd they seem to respect him for what he is...

I think that the question that legacy asked is an important one - is he happy being one of the quieter ones? I think that the anwer to that is yes - he is happy doing his own thing, not being too much of a follower and playing with his group of friends...

i guess I would like him to be able to speak up more for himself and also be a bit more competitive so he doesn't miss out on opportunities....

I was a sensitive child and now a sensitive adult. My Father spent his life trying to 'toughen' me up. It caused a lot of misery and now we have a very poor relationship. Be careful and accept your child the way they are. Yes sensitivity might cause them some heartache but it is also a wonderful trait to have

I agree with roseability - be careful. DH and I were both sensitive children whose parents tried to "toughen us up" and repeatedly pushed out of our comfort zone to "help us". Both of us have taken most of our adult lives to turn that around. We both still dread being out of our comfort zone and do it under duress. I'm convinced, if we had been accepted for who we were and nurtured and allowed our safe place at home we would not be as bad as we were as young adults. We have both vowed that if DS is like us (and he certainly shows elements of it already) then we will go with him, reassure where he needs to be reassured etc, give him tools to cope but in no way attempt to toughen him up. He's only a toddler at the moment but we just teach him to say "no, stop, I don't like it" if another child is hurting him, but we stand with him and reiterate the message and hold on to him and cuddle him if he just wants to hide in our laps, he gets down when he's ready. Not everyone's child is going to be Mr Popular, centre of attention and that is a good thing - he needs quiet confidence in himself and that will come from a loving home that accepts him just as he is so when he's ready to do things he hasn't dug his heals in because he feels pressured. And competitiveness is hugely over-rated in my very humble opinion

I would agree to leave him alone. I was a sensitive DC, efforts to toughen up don't help.
If he has a loving home confidence will come in time (maybe a long time). My middle DS was like this in many ways but he blossomed without pressure.
I have never wanted to be one of the 'in crowd' and don't now. The outsiders are often far more interesting once you get to know them.
Tae kwan do is very good-but only if your DS wants to do it.

Message withdrawn

If you even hint at him needing to change he'll feel like he's not good enough.

He might just be the strong silent type in rowdy situations. That's fine. What a dull (and perpetually noisy!) world it would be if we were all rowdy, in-your-face extroverts.

Undoubtedly he wont be the only one in his class who is like this so he wont be left out or on his own.

Try reading The Highly Sensitive Child by Elain Aaron.