Would it be fair on our daughter to have another baby ??

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter is just over 3.5 and we are trying for another baby. My daughter has a speech disorder but is absoluitly gorgeous in every way. We all dote on her. She is also quite sensitive and I wonder how having another baby would effect her. I know she'll probubly regress, and that woun't be a good thing as she'll be starting primary school around that time. Sometimes I think it's the best decission for her and that she'll love having a sibling, then other times I know how hard it'll be for her and almost feel guilty about wanting another.
Is it possible to still give my daughter the same amount of love and attention she's used to after a new baby?
I'm taking Clomid at the moment to try to concieve and my husband has a lower than average sperm count, so I don't even know if it will happen. He's said that he'd be happy either way. If we can't have another one then we couldn't have a better child anyway. I agree with him.
I also worry that another baby wouldn't be as good as our daughter. She was so smiely and happy and such a caring little girl, I think the new baby would have a lot to live up to. If he or she was a bit grumpy or cold natured, I don't think I'd take to him or her as much. This wouldn't be fair on the baby.
What do you think ?

Yes it will be fine. All your fears are totally normal, everyone goes through them to some extent. My DD had been at school for a week when DS was bought and shortly after she was diagnosed with dyspraxia. She is also quite sensitive and at times has found it hard.

She has been jealous and has struggled at times to deal with it but she does admit now that she is glad DS is here.

I think it is a common belief that you couldn't possibly love another baby as much as your first.The reality is that is is incredibly easy,as you will discover should you have another.

I think it is true of all siblings that sometimes they adore each other and sometimes they wish the other had never been born! I think this is normal.

I hope it all works out well for you.

Thanks chocolate tea pot, I'm sure you're right. I've never hered anyone say that they regret having a second child.
My Mum couldn't bond with my brother at first but she'd never regret having him.

I agree with WTWTW, I think your love just multiplies to accommodate the new baby. I also believe that it is important to remember how important siblings are throughout your life. When you grow up it is still wonderful to have a sibling to share your life with and to not be alone when difficult things happen such as elderly parents getting ill. My brother is 9 years older and lives at the other end of the country but it is still great to know he is there. I think your DD will ultimately thank you for giving her a sibling if that happens.

Thanks WildThings, I just hope that having another child dosn't change my daughters life for the worse. If I knew it would, then I wouldn't have another.
She is very caring and loving though so would probubly make a fantastic big sister. She is also very well behaved, which helps.

LOL at CT's freudian slip. ...or did you buy him?

MLL - as the others have said, I think you are going through very common fears. Our DD1 is very like you describe your DD and she has absolutely thrived on being an older sibling. She is very maternal and we had very few jealousy issues with her. The other 3 DC have their moments though!

When they are young, it's easy to focus on their needs now. But she will not be this age forever. How do you imagine her when she's 8? 13? 18? for example. Perhaps it's easier to see her with a sibling then.

She might regress a bit, but it will be short lived. And you will forget it in an instant when you see her hugging her sibling.

I don't think people should have a second child for the sake of their firstborn. But if you and DH want another, I am sure she will reap the benefits.

Thanks WildThings, I just hope that having another child dosn't change my daughters life for the worse. If I knew it would, then I wouldn't have another.
She is very caring and loving though so would probubly make a fantastic big sister. She is also very well behaved, which helps.

claricebean- I'm not sure what wrong with me, but I could feel my eyes welling up when I read "You will forget it in an instant when you see her hugging her sibling".
Could I be pregnant already ?
I think this proves that I must really want another.

I found your post really funny, because I remember thinking exactly the same way when I was ttc DD2, and of course now I can look back and see just how ridiculous I was. You WILL love your new baby just as much as your DD, and it won't change how you feel about DD. I have three lovely daughters now and I love each one just as much as her sisters and all of them more than anything in the world. And they love each other too (most of the time!). Don't worry - go for it.

Oh and yes, I definatly see my daughter at 8 or 13 with a sibling.
I emagine the funny banter and them making fun of Mum and Dad.
She loves having friends around to play but gets upset when they leave.

I know I'll probubly look back and laugh about it too.
The funny thing is I have 2 younger sisters. I was 7 when the first was born and I absoluitly worshiped her. She is one of these girls that has it all. Looks, sence of humor and is good at everything. When I realised I had another sibling on the way when I was 11 I was really worried I wouldn't love her as much.
Of corse I did though, she is quite different but more cuddly and sensitive than my first sister.

mummyloveslucy on Thu 06-Nov-08 12:07:28
"claricebean- I'm not sure what wrong with me, but I could feel my eyes welling up when I read "You will forget it in an instant when you see her hugging her sibling".
Could I be pregnant already ?
I think this proves that I must really want another."

I think it does, you know .

I have to say some of my best parenting moments have come from seeing dd and ds together. Like coming into her room late at night and finding them curled up together fast asleep because he has had a nigthmare and she has comforted him.

That is gorgeous cory, I must have another.

When ds1 was about 4 and I was expecting ds2 (I have a dd in the middle too), he asked how I would divide my love up when the new baby was there. I told him that a family's love for each other is not like a pie, a fixed amount that has to be divided further as the family expands, but that a new baby comes complete with whole new slice of pie all their own, leaving the older sibling's share as it has always been. You will find that too.

Hope you succeed in your ttc'ing.

Aww thanks wilbur, that's lovely. I'll remember that saying for my daughter too, if she asks.

i remember being pregnant with ds1 and thinking can i love you as much as dh (who is my whole world) and feeling the same whilst pregnant with ds2 (will i love you as much as ds1?) but actually love isn't little portions that you divide up and give out. its a free flowing thing and now that i'm pregnant again i know not to worry because i have endless love to give and no one is going to miss out

it is an understandable fear though and i remember the anxiety well

I asked my daughter the other day if she'd like a baby brother or sister, just to see what she'd say and she said "No thankyou", then she had a little think and said "a brother".

oh just read the pie expression above...oops

MLL, I think I've said this to you before on another thread, I have a friend whose DS has severely delayed speech (because of ASD) and his younger sister was the best thing that ever happened to him - there is someone there constantly to talk to him on a "kid" level, (which is extremely helpful to him and has brought his speech on tremendously) and she understands him perfectly because she's grown up with him.

Good luck.

mummy
also don't assume that a new baby would cause any kind of stuttering in your DDs development.
My DS2 has severe SN but when DD was born ( when he was 6)he seemed to see himself as a big brother and became , in his own way , very protective.
It actually seemed to spur him on. And her continuing and never ending desire for play and chat and companionship has drawn him out a little more.
Watchingthem play together is heaven. He is 12 now and she is 6 and they are mates.

Thanks. I think it will be brilliant for her long term, I'd not sure she'll share our enthusiasm at first. She will be about 4.5 or even 5 by the time the baby arrives, so she'll be able to communicate her feelings better by then.

Wow, MLL. Sounds like you're convinced. Good luck TTC. Now, I just need to tell you how wonderful having four is......

I've definitely been on Mumsnet too long - I saw the thread title and knew immediately who the OP would be!

Mll - this is really meant in the kindest possible way - but I really think you sometimes need to hold your nose, shut your eyes and JUMP! If you think things over too much, you run the risk of paralyzing yourself.

Oh no !! that's bad.

You're right though, I've made my decision and I'm going to jump. (no pun intended)

Does this mean I'm famous ??

When I was pregnant with DD2, DD1 really didn't want a sibling, her behaviour was awful (she was violent to other children), she would keep saying she was scared and upset about having a sister, and I really did not know if I was doing the right thing at all...

... scroll on two years and I now have 2 DDs who absolutely adore each other, sometimes I go to bed and find them cuddled up together, and when they have been apart, they often run to each other and hug... the genuine love between them is overwhelming, and I now can't believe I ever thought twice. I remember once joking to DD1 when DD2 was about 6 months old, that we'd had her for 6 months, so should we send her back - and DD1 burst into tears!

Even with siblings who don't get on all of the time, I think they enhance each other's lives in ways that you just can't imagine, and if you want another child, then I wouldn't hold back because your DD1 will surely benefit from being a big sister!

Good luck!