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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can anyone tell me why

12 replies

OrmIrian · 05/11/2008 21:03

my slightly hippy, laidback, sort of child-led, go with the flow type of parenting, has produced two good-natured, gentle, thoughtful, sensible (usually) children? And one stubborn, bloody-minded 'character' with the ego the size of the United States and a sense of entitlement to match?

I am so so so tired of the rows. Everything is a battle. And I've had enough. I've borrowed 'Parenting the spirited child' (I think that's the title) as recommended on here. And it's great if you have a spirited child. I don't. I have a egotist, destined for world domination .

For eg I frogmarched him to bed tonight because he refused to go. Then we had a debate about who was going to take his clothes off. Independence is great. But not when he has to get up, walk to the drawer and put each item of clothing in it as he takes it off. And if I try to hurry him or help him, he wants to put all the clothes back on again so that he can take them off himself. And I can't walk out and leave him to it or he yells and won't do anything till I get back. I have 3 children who all need my time and attention. I refused to read him a story because I was cross with him. He yelled for about 30 mins. And whenever I went to see him to try and calm him, he started on about the story again. This child takes no prisoners.

DH is out. He rang to see if I was alright. I told him. He knows exactly what I mean. We've decided to try star charts...again.

Not sure if I want advice, or just to vent.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

DH and I have decided

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MeMySonAndI · 05/11/2008 21:11

Not alone, I recognise the need of folloeing some routines (ie. DS wanted to do all himself and if you interrupted his very slow routine... he will start again or would be distressed)

With time he has become less "precise", he still takes forever to do things but I think that in general is getting on ok.

Regarding why the same style of parenting have produced such different results... well as some friends of us put it on the past... it was not their parenting but the child (not all styles of parneting suit all children personalities)

cory · 05/11/2008 21:15

You don't want advice- you want a drink!

no doubt it will pass, or/and turn into something beautiful and valuable...but just for the moment- let me pour you another one

it's hard work, this child-rearing lark

pippylongstockings · 05/11/2008 21:17

Can only offer my sympathy - I too have read the spirited child book - but couldn't really grasp that it will really help my life. My DS1 is nearly 4 and much the same on the dressiing thing. If I try and help he takes off all his clothes to start again!

The other day thought we had it all sussed - only to find him naked about 1/2 hour after we got dressed because he had remembered that I had helped him get dressed and he had wanted to do it himself!

This one of a long line of 'spirited' behaviours.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 05/11/2008 21:18

How old is your DS memyson? DS#2 is 5 and has been like this for ....oh forever I am hoping that he grows out of it.

Thanks cory. I needed that

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 05/11/2008 21:20

ROFL at 'remembered' pippy! DS has a memory like an elephant too.

OP posts:

mou · 05/11/2008 21:35

You are not alone OrmIrian. Can't say much now but We are in the same position and in the short space I have been on here I have done many threads about my DS. I will do a summary of the advice I got over the next few days and do you a link.

My DS is 10 and we are now seeing CAMHS, I have a social worker support chappy and DS has a mentor...at the moment he is worse....!

I want to say something meaningful and insightful to change your life but would be acting on it if I had anything. After all this time I am learning more and more to accept he is challenging and love him for it, instead of despite it.

Hope you feel less alone and get some support and help.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 05/11/2008 21:36

Thanks mou

THat must be why you and I like running alone so much! Just to get away?

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mou · 05/11/2008 21:38

OH YES!! Orm...could run across the whole shire on angst some nights.

pippylongstockings · 05/11/2008 21:44

It's horrible when it's such a battle - and I feel like you, upset & annoyed that my DS2 doesn't get the same level of attention that my DS1 gets because of his difficult ways.

Now my DS2 has started saying things like 'I stay here' and just sits down when we are out on a walk or something just because it's something he hears his brother say. But DS2 is a lovley boy nothing like his brother was at the same age. DS1 started headbanging at about 20 months and it has been a battle ever since.

It has been calmer the last few days so no doubt about to change anyday now!

mou · 06/11/2008 01:09

Orm, I looked at my threads and a lot of it is stuff that like me, I suspect you may have tried. The sleep one in particular I am following up as apparently his sleep pattern is abnormal. ( not the only one there!). My DS is 10 so obviously my approach is a litle different but I have to say he has always been like this, but the rages started last year. (perhaps the drama lessons were a mistake!)

Reward schemes;, money, books, sweets.

Punishments. Removal of nice things, toys stopping television etc.

Refuse to argue, be firm and pick your battles.

Is he tired and therefore grumpy? (someone recommended a cranial osteopath re sleep issues)

Try and use humor to diffuse the situation.

Be icy cold, but calm.

Book- 1 2 3 magic.(?)

Ignore him. Make no eye contact.

Give him some simple choices.

Scream!

Going to try and get some sleep but will post again if I get a flash of inspiration.

Just keep running...

Original poster

OrmIrian · 06/11/2008 10:25

Thankyou. pippy - I think I have to be grateful that DS#2 is the youngest. At least it means that the other 2 got more attention when they were very little. Both of them have said things along the lines of 'it was nicer before DS#2 was here' even though they love him to bits and often do things for him. Have to say that DS#2 idolises his older brother - but even DS#1 can't seem to get him to do things he doesn't want to.

mou - thanks, we have tried all these things. At various times. I think consistency would be good but it's so hard (as you know) not to sometimes just yell or give in. When you have a heap of things to do, 2 other DC that need you, and it's the end of a long day. I keep just expecting him to 'snap out of it' and see the error of his ways and be the sort of rational child his siblings are. I think I may be waiting a looong time

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Luxmum · 06/11/2008 11:28

Hey, well my DS is alot younger - 3, but he acts up like this when he feels he is being ignored or overlooked in favour of his chilled, cute calm and easy-to-feed little brother.. It took me a while to realise he was just crying out for some me-time and hugs. We are on a much better level now that I make the effort.

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