Nursery friends and behaviour

[LilBitWorried]

Hello
My dd is 3.9 and attends pre-school since September. I have noticed that she is painfully shy and lacks confidence to join in although she sort of hovers around people she would like to play with. At the moment she wants to play with another little girl who avoids her now. I know they played together when they started but now the other girl joins another group and literally walks away and ignores dd when she tries to approach her in the mornings. It is very painful to watch her following the other girl around the room and I don't know what to say to her or how to encourage her to make different friends and stop insisting on that same girl again and again.
When I pick her up she is normally playing by herself or eating at the snack table, also by herself.
Any suggestions or ideas as to why this is happening and how to encourage more emotional independence? Thank you.

Can you invite some different kids round for a play, you caould speak to the staff and see what they suggest.

get some of the other children over, one at a time, for playdates.

Are there lots of big loud personalities? My DS was like this at pre-school, he's quiet, shy and likes to join in but not in a big RAA RAA, if you know what I mean?! He's now 6.5 and confident to get stuck in! He was a 'slow burn' on this front, he used to love to play by himself and still does on occasion. Perhaps she is enjoys pre-school on this level, being with other kids but not joining in? Have a chat with the staff.

Thanks clueless, I have a meeting next week with her key worker and will raise the issue. The thing is she has been perfectly fine in nursery, she made friends there, no problem. It's only in this pre-school place where they dump lots of kids in the room+garden with no structured play or anything that I notice she seems a bit lost and I fear she feels lonely. Everyone else is new too, so being new cannot be the only reason.
Maybe it is more like a school environment, but I am considering sending her back to a nursery where the grown ups still direct play a little bit more. I am not very happy with the place.

Pag, the playdates is a good idea, and I am sure she would love that.
Thanks caro, it's encouraging!

Lilbit your little girl sounds like mine. I have twin girls who are 3.3 and they are also much happier at their nursery than they are at pre-school. I think they also prefer the more structured play and having more direction from the adults.

At the pre-school they are the youngest in their year and there are a lot of much louder children who tend to run riot whilst the teachers just leave them to get on with it for a couple of hours. Which works well with some children but I don't think with mine at this stage.

I am lucky in that my girls can play together some of the time but when I've helped out there I've also noticed that they don't tend to join in with the very definite groups of children (mainly other little girls who naturally form groups).

Could you take her out for a bit and then send her back the term before school? I have a new baby on the way in January and am taking my girls out of the pre-school for the term and doing an extra nursery session instead. I don't feel they're really gaining that much from the pre-school and I'd rather just send them back for the summer term when they'll be a little bit older and when the actual preparation for school (ie going over to the school for visits etc) will all be really kicking in.

LBW

I did that with my DD when she was at nursery. I think children can often cling to one familiar child and feel less confident about approaching others. It did work really quickly and really well. She has lots of friends now aged 6 and learnt quickly that new friends are great.

Good luck

You've already covered my two suggestions, playdates and speaking to the staff.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that children of this age are quite often comfortable in their own company. It might not bother her as much as it does you. (It would break my heart too, we so want our children to make friends and fit in).

Try to arrange playdates with other children, she may be following the other girl around as she is familiar with her and the security that brings. Have their parents over for a cuppa too. Its quite young for independent playdates, and a good chance for you to meet the other parents.

Do try not to worry too much. It all gets easier

Thanks a lot everybody, it is very comforting to hear your experiences and suggestions.
Hattyyellow, that's exactly my observations regading dd behaviour. She is an only child so she is desperate to play with people her age, poor thing. But I think the environment is so different to the nursery she used to go to, she feels overwhelmed.

You said that the pre-school is not structured - could this be the problem? Perhaps your dd prefers a more 'formal' environment, where the staff organise activities instead of leaving the kids to decide everything themselves? Just a thought.

Yes, Manny, that's what's so different from her previous nursery. The pre-school is a jungle and I don't think she likes it.

Are there any other pre-schools in your area that have a more structured day? Or you could try a private nursery (they will take the vouchers) which would be very structured?

There is a private nursery, and I am going to see it next week. I made an appointment today.
We thought that taking her to the pre-school of the school she will to to next year would help, but it hasn't been a good idea :-(

Good luck with the private school.