Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

which type of nursery would you think is better for a very clingy 3yr old?

19 replies

vannah · 04/11/2008 12:53

hi,
Im debating between putting him in a playgroup for 2 mornings a week where I would have to stay to do a parent duty once a fortnight
or a standard nursery where parents are not involved and you just leave the child there for a couple of mornings/afternoons per week

he will be 3 and 3 months in january,
I have held off till now because he has been exceptionally clingy. He is a very bright child and he is petrified of me leaving him. HAve tried going to the toilet at mother/toddler group and he is in terror when i get back (do tell him where am going/back in minute) he doesnt scream or get angry its just a lot of silent tears and a look of terror on his face. I just feel so bad.

But he is also bored at home and I think the time has come to try...

thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

notnowbernard · 04/11/2008 12:59

DD1 went to a really lovely, small nursery that only took a max. of 16 children per session (am or pm) And they only took from 2y, no baby/toddler room. She wasn't a clingy child, but I just really liked the idea of a homely atmosphere. There were only 4 staff there and they all worked Mon-Fri. There was no huge turn-over of staff or agency use. DD1 loved it there

So I would investigate whether there are any small nurseries around (they are much less 'institutional') that might suit your ds better than a larger one. Or go down the playgroup route

FWIW, I think the majority of dc do settle into nursery eventually

juuule · 04/11/2008 13:07

I wouldn't send him at all yet, tbh.
Can't you go to activities with him? Under-5s storytimes, toddler groups, that sort of thing? So that he isn't bored and get used to the company of others.

scarletlilybug · 04/11/2008 13:13

I think it would be confusing for your son if you were there sometimes... but not others.

I second the idea of looking for a small preschool - some only take as few as 12 children. I think the more homely atmosphere might be better for your son.

francagoestohollywood · 04/11/2008 13:17

Choose a nursery with a reasonable "settling in" period (at least 10 days when you stay and then progressively leave the room/place for longer times). Here in Italy, where state ecole maternelle start at 3, they offer a settling in period that last anytime between 1 to 2 weeks. And it usually works very well.
Also "continuity" works better ime, I think 2 mornings a week are not enough for him to feel safe there, tbh.

Original poster

vannah · 05/11/2008 14:01

thanks everyone for these useful comments...

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 05/11/2008 14:46

This has been my expereince. I have a very clingy 3 yr-old and we've just taken her out of nursery and switched to a CM. It's vastly better for her - the most important thing is the continuity of care - one CM and not people who come and go in shifts etc (and very few children - not more than 4 although they go to groups all together). Check out the continuity of his carer at any nursery/group you are considering nursery.

If I didn't need to work, I would go with her to groups where the mums stay. I don't think she could cope with a playgroup where different people took turns helping to run it.

Smee · 05/11/2008 14:59

Depends on the nursery. Try and find one which doesn't mind you hanging around for as long as it takes. I found the important thing was for my son to forge a trusting relationship with another adult. I found a place that would agree to that and also let me stick around while that worked its way through in his head. It sounds counter intuitive in some ways, as you'd think they don't forge links with others if you're about, but I found my son relaxed because I was there and I'd promised him I wouldn't leave. Once secure he started enjoying himself and exploring a bit, which let the key worker step in and play with him. I didn't leave him until that relationship was clearly in place. Trouble is DS's nursery's v.unusual I know. I thought they were amazing, as they treated him as the individual he is, and could see he was an extreme case. My son did find it hard, but I think he would have done whenever I'd tried. Also, I knew leaving him with her was okay as I'd seen how brilliant she was with him, and knew how much he liked her. When we finally went for it, I used to linger in the hallway and see he'd stopped crying the minute I was out of sight. He's 4 now and I'm so proud of the way he stays without a fuss and he v. obviously gets loads out of it. I really think it'll help when he starts school in January, so if you can find the right place, it's worth persevering. If there isn't one, then don't.

Original poster

vannah · 06/11/2008 21:46

thankyou both. I will try to find a place where i can stay as long as possible...
interesting about the C M- i had similar thoughts...

OP posts:

Twinklemegan · 06/11/2008 21:56

I would definitely go for a small nursery where your DS will see the same staff every week. My DS has been going to his nursery since he was 18 months old. It was very difficult at first, but I can honestly say he has blossomed. He talks about the staff at home, and the other children, and he really loves going. He hasn't even cried when being dropped off for the past 3 months or so. He knows the staff and the children and he's very happy to be left. He's 2 yrs 3 months now.

I think if your DS has clingy tendencies then it's all the more important to ease him into a preschool environment before he has to go to school proper.

Twinklemegan · 06/11/2008 21:57

I should add that DS just goes for one full day and one half day a week. IME they will recommend at least 3 half day sessions as any less causes more problems with settling in.

Smee · 07/11/2008 13:59

meant to say, but my son found it so much easier when he found a friend. He paired up with another little boy and they were thick as thieves and it made it so much easier for him to accept being there. I'd try and find find kids/ parents who go to same nursery you chose and see them a bit outside to see if anybody becomes special for him. Definitely would make a huge difference if you can put that in place.

Twinklemegan · 07/11/2008 22:32

My DS has acquired many girlfriends which has definitely helped him settle in. "Leave the girls alone!" is what I heard when picking him up last Thursday. He's certainly got over his shyness lol.

Original poster

vannah · 09/11/2008 10:55

thats lovely! yes ive heard before that having a friend helps. He is v antisocial and prickly though...which im hoping is just a phase

OP posts:

Smee · 09/11/2008 18:18

bet it is. I used to despair. I think it was shyness, but he's over it now and mixes really well.

llareggub · 09/11/2008 18:23

I've no idea if this is normal but at the pres-school DS is due to attend, there is a parent and toddler group who meet once a week.

DS is due to start next Easter, and joins the nursery children for milk and biscuits and outdoor play. It has done wonders for me (and probably him too) to see him so happy interacting with the other children and to know what goes on there.

I'm sure we'll still have some setttling-in issues, but I suspect that it will be easier having spent nearly 6 months at the school, albeit once a week.

Podrick · 09/11/2008 18:35

If he is very clingy then in my opinion it would be unhelpful to send him to nursery or indeed anywhere unless you will be with him. If you hold off on sending him and give him the support he is telling you that he needs then he will become ready in his own time. If he is "unsociable" with his peers at 3 this is absolutely no reason to think this is how he will be later in life.

If you think he is bored at home could you take him out more / go to groups together?

colander · 09/11/2008 18:56

He sounds just like DD1

I took her for a taster session to two of our local nurseries (where I could stay with her), and went with the one she was happiest at (also the one I preferred). I was very lucky as it was a fantastic nursery, outstanding Ofsted etc. It was private, so I didn't have to do any sessions. They were fantastic with her, and DD2 is there now.

It's all very well to say keep him at home, but as a rising 5 he is going to have to go to school and I found it better for DD1 to get her over the separation anxiety in a group setting where there were 2 or 3 children to one teacher as opposed to 30 at school.

She has settled at school really well, I think mainly due to her positive start at nursery.

mrsgboring · 09/11/2008 19:10

I sympathise with the desire to do more different things. My DS has been on the usual (for round here) social whirl of toddler groups, singing etc. since he was a few months old but now it feels like he's growing out of most of the toddler activities, so I know it's not as easy as "just go to things with him yourself"

I would also say if you possibly can, wait on the nursery though - reason is, DS was like this. He came out of it a little bit younger than your DS, but it's a totally different kettle of fish thinking about leaving him now. The signs were after a while I realised I didn't have to be always playing with him at toddler groups. Then I could drift briefly out of sight. Now he will stay with friends for a little while - he cries at the prospect of it, but manages it really well when the time comes.

Now that he's out of his separation anxiety phase, it seems even more inconceivable for me to have forced the issue than it did do when he was in it, IYSWIM. A child who isn't ready just plain and simple isn't ready.

Can you build up a small network of playdate friends? I think this has been a huge help for us. It's a group of friends he's familiar with, and their houses. And when we get together, we organise "nurseryesque" activities such as painting, cooking and craft, so they get a bit of stimulation that way too.

Original poster

vannah · 10/11/2008 21:57

mrsb Im with you on looking out for the signs- have applied this to other things eg sleeping.
thanks everyone, really helpful read

OP posts:

Flip