Help : Need someone to coach me or I may just go mad

[Teawithtwosugars]

My daughter is 3.25 and has never been a great eater but recently the situation has degenerated and I sent her to bed tonight because I was so cross and had had enough.

She never eats veg or fruit (which I have found ways of dealing with) and I think if we would give it to her she would live on cheese and ham sandwiches.

I have tried reward charts, involving her in the prep and giving her choices at each mealtime. And here we are where at breakfast and dinner we battle.

She is no better at nursery and every day the chart says either 'ate very little' or 'ate nothing'.

Tonight I made one of her favorites so that we could all eat together, sausage, mash and gravy. In the time it took me and partner to polish off out whole meal she ate one piece of sausage. i asked her to eat her mash and she spent 10 mins roling it around her mouth. So I finally said spit it out you are going to bed.

She has also recently started to have accidents and not quite making it to the loo. I asked her if she was doing it on purpose or if it was an accident and with a grin on her face she said 'on purpose'. When I collected her from school she had had an accident.

I just can't see this ending happily and need to change what I am doing but I am at my wits end and can't see what I need to do.

Help

Does she have snacks or drink milk a lot?

She doesn't snack.

She does have milk but not loads. Prob two glasses of milk a day. One at breakfast and one at dinner.

Not sure if she gets one at Nursery School

i cant coach but can sympathise. My DDs are terrible eaters. They do snack though and tonight after yet another stressful dinnertime I announced no snacks except for fruit. Hmmm hope someone comes along who can maybe coach both of us.

Try not to make too big an issue out of it
Just say 'unless you eat one whole sausage and 2 spoonfuls of mash there is no pudding'

Mine just sit and sulk or have tantrums. Dinner does not get eaten.

how often does she poo?

If she has chronic constipation her appetite might be poor or non-existant. If she is constipated it might be why she is now having accidents as when the bowel is overloaded sensitivity is lost in the bladder and lots of accidents start to happen.

I have done that and it gets me nowhere. Infact this is kind of where it all started.

And tbh she rarely has pudding.

Problem is I am getting so angry about it. And so is my husband we are shouting and it just is not good.

Tonight she was sobbing in bed and I asked her why she was refusing to eat and she said 'Just becuase I am' again with a big grin. She then said she was sad at mealtimes.

I said I wanted mealtimes to be happy occasions and they were not happy and we needed to change what we were doing which meant her eating some of her tea

I am not sure if I am just expecting her to understand something she can't.

Also worried I am creating on of those people on recent tv series with extreme eating habits.

I agree with not making a big deal of it.

If you can eat as many meals as possible together, after a reasonable amount of time, ask if she's finished and take the plate away. There's nothing else. But that's OK with you.

Personally I would put it in the fridge, and if she was hungry later ask if she'd like to finish her lunch before anything else. Especially if she's asking for a biscuit or something. I'd say "sure you can. when you've had a bit more lunch".

When she does eat more, make a really big deal of what a good girl she is, and how well she is doing.

Food is one of the big issues, which gets us tied up in knots. All we want to do is nurture and nourish, and it really goes against the grain. But try not to worry, play it cool and see if there's any improvement.

HTH

I know it's hard - believe me, I know, as my 3 yr old son is also a fussy eater - but getting stressed out and punishing her will solve nothing. If anything, she just gets extra attention for not eating at the moment. I don't have any major advice - I try lots of different things with my DS, with small degrees of success - but the main thing I refuse to do is turn eating into a battleground. It won't help.

How much fluid does she drink btw? Change it to plain water only apart from her two cups of milk. The sweetness of juice can also affect appetite - even if it's sugar free.

And I expect you say "accidently or on purpose"? When you ask her as that is the traditional way to pose that question. IMO at her age she may just be saying the last part of the sentence as her reply.

If you do ask again reverse it and try "on purpose or accidently?" and I bet she says "accidently"!

Sorry gagarin I think our messages crossed.

I don't think she is consitipated, although she did suffer from this when she was little. And she does get one fruit juice a day (only way to get fruit in her!). But she does not get any dilutes. She gets water whenever she wants or is thirsty.

She does want treats when she eats well, so that is prob something I set up unwittingly.

Is there anyone who has managed to stay calm and had success?

I wouldn't mind if husband and I were fussy.

Putting meals in fridge has not worked for me since who does want to eat congealed spag bol etc?

Do you think there could be some 'button pressing' going on here? She knows how to wind you and DH up.

Perhaps that's not fair to think a 3 yo could be so manipulative, but IME they can go out of their way to wind us up (hoping that's not just my children!)

I have had a glass of wine at tea-time on occasion, and I'm not afraid to admit it!

Make sure you eat something yourself if you aren't all eating together so your blood-sugar isn't low and you aren't prone to being short-tempered.

i also agree....don't make a deal out of it at all. (it may be killing you inside, but agree with yourself to go with it for a week or so......)

give her just a little bit of food on her plate at each sitting...too much can look overwhelming.

give her stuff she is familiar with along with a spoon of something new which she may fancy...

try giving her non meal meals...like crackers with cheese and grapes and a biscuit.

right at this point i would forget getting in a balanced diet...i would just try anything to get the battle out of eating.

if she eats, praise her. if she doesn't, don't comment or push.

make it clear that this is food time..if she doesn't eat now, it'll be nothing until her next meal.

when you've finished eating or after a good while, ask her if she's had enough, say ok, and remove the food....

she won't allow herself to starve.

give her small rewards....f you eat a mouthful of each thing, you can have a sticker/new pencil i bought you/a treat...

i used to give my little boy minadex...its a vitamin type suppliment, but the iron in it acts as an appitite increaser (or something like that!!!) you could try that...

again, let the wetting go....it sounds to me like your little girl is craving attention from...you need to try and make it turn around, so that she gets lots of good attention from you for being good, not getting it whilst trying to control you.

good luck

oops...x posted with a hundred people!

I so agree with everyone who says ignore it - i really tried with my first son to do just that. One day I found myself forcing a spoon into his mouth so hard I left a bruise . I went to see the Health Visitor and she told me to give him the meal and then leave the room, but stay outside the door (in case of choking etc) or to stay in the room but read a book or eat my own meal. After 20 mins I was to come and take the plate away - saying nothing. If he asked for more snacks - he was told he could eat as much fresh fruit or vegetables as he liked - but NOTHING else. She told me children will not starve themselves. If he threw a tantrum, I put him in his room and sat against the door.

God it was so hard looking back but I did it and it worked after about 5 days. He got so hungry he had to eat. I meanwhile had put on about 5 stone through comfort eating and alcohol LOL

I really really sympathise but I used to get so angry I just hate to think what could have happened. I think as mothers we are programmed to feed and if they refuse it - it's really shocking.

Now he's 9 and will eat anything, and my 6 year old is picky picky lol but he does eat some veg and fruit.

GOOD LUCK!

how long would you give a 4 year old to eat their dinner?

if they're eating, then as long as it takes, but to leave a plate in front of a child who's not touching it???

2 hours?

i would say about 15 or 20 mins....

If she's having normal poos WHICH YOU SEE(well formed and soft and every day or two) then she must be eating enough?

So you can relax and follow all the good advice on this thread.

Chill

Don't discuss food

Offer the food

Eat with her every time

Only sit there for 15-30mins

Ask her if she's finished and throw it away!