I need strategies for DS (4.5) increasingly difficult behaviour

[FrightKnot]

DS started school this year and things seem to ahve gone really pear shaped since.

I know some of it is tiredness.

For e.g. today DS spent the morning with his grandparents which was fun for him.

This afetrnoon we had to go into town to do some essential jobs (paying cheques in etc)

I promised after we had done the boring stuff we would go to look for some shiny papaer he wanted for craft stuff.

While in a shop I bought him a snack, which he asked for.

We then went to a cafe for a drink and he hadn;t eaten all his snack. He asked if he could have it and I said not because we hadn;t bought it in the cafe, and explained why and that he could have it as soon as we were finished.

At this point he started being rude and hit me.

I took the snack away.

He then hit me again - and I'm not talking taps, I mean real thumps - so i said we would not now go to the craft shop, and we left and came home.

I was cross but trying to keep my calm to an extent so I didn;t completely lose control. We had already had a difficult moment earlier about running off in another shop.

But I know this will all happen again tomorrow, just like it has been for the last few weeks, on and off.

I feel really out of my depth with the hitting and defiance. In the past he has been fairly destractable etc.

Oh FK,, I feel so much for you. have many threads going along these lines about my Ds (10) and I swing between quiet confidence and abject hopelessness.

He has a mentor with whom he spent time today. He took him to Macdonalds. Had DS's friends down all afternoon and we were carving pumpkins tonight. He started being mean to his sister which I wouldn't tolerate and he had one of his violent rages and kept screaming that I am a miserable old cow. My not always very supportive H called him an idiot and things just got worse .

I tell myself DS doesn't mean it and he expresses his rage with me because he feels 'safe' with me ( which is what I have been told).

But I know how much it hurts FK and you really do have my every sympathy. If I had advice that worked I wouldn't be in this position but do know that staying as calm as you can manage is a massive start. I don't know if you feel to blame (I do),
but realistically you are not. Some children are just more emotionally expressive.

If you can get any support..health worker, teachers, helplines, go for it. Apart from anything you need it to get through what is a difficult and hurtful phase of being a mum. Try and do something for yourself as i found on top of other things my self esteem vanished. I took up running, cycling...went for a run tonight but couldn't run for crying and then twisted my ankle (bum).

It gets harder to deal with I think as you don't get time to recover from the last episode so you are not approaching the problem with a fresh mind so the support of friends and family is helpfull.

We moniter his food intake where we can as he reacts badly to E numbers, and too much sugar.
He is also bad when he is tired.

We use short messages like 'I don't like it when you hit me', 'that behaviour is not acceptable', and a series of rewards and privilage withdrawals to moderate effect. We have two pots of money. one is his and one is ours and he has 'fines' and 'awards' according to his behaviour, then gets the money on a particular day.

I don't know if any of this is helpful at all but I've just thrown loads of stuff in incase anything helps. Big hugs and support FK and I really hope it is a phase that he grows out of soon.

OOh Hammer, you sound like you're doing really well in a very difficult situation

My DS can be like this too at times. Although he does not usually hit/hurt others, he gets really frustrated and has huge shouting / tantrums, etc.
I just got the Spirited Child book recommended on here, and tears came to my eyes as I read the first paragraph - it is so my boy. I don't think it has any quick solutions, but it is giving me plenty to think about in terms of managing him.

And myself!

Thanks Mou...you sounds like you have your hands full.

FK
I only have a 2 year old, so not at this stage yet, but I crept out of the yurt to offer you love and support and to bump your thread

I should be full of good advice. Let me see.

Ds1 is my angry young man and it does go in phases.

We had a particularly hard one at 6ish. I'm not sure how well I handled it, but it did pass.

I do notice that when he is in a drawing phase he is often calmer.

Also, before he sold his playmobil I think acting out scenes with his little knights and pirates was a good thing. A sort of outlet.

Oh, and laughter. Laughter does him good. We read funny books together and also, he watches You've Been Framed, which I dislike for various reasons, but it makes him laugh so freely that I think it does him good.

And he has had phases of hitting and kicking me - it is horrid. You do just have to keep being firm and calm about it if you can.

Good luck!!

Hope you don't think I railroaded your thread...I shouldn't have posted when I was feeling emotional.