Am I a bad mother?!?! Massive tantrums from my 8yr old!

[Fimbles5]

My DS is almost 8yrs old and as any mum would I have done everything to bring him up to be polite and well mannered. So what have I done wrong?? He has the most awful tantrums at least once a day which escalate from something so trivial. Yesterday, his sister had a friend round to play and I can only suspect he was jealous. He was rude to the friend so in an attempt to remove him from the situation I calmly asked him to help me in the kitchen. Firstly he started crying (I chatted calmly to him and continued to make tea), then he started screaming, high-pitched uncontrollable screaming (again I tried to ignore this and talked calmly to him), then comes the abuse he shouts and 'mouths off' at me - usually with I hate you etc, This I cannot tolerate so I calmly sent him to his room to which he shouts No!! I then inform him that if he doesn't go to his room for time out then he will miss out on a day out today. He goes to his room where he continues to scream on and off until eventually the screaming changes to sobs and he tells me he loves me and that he is really sorry. Where does it all come from?? and please advise me how to deal with this and what I am doing so wrong as a Mummy to get this from him. P.s. He is not seeing his friend today as a result. Would you have done the same?? Thanks for reading. X

Is your DD older than your DS?

In a general sort of way, I think you need to be prepared to organise alternative entertainment for your DS (not just helping you in the kitchen) if his sister has a friend around.

No you are not a bad mum - my DS was just like this a year or so ago...I was just despairing! He was soooo unlikeable, and so horrid , sometimes. He would go ape, and try and trash his room if I sent him there. And the temper tantrum would just go on and on...there was no reasoning with him. Sigh. I feel your pain.
BUT it does get better- he is 9.5 now, and almost human again. He can still be a right mouthy little beast - being rude and uncooperative, but as long as I keep my cool, we can usually negotiate a way forward...
I kept thinking, OMG, where have I gone wrong?? but I think they just have so much energy and need a very constructive way to channel it. Mine was better when he was outside playing with his friends...
will say it again - it DOES get better, promise hang in there - and make sure you hug and snuggle him, even when you feel you don't want to.

You're NOT a bad mum!! And you're not alone.

I joined mn 2 months ago because I was having the exact same problem with my 8 yr old ds.

From everything I've read on here, it is just a phase they seem to go through at this age, although a very very trying and upsetting phase.

We tried everything with ds1, grounding, bans, taking away toys. The only thing that has worked so far, as strange as it may sound, is making him help me with housework.
When he starts a tantrum, I get him to start cleaning with me. It uses his energy, gives him some time to think, and I'm not pushing him away from me so he finds it easier to talk to me.

I think when we sent him to his room, he was screaming more through fustration. It's like having an 8 year old teenager, and I think they find it hard to explain how they feel.

Obviously every child is different, and I do think 'bad' behaviour needs to be dealt with, but giving our son the chance to explain why he fells like this and what he thinks would help has worked wonders.

Having said that, there are still times I could scream at him, but it's alot better.

Thankyou for your kind words. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I feel totally exhausted, I have read every book out for advice, and overall they all say to remain calm and in control. This I do, I speak quietly and calmly at his level, reasoning and asking him to talk to me. I hate to see him so wound up and frustrated. We also have tried taking toys away etc and praising the good behaviour (which I must stress there is plenty of. He has glowing reports from school and is well behaved when we are out - I know I should thank my lucky stars for that much). It is just so hard to hear someone whom you love so much say he wishes you weren't his Mummy. Sigh I hope you are all right and it is just a passing phase. Thankyou for listening X

Fimbles5, you could be talking about my son.

Noone believes dh & I when we say how badly behaved he can be, as he's a fantastic wee boy outside the house.

We also have a 6 yr old ds, and I'm dreading him hitting this phase as he is the most laid back, mildest mannered child ever.

And you know really, he would never want anyone else as his Mum. He loves you.

No, you are not a bad mother, I have threads going about exactly the same thing, my DS seems to thrive on conflict.

Take some reassurance that I have been told (professionally) they take it out on you because they feel completely safe in your love and that you are stong enough to contain their emotions...even if you don't feel like it.
You have my sympathy and support.

Hammou & Spookit - You have me in tears, thankyou so much. I do know he loves me, it is just difficult when he says otherwise. We are a close family and I so want him to feel that he can come and talk to me about anything. I totally understand that at 8yrs children have trouble expressing their feelings, but it worries me how much anger and frustration seems to build in these situations. He is normally such a loving, caring chap and it is awful to see him screaming and shouting out of control.

Ah hammou that's a very reassuring thing to be told. Thankyou for that

Fimble it is heartbreaking to see them so upset, but the support and love you're giving him will get him through it all, and we're all here for a shoulder to cry on when it gets too much.

I expect he was jealous that his sister had a friend round and he didn't. He probably felt bored and left out.

Mine would have been exactly the same at that age.

You might want to consider inviting a friend each, or doing a kidswap next time. I used to swap children all the time when mine were younger - they are always much happier with a friend the same age, and their sibling out of the way.

The best thing to do is to invite one child for one sibling, and arrange a playdate elsewhere for the other one IYSWIM.

Seven is still very small.