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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Mammy attachment/crying with daddy

15 replies

PembsLass · 24/10/2008 20:53

Hello

My four month old is happy to be fed, bathed and played with by daddy during the day, however when it comes to nap times or bedtimes she will only allow me to put her to sleep. If her father tries she screams until I come along. He does not actually do anything different from the way I do it.

I suspect this is entirely normal with a 4month old as I am the primary caregiver during week days as my husband works, however he is getting quite upset by this and says she doesn't 'know' him. My husband always wanted to take a very active role in our daughters upbringing and care and we share the care in the evenings and weekends.

Could you please reassure or share your experiences (so that I can show him this thread)

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Original poster

PembsLass · 24/10/2008 20:54

Sorry-she 'screams' is a very emotive phrase-she cries rather than screams but will not allow herself to be soothed by Daddy. She's not breastfed BTW

OP posts:

wessexghoul · 24/10/2008 20:56

Both of my dds were exactly the same, for quite a while. I can't remember exactly when they decided they were OK with daddy bathing and putting them to bed, but I think it was around 8 months, maybe even later.

I remember it upsetting dh quite a lot; he felt rejected and sad, but your dd will get over it in time. Both my dds adore their daddy now and they have a lovely relationship.

twentynine · 24/10/2008 20:56

She's picking up on the fact that he's terrified of upsetting her. She'll grow out of it, but including him in activities can help, so make sure he 'helps' with bathtime and gradually withdraw so she get used to him and he gets used to her.

moopymoo · 24/10/2008 20:57

We went through this with ds2 and my dh felt very pushed out at the time. It seems to be that they go through a vey clingy only mummy will do phase from time to time. Seemed to be a bit around teething here iirc. And i remember being fed up myself with it coz there was nothing that i would have liked more than to be having a nice bath whilst dh settled him. So in our house it is very normal and has very much passed with ds flinging himself at daddy at every opportunity. (hes 4 now so its all some time age, now its more a case of 'no you go, no i went last time..) hth

meandmyjoe · 24/10/2008 20:57

Very normal. She'll be the biggest daddies girl in a few years I would put money on it!Of course she wants mummy all the time, she was a part of you for so long and you are the person she is always with so it's totally natural. If she's happy to be fed/ bathed and played with by daddy then she clearly is comfortable with him and has an incredible bond with him. It's just that she's probably got in to a routine of you putting her to sleep and that's fine. It will pass. My ds went through stages of not wanting daddy to do anything at all for him. 14 months on and he's all over daddy, i feel like chopped liver!

Original poster

PembsLass · 24/10/2008 21:03

Thank you all so much for responding, it means a lot. I will show him this thread when he returns from Tescos. It breaks my heart to see him upset and I know that me telling him it's normal, doesn't really impact on his feelings of rejection but if he sees that it's the same all over maybe he'll be less worried,

xxx

OP posts:

hotbot · 24/10/2008 21:05

yes, happened to us also, of course dd now is such a dddaies girl. dh aslo felt so sad at being rejected, she really did sceam the place down if he picked her up and only stopped when handed back to me. on the plus side i really feel that he made extra efort to get over it and try to bond

sameagain · 24/10/2008 21:18

Treat yourself to a night out, which means you're not there at bedtime - I bet she settles for him if you're not there.

My DS1 was like this, but only if I was there, they (DS & DH) managed fine without me when they had to

Horton · 24/10/2008 21:21

My daughter's two and still like this if I am available. When I'm not here, she's fine with her dad. Don't worry about it. It's completely normal.

mytetherisending · 24/10/2008 21:21

Hi Pembslass, I had a similar situation with our dd2, bf so I always fed before bed and then she associated me with food. Once we weaned her onto some solids I got DH to do it as often as possible. She is now 7mths and lurves her daddy and will go to bed for both of us.
Does he feed her ff or EBM?
What do you do when she gets upset? If you give in and take her back from DH she will learn to cry about it every day. If she realises that crying makes no difference then she will adapt to him putting her to bed. He could try putting a towel over him that smells of you to start with and then gradually get her used to him without any props

phdlife · 24/10/2008 21:23

Mine wouldn't let dh put him to sleep or comfort him if he woke during the night. And when I was working one afternoon/week (ds aged about 6-8m) he would cry the entire time he was left with dh. Dh's morale very low.

But now ds is 18m, all I hear all day long is "Dadda, Dadda, Dadda!" It's the first thing he says in the morning and the only thing he's ever called out in his sleep.

So tell your dh to relax, it will come with time!

mytetherisending · 24/10/2008 21:26

sorry just seen your second post about not bf. TBH its more about familiarity at rest times than anything else, she probably finds your particular smell soothing iyswim.

pudding25 · 24/10/2008 21:51

Tell him that in a couple of yrs, she will go through a phase of only wanting daddy! That is what all my friend's little girls have done around the age of 2.5 -not looking forward to when dd (5.5 mths) does that.

i still put dd to bed as I bf her at bedtime. Because I usually bath her as DH is at work, she was not too keen on him bathing her at first. What we did was he started off just being in the room at bathtime. Then he washed her but I got her out. Then he washed and dried her but I dressed her. Then he did it all but with e being there. Maybe you could try something similar for bedtime with DH doing little stages at a time.

lauraloola · 24/10/2008 21:55

I could have written your thread! My 4 month old dd has started doing exactly the same! She screams her head off when dp puts her to bed but is an angel for me.

I have put it down to the fact that I put her down for all of her naps in the day so she associates me with that part of her routine.

Dp has now started just being in the room when I put her to bed to get her used to him being there so hopefully she will stop screaming

MommyHasaHeadache · 24/10/2008 21:58

We had the same problem with our LO (5.5 months old) until now. DH has just had the week off, and decided that in order to stop this only wanting mommy business he was going to spend the whole week with her; he has done all her feeds, changed her every nappy, done all the bedtime routines, woken up for her every night, and she is now fine being settled/fed/anything with him. SUCH a relief as it gets rather exhausting!

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