END OF TETHER with DS2, advice please

[DonutMum]

Hi All, I've got three sons, nearly 5, 3.5 and 3 months.

We've recently moved abroad and DS1 and DS2 are now in reception and nursery in the same school. Problem is that DS2's behaviour has got really bad and I think it's down to being "bullied" by DS1 who is not really a bully, just a typical 5 year old who wants to be in charge/the leader. All of this has culminated in DS2 not wanting to try new things, being a picky eater and, just an hour ago, weeing and pooing on the bathroom floor because his brother got to the toilet first. His nursery teacher says he is a very sweet boy but very up and down on the moods and says "can't" when he means "won't". Please give me some advice on dealing with this. It's so bad that I've considered sending DS1 back to live with my parents in the UK so I can look after DS2 properly. I know this is untenable, though, just an indicator of how worried i am.

DS3 is a dream by the way, so no worries there.

How long has it been going on? I normally find (I have 3 dc's, older now but with similar age gap and appalling behaviour phases) that things do get better after a while. Just when you think you are going to go totally crazy if something doesn't change then you realise that, actually for the last week things have been easier. It is probably much worse because you are under a lot of stress as well, in a new place without your normal supports. (sorry if I am making assumptions about you-just imagining how I would feel in the same situation) Both of them might be very unsettled at having moved and also picking up on your stress. I guess the impossible task of trying to be patient and riding it out is all you can do. (I would also try to find like minded parents to talk to and drink a lot of wine with!) I hope things get easier for you soon.

Should have added that I really do feel for you and will open a bottle of wine in sympathy.

Hiya Rosyslave, just about to open that bottle of wine for real! Hope it gets better soon, just got images of taking him to a behavioural psychologist etc etc if things don't get better soon. Am also v stressed and have laryngitis so everything prob seems much worse than it is. DH, bless him, has made both boys come and apologise to me this evening. And your assumptions are right - it's just me and the boys whereas at home my mum and dad were around too. Thanks for the good wishes.

When my ds was 5 I was convinced he had ADD and was going to grow up to be a wife beater among a range of other unpleasant things, he used to bite me and had the most dreadful fights with his sister, now he is 11 and, usually, lovely. Everything is much worse if you are ill, tired and stressed and you must be missing your family. Where are you living? Is it lovely and warm-it is raining and dark here!

We're in Bahrain. Just had another bad day but this time, DS1 has been a nightmare, pushing and shoving DS2. I stopped him going to football, took away the dvd player, put him in his room. Nothing seems to work - he just seems to "forget" what I've said. i can't bring myself to smack - the times I do it, i feel so terrible - a horrible out of control bully. He's not a bad boy and very good at school, but I just can't keep him occupied 100% of the time, which is really what he needs - he's very attention-needy, which is why he "bullies" DS2 and leads him astray. Anyway, off to the docs to get some antibiotics i hope to make me better asap.

Have you tried a star chart? I found it very difficult to use any kind of sanction, it didn't work, he just got more upset. He did like the idea of getting stars every time he managed to keep his temper in a difficult situation and then after 5 or 10 stars he got/earned something he wanted (which could be negotiated). It actually worked quite well for all of them for different things. I also found smacking totally useless - I felt as though I had failed and it didn't work at all, just made him feel outraged on top of everything else. I really hope things get easier soon, I regularly have periods when I feel totally desperate and out of control, and you are in a position where you can't go out and do the things that you would normally do to try and change a situation. One day at a time! (I lived in Bahrain in 1977/9! Early teens, remember it as lovely but probably just lots of sun and sea was enough, we use to go to Awali (sp?) for curry and swimming on a friday, Do the children go to st christophers? I hope it starts being fun soon)

Think I'll do the star chart and get him to earn enough to get the stuff back that I've confiscated. Difficult to get them out of the house at the moment cos it's still too hot for the baby, who really dislikes the heat.

They're at the British School and we go to the Dilmun Club on Fridays. It's mostly fun!

Hi DonutMum, hope today was OK.

Hi donutmum,

Unfortunately no great advice just wanted to tell you that IME (2 DDs same age/gap as yours) it is in situations where DD1 feels her position "threatened" by DD2 that she can get a bit bossy with her. She was fine while DD2 was still a baby, toddler, even in the same nursery (tho in different groups), but I remember her reaction the first time we went out onto nursery playground together and DD2 saw her friend there and wanted to go off and play instead of with DD1. She barged between them and frogmarched DD2 away from her friend, almost in tears, saying she had to play with her and not her friend, otherwise who was she (DD1) going to play with?
It's a sense of vulnerability, I think - the eldest has always been used up to now to being in charge and suddenly the little one is encroaching on that, taking away something that made the elder one "special".
Maybe once your DS2 gets to spend more time on his own and make his own friends (I take it they are in different groups) then he'll gain confidence.
At home I try to watch out for snatching, pushing, etc. and they are always told "We don't snatch/push/hit" - as a general rule, rather than as a specific criticism of behaviour against the other sibling IYSWIM (e.g. not "DD1 You mustn't hit DD2"). Aha and we have a potty in each toilet too for such situations Lots of cuddles for both sides come into things too!
Paradoxically I have found that asking DD1 to help DD2 has also been useful. E.g. switching the light on in her bedroom - DD1 can reach, DD2 can't. Or getting her to do up buttons at the back. Reaching spoons for both of them when LO can only reach the dishes, getting them to say thank you to each other as they would to adults and trying to police monitor situations where they are likely to snatch from each other and reminding them to ask first. These are just things off the top of my head - like you say, I am aware that DD1 isn't "naughty", just a bit insecure about this.
Hope things get better for you!

Hi there. I hope everything is going better now. I can sympathise completely. I moved abroad with my 5 year old twins 3 years ago. It took them at least a year to settle down after the move and we had all kinds of behaviour issues which we'd never had before.

All I can say is be patient and give the kids time. They've been through a stressful move and also watched you go through it and it's bound to have an effect. It may be a control thing. They've just been moved away from everything familiar without any say in it, maybe DS2 is trying to control the things he can i.e. his eating and refusing to do things. You could try giving him some control over little things - "Do you want to eat your carrots first or your peas?"

Coincidentally I also got laryngitis shortly after the move - it's horrid - hope you're feeling better soon.

Thanks. Have been on half term for the past two days and stuck in the house as too sick to go out. Anyway, have done the "lots of love and cuddles" approach and it's working - obviously the 100% attention helps. Good point on the "we don't do this" as opposed to "don't do that to DS2 or else". It makes it more democratic then. It's just time I guess but thanks for the tips and good to know it's not just me! The laryngisitis has been good in a way too, cos I can't shout and can now see that it doesn't help anyway.

hi
I dont know if u are still having problems but have heard of a company that helps with behavioural issues and parenting techniques make over experience.com? - you can get full info on mumsinbahrain.com
My little chap is also 'testing the boundries' right now so putting the 2nd baby on hold until it calms.......
cx