Nearly 5 yr old ds - competitive streak or behaviour problem?

[Lethal]

I am just wondering about a behavioural issue with my son and whether it's fairly normal or uncommon at his age - he will be 5 in July.

His pre-school teacher has told me that several times since the start of the year, ds has become upset when he doesn't get something that he wants, such as being chosen as a 'leader' or being given first choice over something. In his music class he's reacted several times over not being chosen by the teacher to do a certain activity/play a certain instrument, and today another teacher said he became upset when she didn't give him first choice of a pile of storybooks. I know they try to be fair and give all the children a go, so I doubt there's any unfairness going on. Apparently he wailed that he didn't want to be 'last', so she said "well you can be in the middle", but this wasn't good enough for him - he wanted to be first. She also said that sometimes he will still go and just take something from another child, despite being told that he must wait his turn.

I don't think this is done with any kind of malice as he's also a big-hearted child and very affectionate, but it's like he just can't get it through his head. I've told him over and over that there are 25 other kids in his class, and he must WAIT his turn. I've also explained that he can't ALWAYS be chosen to do something, that all the other kids must also have a turn and it can't always be him. I don't understand why it's taking so long to get through to him, and whether I've got someone rather competitive on my hands or whether he's just a bit spoilt Dh and I definitely don't give him everything he wants, I do say "no" to him quite often, although his grandparents do indulge him quite a lot. I don't know whether this is simply his personality, or a bit of a behaviour problem. Has anyone else experienced this with their children?

It may just be down to him being one of the youngest in the class. Some of his classmates will be almost a year older than he is.

My ds1 has problems with sharing, not being first etc. This is partly due to his autism but also due to his age. He too will be 5 in the summer.

Lots of young children find taking turns and sharing difficult. With my 2 children (4 1/2 and 6) I sometimes get so fed up with each of them wanting to be first on the walk up to school that i make them walk behind me in joint last place

Lethal, my DS is exactly the same. He'll be 5 at the end of March. He gets so upset if he doesn't win, even the silliest of races - first to brush teeth, finish breakfast etc. We consistantly tell him that if he always wins then there is no point in anyone else playing because it's no fun. He is getting marginally better but I think it's an age thing really, he cousin was just the same and didn't get any better until he was about 7.

Albert, sounds like my ds too - he wants to be the first to finish dinner & if we're walking somewhere, he has to get there first. Even when I was chewing my food this morning, he's watching me and saying "You're winning mummy". !!!

Oh by the way, my ds is an only child, do you think this has something to do with it?!

Perhaps it is an immaturity thing, but if it's quite normal behaviour, then I'm not sure why his teacher is alerting me to it..? He's not exactly being destructive or aggressive, so I don't know why she has mentioned it to me a few times now. Obviously it must be causing some sort of problem if she's wanting to let me know about it. Maybe he does it more than other children she's come across in the past, who knows... I'm just not sure what else I can do about it, except keep trying to talk to him and hope he grows out of it. I feel as though she thinks the behaviour might be slightly out of the bounds of 'normal' - I'm not sure.

I used to look after some kids, as a mother's help and they all did it!
It was very difficult when we had one of 4 and one of 6 and they both wanted to "win" at everything (eating dinner especially)
The little girl (4 yrs) was AWFUL, and we'd have the most terrific tantrums if she hadn't won, and she would be trying to take everyone else's fork away if she thought they would eat faster than her!

She is the youngest of 6, so I don't think it's an only child thing... it does seem to be something that all kids go through.

I think it's typical for that age - I read an article about it saying not to worry and that it's all about them building their confidence and self-esteem. Obviously, sometimes it can go too far. My ds (five in June) is the same. The thing is, no matter how much effort I spend in trying to get him to respect others and give them their turn, there's always someone else who doesn't - and that brings us back to square one. It's probably to do with them finding their place in a large group. Ds was, and still is, very good with sharing in a small group with one or two friends, but totally different in a large one. I feel helpless about this thing a lot of the time - ds was terrible at the beginning of the school year, then it got better, and now it's pretty bad again, probably because I'm due to give birth soon and that's affecting him.
But at least I know it does get better!

Vess - your comment that 'ds was, and still is, very good with sharing in a small group with one or two friends, but totally different in a large one.' is my son EXACTLY. How does your son's teacher deal with it, does she talk to you about his behaviour & try to suggest strategies to improve it?

I was telling ds' teacher last week that we really don't have many problems with him at home, because when he's with a couple of kids (or a small group in a very casual setting) he's much better, and shares very well. It's the big, structured, classroom situation that he seems to find difficult when it comes to taking turns/waiting/sharing toys. He seems to feel that if he's not chosen for something, that he's somehow being punished or 'losing out'. I'm trying really hard to get it through to him that this isn't the case, but I don't know what else his teacher expects me to do. I would've thought they deal with this kind of thing on a regular basis. Perhaps they find my ds a little bit more 'resistant' than others, or maybe that he's a little immature for his age or something. I suppose all I can do is keep trying to talk to him about it, but it's difficult isn't it.

Hello. My ds is 3 and a half, and exactly like this. Fine with us and in a small group, and has always been really good at sharing as far as I can see. But his nursery teacher pulled me aside to say that they're concerned about his behaviour as apparently at nursery he acts like he wants to be the first to do, play, pick up, eat everything, and can be a bit pushy and shovey about it occassionally - grabbing toys that another child has picked up and so on. The teacher suggested that we avoid any kind of play along the lines of 'who's going to be the first to get their shoes on' etc, and other games that involve trying to be first, or the winner. It makes sense. I'm going to try it.

Magnetscratcher - this thread is 4 years old, so you may not get any response from the original contributors .

Would be interesting to find out what the answer to her question was though. Is he still like that or has he grown out of it?

Lethal "I'm not sure why his teacher is alerting me to it.? "
I would ask her outright if she thinks there is more to it - ie: behaviour problem. Or does she just want you know he's a bit emotional at the moment in case he tells you about getting upset at school ?. Teachers are not the experts in behavioral conditions, but do see many different kind of children and are usually quite good at spotting 'unusual' behaviour. It will put your mind at rest

Thanks Littlefish! I'm new to this..