Have I made a mistake by staying at home with ds?

[KleineMaus]

I'm a sahm of 2 yr old ds who's pretty clingy, and I'm starting to wonder if I've actually done him a disservice by staying at home with him rather than going back to work and having him in nursery. Until very recently we lived quite far from family and he was never left with anyone else. This also meant he didn't see his cousins much either and although we went to a toddler group he didn't have a lot of close contact with other kids. At the moment when I go and visit my parents he follows me around, hanging on to my skirt, and even though we see them at least once a week, it always takes him ages to be happy around them every time. I have the option to send him to playgroup a few mornings a week, which might help, but I'm not sure if he's ready for it. I think he would scream the place down if I left him. I also find I worry about whether I've done him out of fun at nursery as although I spend a lot of time with him, there's not much in the way of activities going on here, I don't know what to do with him for ten hours a day sometimes, but maybe that's another thread...

Mrsgboring, I completely agree.

I've SAh with all three of mine and my dd1 (youngest) is the most clingy and demanding and bratty.....she's lovely though!

btw kleinemaus, didn't mean to imply you had made a mistake with your child - just that so many things are at play when they develop their personalities

how do you feel about being with him all day?

There is not a shred of research anywhere that says that it is a bad thing for a small child to be spending most of their time in one-to-one care and enjoying an intense bond with one adult (his mum? Great!). Do NOT feel you have done the 'wrong thing'. Your little one may well enjoy a few mornings at nursery...or may not be ready. Your call. But rest assured - some time in the future, he will be ready for a bit more independence from you. This is a developmental stage.

I think that's ok for age 2, but its really important to socialise more because he'll need to know how to interact with other kids and without you when he goes to school.

Playgroups are great for extending his independence from you, but if he doesn't interact much with the other kids - perfectly normal esp if he's used to just being with you - you need to help him learn to make friends. This is a LIFE SKILL he will be grateful for. At that age get down with him and another kid who's doing something fun or you think seems nice, and ask the child their name. Say hi, tell them your kids name, maybe ask yours to say hi, and them ask if they can play together. It doesn't always work, but stick with it, stay involved in helping them play. Work at it.

i digress, but i think its really important to make and effort with and learn to interact with your child's friends. I see this a the key to keeping your kids on the right track as a teen.

I wonder how social you are - which is ok, but we all know about modeling behaviour. So also work with the mums, if its out of your comfort zone that's ok - it gets easier. You can say you want yours to have new friends. Mostly people are up for that. Eventually try and arrange to meet up if you click. When the kids are a bit older you can do things like have playdates without the mums - which'll give you a break.

This is a long rant - soz, but finally SAHM is not about just the two of you in a bubble - how boring. You need to work at giving him a wide range of experience and skills, and to keep it interesting for yourself, it doesn't just have to be kiddy stuff but Mummy missions too. I've been doing it for 5 years, but I must confess I think it is healthy all around to head towards having a little time apart.

There is no rush! He's only two, he is very young. They all develop at different rates and I am sure that soon he will play better with other kids. Playgroups are great, it is important for him to play with other kids.

I hope that I don't cause any offence here, but I am from a different country and kids start school at 6 yo, and I think that children here start school very early and many go to pre-school as well, and a lot of independence is expected from very young children. At nursery, children have a lot of attention especially the younger ones. Good nurseries can deal with cligny children. But that's not going to improve their outcome at school, or make them more ready for school. One of my friend's daughter is having real problems settling at school, and she's been going to nursery since she was 6 months old.

Totally agree with you@Blueberry

I'm in agreement Blu

Agree with the others - there is nothing whatsoever wrong with being a SAHM. You have not caused your child's clinginess - he'd be clingy if you sent him to nursery, too, and then you'd be posting messages here asking whether you going back to work and putting him in nursery had made him insecure...

I also agree that your children do model your behaviour to a certain extent, so you should be sociable around them and show them what pleasure friends can bring - eg by inviting friends over who have children your son's age, so that he can get used to being around other children and see you enjoying other peoples' company at the same time(not always as enjoyable as you'd like, admittedly - my two still whine and ask me when I'm "going to stop talking to that woman"!). What you don't have to do is literally leave your child with other children at this age - there's no harm in you being there, too, even if he doesn't want to leave your side. From my experience, if you leave he's not likely to be any more sociable with other children just because you're not there, he's more likely just to find another adult figure and hang around them...

I worried a lot about my eldest son's social skills when he was little, but nothing I could do would change the way he was, and even after two years at pre-school, from the age of 2 and a half, starting 2 mornings and ending up at 4 mornings a week, he still wouldn't really play with the other children unless asked to do something specific with someone else. He spent a lot of time with his teachers, though! He also used to say that I was his best friend and he didn't like anyone else. He's just started reception this September and already has a best friend other than Mummy and comes out beaming. He just was not ready to be sociable with other children before this point, and me pushing him to be, as though there was something wrong with him to be the way he was, was not helpful. And in retrospect, I don't know why I thought it was so healthy for him to join in with the pushing, shoving and total lack of sharing that most 2-year olds indulge in, rather than wait until other children his age behaved in a slightly more reasonable fashion.

Kleinemaus, my situation is similar to yours (in not having family help or working out of home so I'm with ds almost all the time). He went through a clingy stage just before he turned two and didn't want to be left with anyone even when there was the opportunity. But now he's 27 months and suddenly much less clingy. I recently visited my family and left him with my best friend (who he hardly knew) for a few hours while I went to a cousin's 30th. I thought it would be a bit traumatic but he wasn't bothered at all and had a great time with her. Even she was surprised how happy he was, and she's worked in childcare. So don't despair now, things can change very quickly.

Also, ds is just now starting to get interested in other children, but he prefers them to be a bit older, 3 or up. He just chases around after them and tries to copy them but I feel that he gets more out of this then he does with other 2 year olds who are just all snatching things and pushing. For example, I take him to the pool once a week and there is a 3 year old he really like there and it has improved his water confidence hugely because he is trying to copy the 3 yo and keep up with him.