DS2 has now invaded DS1's last sanctuary - Nursery. All hell has broken loose. Any ideas?

[forevared]

I feel like I'm always on here asking for advice and here's another question.

DS1 has accepted the arrival of DS2 pretty well, he loves him, is gentle with him and his behaviour towards him is great. His behaviour with us however, is different. He's regressed a bit which we half expected, and there have been various other things he does but we can deal with most things. However, I'm due back at work in 2 weeks so DS2 is about to start nursery. So last week I took him along and spent a couple of hours with him there (didn't let DS1 see me) and then on Friday left DS2 there for a couple of hours.

Since then DS1 has been pretty horrible over the weekend to me. He's always been a daddy's boy if both of us are around, but it seems to have intensified. He's become MUCH more bossy than usual, quite often blanks me when I talk to him, but then wants picking up or attention of some other sort as soon as I start to do something baby related (make bottles up, change nappies etc). I've really tried to devote equal time to both of them, and both encouraged DS1 to join in when doing 'baby' things or have left him to his own devices in case he prefers that.

I know it's all related to DS2 starting nursery there and I feel terrible as it's his last place that DS2 hasn't invaded. As if that's not bad enough DS2 is going to get fussed over by the staff there. I'm sure he'll eventually get used to it but I really want to help him cope with it and also re-establish a better relationship with him at home. At the moment it's horrible.

How old are the boys? Are they in the same class? I thinks it'll be hard for the older one at first, but he sounds like he loves his new brother. He will take out his frustrations on you, as you are the closest person to him.
Would it be possible to get a baby sitter, say once a week to go out with him on your own and spend some quality time with him?
You could ask the nursery staff to be sensitive to his feelings, and not coo over the baby too much. Tell them of your concerns, I'm sure they'll do all they can to help.

I don't actually think irs necessarily related to your ds2 at all. Everything you've mentioned can just be symptoms of a toddler being a toddler. This will pass. I rember thinking that I'd 'broken' dd1 because she was so stroppy! I hadn't, she grew and changed and so it goes on. It sounds like you are handling ds1 very well. Just try not to take it peronally and wait for the wind to change.

We live way out in the sticks and it takes 20 minutes to get to our nearest town, so trying to find a babysitter has been pretty much impossible. There aren't any old enough kids in the village to ask and all our family live several hours drive away.

I'll be working 4 days a week and have considered taking DS1 out of nursery every so often (on his own) to spend a day just with him and do something special. However, it's the day to day stuff we're finding hard to manage at the moment.

For the first time yesterday evening we used the 'naughty step' and it seemed to work wonders, I'm now wondering if we've been to easy on him and not provided enough boundaries for him. I hate to think of him feeling out of control and we've not picked up on it.

By the way, DS1 is 2.9 and DS2 is 6 months Thank you both for your kind words!

We have a similar gap but are earlier on - DD is only 5 weeks. What we have found works well (and have tried a lot of things!) is to really emphasise how grown up DS is and how many things he can do that DD cant as she is a baby. Basically we have stuck the words "big boy" on the front of everything - so he now has "big boy sandwiches" "big boy toys" etc. If DD is having something baby related done like a cuddle to sleep we emphasise how its for babies not big boys (and how being a boy is so much more fun). He seems to have really bought it and it coping well. We also get him to help with anything baby related such as changing nappies as we "need" his "big boy help" etc.

I think - hope - its making him feel special and part of everything.

We tried this too but if anything it's made him regress more! He now wants all the baby stuff again, being carried all the time, bottles, even baby food.

We've stopped trying to get him to help us in case he can't deal with the responsibility, but have carried on with the idea of all the fun things big boys can do and emphasise all the things babies can't do.

Have to say though, this naughty step idea is great. By being a bit more strict and providing better boundaries he's been a lot happier. I think he's just one of those that likes rules and regulations. By being softer on him thinking that would help with the transition we've actually made things worse.