Dad works away and ds not wanting to talk on the phone. Upsetting dh

[barnsleybelle]

Can anyone in a similar situation advise.
Dh works in Africa 8-10 weeks at a time and comes home for 3 weeks.
Dh has done this since ds was 3... he's now 6.
In the past ds has always missed dad very much.. had teary days and talked non stop on the phone, wanting to ring him to tell him every little thing.

Since dh went back 6 weeks ago ds never talks about him, not interested in phoning him and just giving "yes" and "no" answers when dad calls. When i ask if he's missing dad he says "no, i'm fine". The thing is, he seems fine. He's joined a football team in the last 6 weeks and never seems bothered about the fact that other dads are there, which in the past would have caused tears. When they win and he plays well, he never wants to call his dad.. He won man of match today and when i said should we phone dad he said "no it's ok mum". When dh did call later ds never even mentioned it and just gave yes and no answers.

What i'm wondering is, could it just be that ds is growing up and getting used to dad being away, or could their relationship be starting to suffer.

Dh finds it very upsetting at this turnaround in ds.

Have experienced something similar - I would recommend Skype and webcams as much more natural.

The first thought that came into my mind is - is your DS angry with his daddy going away - again!!!? Just a thought! He's only 6 which is still very young, has he got a special toy? Would it be worth asking his toy ow it is feeling about his dad being away. DD is 5 and she has a special penguin called Poppy, Poppy tells us alot of stuff IYSWIM

When DH went away it was really difficult to get DD on the phone. DH invented this story about a hamster that lived outside his tent. Got DD on the phone every time. First talking about the hamster and the on to the more serious stuff like what she had been up to, school etc.

Not sure if any of that helps but I hope so, its heartbreaking when this kind of thing happens.

It can be really hard for little ones to talk on the phone because they don't always deal well with 'direct' conversations. DS talks about school in bits and pieces over the course of an evening, so some bits come out on the way to the post box, others in the bath, etc. Having to sustain a conversation with no distractions can be quite demanding.

I like Aliens idea about the story - a nice lighthearted touch.

Thanks for your replies.

Roquefort.... great idea, will get onto it, can't believe dh never thought of it!

Aliens.... He could be angry i suppose but i have asked him and he says not. He is very open with me so i think he would say. the toy is a good idea but dc is kind of 6 going on 12 if you know what i mean! The hamster thing is a fantastic plan... Dc is animal mad so dh could easy start with something like that... (it would have to be a leopard or other wild cat though!!!).

lol DD is easily pleased! The "hamster" ended up coming home with him (queue a swift visit to the pet shop on the morning DH was due home ) not sure your DH will be able to do that if you go down the wild cat route

that would be cue not queue!!!!

Slayer... Your right about the school thing, it takes ds ages to get a full days events out... I suppose what's the most upsetting is the change. He used to ask to phone dad about anything good that happened, and now he actually doesn't want to.

Aliens... I can't stop smiling at the thought of Ds's face if i asked him if teddy was angry at dad going away!!!! He would look at me like i'd dropped from mars!!!

How sweet about the hamster, really good idea..

My nephew has been in this situation since he was born as his Dad lives away. I remember him at the same age telling his Mum that 'if I talk to Daddy it only makes me more sad'

is he ok talking to other people on the phone?

I have always had difficulty talking to close friends and some family - I can do OH, my mum and one SIL but absolutely cannot call my grandparents and a lot of my friends - it is to do with not being able to see their body language and it is quite restrictive.

I agree with other posters that this sounds more like an anger/distress reaction (distancing his dad so it isn't so painful when he is away)and would echo their advice but just a thought. Does he routinely call other family etc for a chat or is calling daddy a special thing?

Been busy today, thanks for your replies.

It is dh's birthday today so i suggested we phone and sing happy birthday. We did and then they had a lovely long chat, which delighted dh.

I had a talk with ds today myself to try and get to the bottom of it, and after loooots of gentle probing he said that he doesn't feel like it's his dad when he talks on the phone. Bless him. i explained how hard it is for dad away and how he misses us all and loves to hear about the things we have done. He seemed to get it. I did ask if he felt a bit cross with dad for being away and he said "not at all, because i know daddy does not go away because he wants to, it's not daddy's fault".

Unmadam... ds would never call family members to chat, unless it's to ask for something!!! Thinking about it too, when he sleeps at Grandma's and i ring to see what he's been doing all day he's very monosyllabic. Maybe it's just his thing..

I thank you for all your words and am happy for any advice you may have.

Aliens... Dh is starting the leopard story tomorrow!

Oh well done, barnsley, for talking to him. You know, I can relate to that. Dh and I were engaged for 10 years before we married and for most of it lived in different countries. Even as a young adult, I felt like your son, that it wasn't really him on the phone. We ended up writing to each other instead of phoning because it was less hurtful.

Cory...