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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

HELP PLEASE DD10yrs old is stealing from us

15 replies

winnieswoopsie · 09/10/2008 11:58

Im at my wits end,dd keeps taking money,not a lot a pound or so here and there,mainly from me,dad her older sister etc and more recently from the aupair. im so upset,i have shouted,this was after being understanding had no effect.We have even taken her for a chat with the police,didnt work,she did it again, another chat with a much scarier police man.This was only last week but now another pound has gone. Im heartbroken,i feel like the worst parent in the world and im sure im dealing with it all wrong.
She just buys sweets with the money,she doesnt really attempt to hide it but will lie like crazy swearing she has not done it but then all the wrappers are in her bag and so is the change.
Im sure a lot of it is attention seeking,but i dont know how to deal with it,my eldest would never steal and i just keep sobbing and have a sick feeling the whole time.We have made her do extra chores to pay it back,stopped treats like going to parties,sleepovers etc,she cries a lot when confronted but just keeps repeating her behaviour

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ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:12

We had this. Am surprised the police chat didn't scare her off though.

I think best way is to make it Very Clear that it cannot be tolerated.

Then say 'You clearly feel you need more money than you've got?' Then set up a way for her to MAKE money. Nothing heavy. You could give her 20p when she empties the dishwasher, 40p when she does the hoovering.

Make a chart. Put it up in the kitchen. Say to her 'I'm not going to nag at you to do these things. You do it when you want the money for something, okay? Write it down here what you did, and I'll pay you for it.' Make it a deal, make her feel good about it.

it is horrid when it happens and makes you feel awful, but i do think it is a phase type thing, and doesn't meant they are criminally inclined - ds1 used to pick up money around the house all the time. I think it is attention seeking, and also a bit thrilling and a bit 'I'm cleverer than you because i can take this, and you won't know.'

Give access to worked for funds - even if more than you end up giving more than you would normally. Don't leave change hanging about - unless she's getting in your purse, then you'd better remove that out of harms way.It worked for us.

ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:14

The chart thing sort of wipes the slate clean too.

Stop the punishing, you've done that.

Attack the cause of the crime!

Anna8888 · 09/10/2008 12:16

Do you give her any pocket money? Does she have any other way of getting money for herself?

majeika · 09/10/2008 12:18

great advice there 100!

ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:21

Learnt from bitter experience though M!

The other thing I meant to say was - try not to get side-tracked down the 'why do you do it? It's so dreadful. You are a morally suspect person, OMG I haven't brought you up like this. OMG you have no idea how lucky you are, and yet you stoop so low' road. I did. I think it's natural but it only feeds their sense of 'badness' iyswim.

Much better to stop all that. Give them a way out - with the working for funds.

ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:24

Oh [and this will be my last post!] I also think it is a self-esteem thing. I really do. I think they big themselves up by doing it in some weird slightly twisted way.

The chart and the funds and the fact it is a deal which you shake on, and approve of. Also attacks the self-esteem thing in a way.

Original poster

winnieswoopsie · 09/10/2008 12:31

Thanks,she does get £3 a week,but blows it in seconds.I do get her to do chores,the chart is a good idea,she loves charts,she is a very young 10.I feel its my fault though as we moved her school(the middle school she would have gone on to is awful and where her older dd was bullied and beaten)just before i had ds now age 2,so she left all her friends and got ousted as the baby of the family all at once,then we moved house to another town a year later.She has always stolen food,she will eat every yoghurt in the house and hide the container behind the sofa,i ask her why not just put the wrapper in the bin? but she just shrugs and says she will get told off for eating them(which she does after the 8th one has gone that day) but she gets in more trouble when i find masses of wrappers going smelly hidden all over the place. The money thing has been happening since she started going to school by herself,i dont know if its as she now has oppertunity to buy without being seen or if its a symptom of going to school on her own and its something i shouldnt let her do.

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Anna8888 · 09/10/2008 12:34

Ah, so the taking things that are not hers for the taking (and not even hiding her tracks) goes beyond money?

She sounds very immature.

Have you thought of getting some therapy for her to help her mature her thoughts a little?

ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:36

Oh it's tricky isn't it. I do sympathize. DS1 was doing it when he was about 9/10 and did coincide with a time when he was quite unhappy at school. I took it as a sign of unhappiness in a way -because he knew it was wrong, and it was almost as though he was being defiantly wrong if that makes sense.

The chart is good, and moves you both on to a more positive footing.

It's not your fault. But it might be a warning signal that she's a bit unhappy and feeling needy for money or food or something.

Perhaps try and address that too at the same time? Find a time to have together, do something nice, talk to her etc.

It might be a call for help and attention - it's just done badly. Don't be distracted by how it has been done, but listen to the fact she's calling?

Original poster

winnieswoopsie · 09/10/2008 12:37

Oh yes i did go down that how could you do that road and felt awful when she kept asking if i still loved her,explained loved her,hated the behaviour but ended up in tears that she was in such a state.I hate not trusting my own child and someone only has to say " i cant find my...." and i start thinking she has taken it and im practically hyperventilating with the thought that she has done it again.
Am i over reacting?DH is just as worried as me,he works away a lot so i do most of the discipline and a friend told me im obviously not a very good parent then.

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ahundredtimes · 09/10/2008 12:44

Bollocks to your friend.

Of course you are a good parent. I think it is the WORST thing in the world when it happens, and you feel as though you haven't done a good job and your child is suspect. It is HORRID and makes you feel v. ashamed.

But I do think that it is a call for help, and that she is young and feeling a bit lost perhaps, and so needs to either do something baaad because she feels bad or to do it because she is finding comfort in sweets.

Don't beat yourself up, or her.

Move on. Accept that she's unhappy, discuss this with her, give her the chart as a way out, do lots of positive reinforcement and try to bolster her self esteem

MadameOvary · 09/10/2008 12:57

I used to steal when I was your DD's age. It was initially learned from my brother who had behavioural problems. It went on for years and only stopped when I saw a child psychologist who was brilliant. Looking back, my Mum was ill and my Dad emotionally distant, it was a no-brainer really!
After I couldnt have stolen anything, even if it was right in front of me with no chance of getting caught. I knew it was wrong and no longer wanted to. I just didnt want to be that person anymore.
So I would definitely advocate therapy. Good luck. X

bigTillyMint · 09/10/2008 13:01

What kind of a friend calls you a bad parent? All our DC do the wrong things at times, it doesn't automatically make you a bad parent.

Do you think there might be any reason that she is unhappy at all? The food "stealing" as well as money... I also is a call for help - have you been to talk to the GP (are they the listening, sympathetic type?) or school to maybe get a referral on for some outside help?

Original poster

winnieswoopsie · 09/10/2008 13:37

Thanks all, for the advice, your very kind,i have just been making up a chart.I think i would like her to see someone but not really sure how to go about it,moneys tight at the mo and was not quite sure what to say to a gp,but i think i will give them a call,only seen them once and they seemed ok,knew last gp loads better though.
All i can say,if she is doing it for attention its working,seem to have spent months worrying about her.

OP posts:

NannyNanny · 09/10/2008 14:50

Hi, I had the same problem with one of the children I looked after. She had been stealing money from her parents and sister and then from me.
She was 10 at the time and definately understood the value of what she was taking.
I sat her down and without getting angry (it was hard), explained the situation that she had then left me in.
I had £40.
£10 was to go on travel. £15 on food at college for the week.
£5 for a book I needed and £10 for a birthday present for my mum.
She had taken £10. I then explained because she had taken it, I would either have to not get a present for my mum, or the book for my class etc.
She got the message after that.

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