Embarrased by DS. I fear the school gates. ADVICE PLS

[ChocFudgeCake]

As said above, I fear dropping/picking up DS (4, reception class). He is very boisterous and plays rough. So sometimes other kids come and tell me "X pushed me today" or "X is naughty". I feel terrible . The other day a mum came to me and said DS had kicked her DD in the nose Apparently the girl first though it was another boy, then she concluded it was DS. I cannot be sure it was him. Nevertheless I apologized. And tried to speak to DS (he couldn't remember as days had gone by), I asked him about the girl's nose and he pointed to his own which had a mark too. That's the other thing, he very often comes with bruises, but I just let it pass because I think it must be the way he plays, but I see other parents complaining every time their child comes out with a mark.

The teacher says that he doesn't do it to hurt others, that he is just playing, but the result is the same

SO the question is what do I do to make him considerate and gentle???

A very difficult one. Is he doing full days yet? Is he tire? Maybe a return to half days might be appropriate?
Is this all happening at break/lunchtime? At DS's school the lunchtime supervisors are great and organise games for the children and are quite pro-active. i think this really helps little ones who strugglt with to much freedom to 'play'.
The teacher does not seem concerned.
Perhaps the children that are coming up to you are tell-tales, and that is not that nie in itself.
it is very early days at school, I am sure things will settle down.
(hugs) to you are your DS

School is responsible for supervision during school hours.

There is a mum who unhappily complained that her DD was afraid of DS about 18 months ago (when they were both under 3yo). I guess DS had attacked her DD (he went thru a phase of it about then).

Now my DS, her DD are in same class . I wonder what she thinks .... probably best not to mull on it, eh?

You have my sympathies.

I have a boisterous 6 yo, and thankfully he is improving, but a year ago he was running a bit wild and pushing in the play ground. It was never with malicious intent and the school weren't at all worried by it. However some parents can't cope with their little ones getting the occasional shove, and have to make a big deal of it.

There's not a lot you can do unfortunately. He will probably grow out of it before long. All you can do is to reiterate to be gentle etc (which I am sure you are doing already)

Some chn just enjoy telling tales. There's a boy in my ds's class who tells tales all the time. Drives me mad.

A kid kept telling tales on ds1 all through reception. In the end I got fed up of "X got told off for doing water at carpet time. And he squirted his drink. He got told off for running in the corridor" etc, and I asked her "And did you get told off for telling tales?"

"Yes", she replied, sadly

Hi, had this also.. my ds was "bullying" at school at 4 (very young, August baby). He didn't know how to join in so he was putting his coat hood up and ner-ner-ing around the playground barging into people as this was his only way of getting attention. The teachers' assistant was more helpful than the teacher (oh we've seen all this before etc which was reassuring) As a solution we organised playdates with some mothers, with the mothers staying, and they were quite short ones. That helped calm him down a bit and gave him people to play with in the playground. But he was still pushing kids to get attention and ultimately one little boy, a very nice child, got completely fed up with it and thumped him.

There was a bit of instant upset, which was got over quite quickly, and sorry to all the non-violent types but I'm afraid it solved the problem permanently.

I really hope your kid doesn't get thumped and my only positive idea would be the playdates, but you have to be quite sucky - uppy to the other mums because (as I'm sure you know) they can look rather askance.

Teacher described my Ds as "but of a livewire" Think thats teachers code for over exhuberance!

I have tried to keep bed times pretty tight and working on emphathy!

Agree with Cornsilk some children tell tales and pretty tall ones at that.

Also don't forget that once a child gets a name for "trouble" then anything that goes wrong in the playground can get hung around their necks.. but true

I agree that its really par for the course with boys - they do get very excited and sometimes too rough.

Must say the little girl's mother sounds a bit mad though - i tend not to believe a lot of what my DS (also in reception) says about his day as he has a vivid imagination. Also its very possible that said girl had pushed him first but i expect she wouldn't tell her mother that.

I just emphasise to my DS its important to play with everyone and be kind and gentle and think how he'd feel if someone pushed him.

Thanks to all. DS is in school full-time. But I had this complaints also when he was in nursery. He is over-flowing with energy. I am afraid that these kids say the truth and DS2, aged 3, can confirm.

Once a mum told me that she tells her DS to push back if he is puched and that kind of stuff. I honestly always tell DS to be gentle and if someone hurts him he should tell the teacher and never hit back, and about the importance of forgiving, blah blah.

But how do I teach him spacial awareness and empathy?
I thought that maybe if he took up a sport... After the nose incident last week, I took him to a tennis lesson, but he was too young to follow the instructions, he couldn't really coordinate like the older children. Someone suggested that I buy a trampoline! To see if he uses up the excess of energy, Yeah, maybe I'll put him to jump half an hour before going to school

At school ds is a good lad but afterwards he's just bursting with pent up energy having been contained all day. Dh or I have to take him for a 'run' afterwards to let off steam.

DS' friend is boisterous & sometimes ds is the target for that. I wouldn't dream of telling his mum - I know how much she would anguish, just as you are doing. DS has the skills for dealing with him & I trust the supervision at the school. If ds was in any way distressed I'd tackle it by talking it through with his teachers. Totally imo a phase which they go through - I await with fingers crossed for when heathenish dd starts.

Are there any mini rugby classes run by your local club? Could be a good way of channelling all that exuberance?

bleurgh, DS is thumped often as there is another "but of a livewire" in his classroom, whose mum is very sweet to my DS, by the way. I wouldn't hold a grudge against his mum or him though. I actually like the boy, he is only playful, like my son. But I guess that it takes a boisterous son to see the nice person behind the "troublemaker".
And yes, I sometimes think that DS has built himself a bad reputation, and if things go wrong in the classroom it's easier to blame him. And what can I say if I'm not there to see it all... I'm getting ready for parent's eve next week. But I'm taking DH. I do not want to be sobbing on my own.

Callisto, what if he wants to tackle kids in the classroom? I would rather send him to ballet classes (after a tiring run in the park ) Last term we went to mini football, but his short attention span dodn't allow him to join very well.

I am relieved to see that other mums have boisterous kids too

Just remember that you have no control of what happens at school.
Thus you cannot hold yourself responsible.
School staff willingly guide the children and are responsible for what happens within school hours. All they can do is inform you and all you can then do is talk to your son.

I am having the very same problems with mine who is a July baby.

keep it in perspective (this from some one who went to see the teacher in floods of snotty sobbing tears 3 weeks ago)

I too tried football etc, but we had to give up as my boys attention and interest lasts for all of 30secs.

That is normal, healthy little boy behaviour i have to add.

For me, i am riding the storm until it ends, and it will end soon.
Communicate with the school staff, take their advice on how to tackle and guide your boy, they have seen this a hundred times before you got there dont forget.

Talk to him about his day, although mine just says that he cant remember what he has done!
Try to focus on positives no matter how samll with him.

its not the end of the world and it will be fine honestly.

Lastly, never ever feel embarrased of your son, be proud of the spark that he has, ok agression or rough play is not a plus, but think of the confidence that he has, think of the great things that he does.
He has spirit, like my boy, and i am reluctant to squash that spirit, i want to re direct it.

Choc if you sob at parents' day you won't be the first and I doubt that I was the first one either..

I'm sorry about the thumping, no child should be thumped, and I was a little glib.

It's tough for boys, these tiny lads who just want to charge around have to sit and do cutting and sticking for five hours .. I feel sorry for the ones that it doesn't suit..

and yes I too have retained a fondness for children that trouble seems to stick too although they seem awfully sweet in themselves

Choc, rugby training is all about discipline and self-control. It is such a physical game that if players didn't have respect for each other and the referee it would become a bloodbath very quickly. Rugby at your son's age is 'touch' ie no contact so he wouldn't be taught how to tackle until much older. I don't know the ins and outs of actual training sessions but it looks like loads of fun for the children and, dare I say it, much more fun than mini football.

My son was a bit like this last year when he started reception and really it was his way of trying to make friends and he probably lacked a few social skills (he was just 4!). By the end of the academic year, he had grown out of it although he can still be quite boistrous - so don't worry too much but just remind him to play gently, perhaps suggest other ways to engage the other kids. I am sure your son won't be the only child at school who is a livewire so don't be paranoid

Alternatively, get a mini trampoline and get him to bounce as much as possible before school.

If any child comes up to you in the playground at pickup. Respond very nicely and calmly and ask them to tell a teacher if something happens in the playground because they can sort it out for them e.g. ''I'm really sorry you got a sore nose. If it happens again, would you tell a grown up for me? That way they can help you and the person who has hurt you can say sorry''

that is good advice desperate, plus the teachers usually know the tell tales

Thanks thanks a lot to all!!
I was not able to write before, but I read all the comments and felt stronger for the meeting with the teacher this morning. It was enlightening to read that school is responsible for supervision in school hours -I am very apologetic, argghh. Also, deanychip, thanks for the comment on not crushing the spirit of the little boy, you're right. Callisto, you have a point there. Mini football WAS boring when DS tried it. Or for me, at least. I asked today for info about sports in the area let's see what comes up. I want him to have fun.

Finally let me tell you that the meeting with his teacher was a dream! She was great, very understanding of the nature of little boys (she is a mum of 2). According to her, DS's behaviour is getting better, he is more considerate and if he upsets someone he says sorry. The incident with the girl's nose was an accident, the assistant saw everything. I'm soooo relieved! I even treated myself with a moccha after the meeting