3 year old; rage, tantrums etc

[LuceG]

We have a DS age 3 years and DD age 4 months.
DS behaviour is gradually getting worse and worse. He has a very bad, quick temper (as do I) which now involves tantrums, yelling at me, screaming and looking like he's going to explode with anger.
These can start over the smallest things like 'please eat your tea'..... He's so well behaved at nursery, grandparents etc it just seems to be with me.
I'm at breaking point with him. Punishment so far has been;
taking fav toy away (which he doesn't seem bothered about)
sending to his room (more success)
naughty corner (useless in my opinion)
smacked bottom (I hate doing it)

I'm starting to feel i'm spending my entire life telling him off and raising my voice and that i've lost my wonderful, loving little boy and I miss him.

Help, suggestions etc etc needed.

Awww

Lots of other MNers will have been through this, as have I .

First things first.

Can you ratchet down the volume then - ignore, divert, distract.

Focus on catching him being 'good', sitting nicely, lovely sharing, being kind, anything you can comment positively on.

This takes time, and he'll probably try a few tricks.

Attention is what he rightly looks for, and he'll get it however he can. So by responding to positive behaviours you can turn it around.

Draw your line in the sand, and if he steps over it then use timeout.

But pick your arguments - taking seatbelt off in car will result in you immediately turning around and going home, playing in the mud is a no brainer for eg.

Good luck

Thanks so much, you're right I think he's looking for attention. Not only does he have a new sister but a new niece (only 3 weeks younger than DD) plus he was the only grandchild. Now is 1 of 3, all in the same town.

He's still at nursery whilst i'm on mat leave, so we have 2 full days the 3 of us, alot of the day is focused on DD; feeding, nappies etc etc.

I need to focus more on him.

I'm the only mum with my group of v close friends and it's so hard as they just don't get it despite their best efforts. :-(

Ah, a new baby on the scene, he is going to go off the rails to a greater or lesser degree.

How old is the baby ?

Possibly you are knackered and this makes it a bit worse as well. (I have a 3.7 year age gap, youngest is now 13 months)

On the days you have both dcs at home (this is how it was for me too) try your utmost to give him one to one time if the baby is asleep. I found this really hard as I just wanted to plonk my oldest in front of the tv and sit quietly and mnet.

At other times try and get even an hour just you and him - I used to take my older dd to supermarket cafe down the road and we would have a cake together and buy something nice for tea. I was able to leave baby with dh even though I was bf; she was fine for an hour or two.

Re the discipline, BALD has good advice.
Try not to shout (I am talking to myself too), go in a different room for a couple of minutes if you have to.

DD is 4 months old. His new cousin, my niece is 3 months old.

He was fine when they both appeared (!), we live in the same town and see alot of each other, he also see's alot of my mum & dad, who now have 2 new grandchildren although they are great and don't focus all attention on the babies.

Totally agree with what BoysAreLikeDogs has said.

My 3.7 yr old DS is incredibly willful and prone to temper tantrums. I find that consistent praise and pointing out positive behaviour + having firm boundaries, but picking my battles very carefully + using distraction and diffusing techniques (cuddles / laughter when he initially kicks off sometimes nips it in the bud) = a big improvement in his behaviour over time.

You'll never eliminate tantrums completely with kids this age, so also important to be realistic and tell yourself this is all normal.

p.s. this is just my personal opinion but I think that shouting and screaming at a little one really distresses them, even though they do it to us. Now my dd is a bit older she gets really outraged if I shout and says things like I am being horrible to her. (and she is right). Anything that makes you feel you are losing it (smacking and screaming) is not good. It is also a sign that you are stressed and tired and you need to try and do what you can to get a bit of time for yourself.

Cut corners if you have to with meals,household jobs etc. (we lived on baked potatoes and pasta). If you have a dp remember you should be working as a team in this.

If you shout try and look at him (your ds) as seeing his little face crumple may well stop you in your tracks (from bitter experience )

Congratulations on your new LO

Things will settle down in time, as Lollipop says, you are knackered which makes for a shorter fuse.

Thanks so much for this, i've never used mumsnet before, your advice is so welcome. I've had such overwhelming feelings of guilt this week....

onepieceoflollipop has really hit a nerve, i never have one2one time with DS anymore, and I really miss that, so he must as well.

I'll ask my mum to take DD for few hrs so we can start to spend some quality time with each other.

Luce, I would like to welcome you to MN.

LuceG welcome to mnet.

It does get better. A year ago I was stomping round crying and saying I felt that I was being tormented. (due to dd2 causing sleep deprivation and dd1 making "undue" demands in the day)

Adjusting from 1 child to 2 seems to be a breeze for some people, but it wasn't for me. I am generally a very confident and sociable person but the first few months after having a baby I go quite soppy and pathetic. (I'm not suggesting that you are btw, just explaining how I felt) I wasn't depressed, just overwhelmed with it all.

How is your little one sleeping?

DD is sleeping through and has for some time (!) Now i've said that she'll stop.....!

Although i'm still knackered; but i'm one of those people that really needs about 20 hrs sleep to function! never grown out of teenage sleep habits!!!

onepieceoflollipop You are so right about shouting; i hate myself for doing it, and i agree adjusting to 2 is hard work, i'm not a natural earth mum type at the best of times!

New leaf from tomorrow. I'm taking all advice and starting from scratch......i want my loving little boy back.

It so good to hear from people who have been through this. :-)

Hi
you are so not alone....don't know if you've seen it, but I started a similar thread about challenging behaviour tipping me over the edge - it's here under behaviour titled 'Calling all mums of demanding kids.....' (sorry, don't know how to do those post links)! It has been sooo useful, there are quite a lot of posts, but worht ploughing through! Good luck - you are NOT alone!!!

Hi, great, thanks just had look at it, some good advice and will look at the book mentioned.

Many thanks for ALL messages.

Will let you know how we're getting on!

LOL x

God, I hear you on never having outgrown teenage sleep habits! . I'm 32 weeks pregnant with no.2, so am heading to where you are imminently (eek).

I also hate myself when I shout. I'm trying really hard not to get wound up myself recently, as DS is highly strung and sensitive, so as well as kicking off fairly easily, he also gets really upset and in full on sobbing mode easily, too. He's a bit like me, really , so am trying to be calmer and on more of an even keel in the hope that it will rub off on him...

Been there, done that, it will pass. Thought age 3 was definitely the worse with both of mine. I came to the conclusion that it's quite a bewildering age to be- half baby, half older child; you don't know how grown-up to expect them to be and they don't know either. Can only get better!

I'm so glad I found this thread as I was just about to start one!

Our 3 yr 4 month old has just started school nursery in the mornings and is being vile.

He is OK at school (although he has pooed himself a couple of times) but is having a lot of anger issues.

He has been going to nursery/cm since he was a baby, so it is not the first time away from mummy.

However, I think he finds school stressful and I made a terrible mistake by hiring a cm to pick him up 3 days a week. After a couple of days of tantrums (rage is a better way of describing it), she refused to look after him. Fortunately I have found a lovely girl to come to the house, but I dare not let her pick him up from school - it will have to be me/dh for the forseeable. I work from home/occasional trips out of the house so this is do-able, but it means it will make the days very bitty. I hope this does not make me sound incredibly selfish - the irony is that I quit a full time career in TV production at the end of last year to achieve a better work/life balance and to give him more time!

I think the cause behind the rage is tiredness - the cm marched him straight off to the park after school and I think this exhausted him. We witnessed the tired rage today after taking him to his favourite soft play place - he fell asleep on the bus home and went absolutely MENTAL when he woke up and screamed non stop for about 45 minutes. We tried the naughty step, ignoring, cuddles, bribery etc - all to no avail. If that's what the cm had to put up with, then I can see why there was a problem.

I am also pregnant at the moment - due in Feb and although he seems very happy about the thought of a little brother (we know it's a boy), I'm wondering if this is contributing to the rage. Basically it's another change to cope with and he is only 3.

He is also SWEARING loads at the moment (which I know is our fault). It's like the delightful little boy we had over the summer has suddenly been replaced with a monster.

I feel terrible making comments like this - just would like some practical suggestions about how to deal with the tired tantrums/rage. I don't want to end up screaming at him or worse still smacking him out of frustration.

Sorry about long post.