How can I stop DS (7) from being so nasty to his sister

[anyoneelse]

This has got really bad lately. Even DH has got worried about it and DH usually hardly notices this sort of thing.

Examples - DD (6) gets award at school for swimming achievement. DS is and always has been a better swimmer. So is constantly belittling her award, saying how he swims much better, and even damaging the certificate she got.

As a one off I can see he is jealous/upset he never got one but every single thing that DD says - DS turns around and tells her she is wrong or belittles it - if she says "I love fairies" he will go on and on (and on) about how fairies arent real. If she says something about assembly at school he will say no it wasnt this it was that. If she draws something he will make a nasty remark about it.

At school recently he drew a picture "my family" and she was drawn as a horrible creature. She saw it and was upset.

If she is watching him do something he will push her away; if she wants to use something of his which he hasnt even touched in months he snatches it back. They dont play together.

At school he has been pinching her and getting his gang of friends to chase her at playtime - to the extent she had to involve the teachers. Who didnt tell me - but she came home and told me.

He seems to think it is "cool" to be like this - to begin with I thought it was for show in front of his friends but it is now all the time. He is only 7 and has no regard at all for her feelings.

I am not expecting them to be best friends but he just wont leave her be or even be neutral let alone nice to her or about her.

I have tried talking to him but cant seem to get to the bottom of this. Anyone know what is going on? Is this normal - it is just that he has not been like this until the last month or so. Any suggestions? Sorry this is such a long post.

Sorry you having this anyonelese. We have a similar problem. dd1 is awful to ds 1, and now dd2 is copying her and is awful to him as well. I think they are really damaging his confidence. I dont know that the answer is. We try to do things alone with ds1, but it doesnt stop the constant meanness of his siblings. I have reasoned, chastised, bribed, none of it seems to help. So sorry, cant be of any help, just want you to know you are not alone!

Have you sat him down in a non-telling off way? Talk to him as an equal - I know this sounds daft, as he's only 7, but most kids like being told they're big. Try and put him in her position - what it must be like for her when he's mean. If he'll agree it can't be nice, then ask him what he thinks he should do to change it, or what should happen if he doesn't. Tell him it's unacceptable, so one way or another it has to change. If he won't work with you to find a solution, then I think you have to go zero tolerance. Tell him what'll happen if he's mean to her and then calmly enforce. You're right, you can't make him like her, but you can put a stop to it.

I have tried talking to him but he really doesnt seem to care. The only time he said anything which showed he was trying to understand was when he said "sometimes I get so angry I just cant help my bad behaviour". I dont think it is just anger he is feeling, I think it is some sort of resentment or something but he describes it as anger. I said it wasnt an excuse for hurting someone and was trying to suggest what he could do when he felt angry rather than hurt DD.

Couple of days ago when he got in the car, DD accidentally hit his leg with her schoolbag so he turns round and starts hitting her - hard. He just couldnt seem to understand that there is a difference between an accident and deliberate hurting. And he seemed to think I was siding with DD unfairly.

I will try talking again next time it happens. I have also been using the line "if you cant say something nice...dont say anything" and reminding him if he starts up.
The big "punishment" is withdrawing his nintendo so I have been doing that but he then seems to increasingly resent DD for the fact he hasnt got his nintendo. Like it is her fault rather than his.

Am rambling again. Sorry.

Is it possible he sees her as the 'good' child? Sometimes compliant girls get a lot more positive feedback from parents than active, ants in their pants, never sit still, need to hit things, boys.....also boys of this age are UTTER sticklers for fairness and will be VERY angry at perceived unfairness.

He does sound like he is carrying some resentment seething just below the surface. It must come from somewhere, can you think of anything that could be putting it there for him? Even if quite subtle to you...

I know it will be hard at first as there's little positive in their relationship now, but I think positive re-inforcement of him as a big brother will be very helpful. Make remarks to him about how his sister admires him, thinks he is so good at this or that, loves him (on the quiet!). Don't do it with any agenda (as in if only you would behave better) just say it for it's own sake. It will help to build the bond between them eventually IMO, until you get to the stage where you can give your DD positive feedback from your DS.

Sounds really tricky, and I think you're right, from his pov that the Nintendo being withdrawn makes him resent your daughter, which is obviously far from helpful... Howabout going completely the other way - can someone have your daughter for a day? Can you and your DH spend the day with him - don't mention your worries at all, just have fun. Then at the end/ mid part of the day when all's going well sit him down and talk to him, but make sure you're not telling him off. Tell him how much you love him, and how great he is, but that the way he is with his sister is not good for anyone including him. If he'll meet you on that, then you could ask him how can you help him not to behave like that. If he still says he doesn't care, well I don't know what you do, other than to insist it's not going to continue and show a united front with your DH.
A friend of mine had similar problems with two daughters, and they held a family meeting once a week - daily at the weekend. They all sat down and the older one had to listen to how the little one felt if she'd been mean to her. The elder one then had a chance to try and explain why she'd done whatever it was. Somehow being faced with it in a calm way, shamed her. I don't think they punished her for what she was doing, but they said if she did whatever it was again, then there was an agreed punishment. They rarely had to enforce it. The sisters still don't get on very well, but things are lots better.

Smee those are a couple of really good ideas, and I think giving him some one to one time is a really good idea. I am wondering if an even more gently gently approach with that might be good; not to even TALK about his behaviour with him, just literally to have the day for what it is, just good time together. I think it's possible he might feel a little manipulated if it's used as time to stick in a 'chat' and he would resent that I'm sure.

I would just have fun with him and at times throughout the day talk about his sister - she would enjoy this, she would hate that or the other... Just baby steps at thinking about HER feelings, but without any pressure at all.

And then maybe combine that totally pressure free time with the idea of the family chat to face him with how she felt about what he did and give HIM the chance to air any grievances too. But remember depending on his nature he may be less skilled at communicating than his sister so may need drawing out.
Just a thought.

Good point, HP - you don't want him to think any time you've set aside with him is a trick to get him to talk. I think I was trying to say, don't try and solve it when he's been bad, as he'll always be defensive at that point, so you're less likely to get anywhere. They're so sensitive these small people. It's like tight rope walking being a parent

It sounds as if he is very resentful and jealous. They are very close in age so he may feel that things were fine in the family until she arrived and took everyone's attention. If she is lovely and no trouble he may well see her as the good child which in his mind equals the more loved child.
Do you treat them differently and allow him the perks of being older? I have 2 very close in age and to start with it was easy to treat them as a pair, e.g. bath them and do a joint story. We had to change it and do the youngest first and allow the older one extra time.
I would go with Smee's idea but I would wait until DD is in bed and talk to him with DH so that he appreciates that you are serious.I would tell him that it is absolutely unacceptable and ask how he thinks it could change? I would try and go more for reward than punishments. Tell him that as eldest he will get perks but only if he acts in a responsible manner. Work them out with him, e.g. a later bedtime, doing something special with Dad, having quality time to play a game etc without DD. Make quite sure that he realises that they will be taken away if he makes her life a misery. I would also try and do fun things as a whole family.
Whatever you decide on-good luck with it.

Hello again.

I have just got back from a session with ds1's school counsellor. He is getting help because of anger issues. I do think the attitude of his sisters towards him is having a detrimental effect. One of the things she has suggested to help them get on better is to find an activity where they have to be a team, so maybe a board game (not thought of any others as yet) and they play against parents. She suggested that this regular team work might just get them to start recognising each others good points.

As I say, literally just got back from seeing her with this suggestion, so no idea whether it will work, but might be worth a go.

x

Thanks for all these suggestions. HG I think you are right about DD being the "good" child and the thing about fairness. DD is always getting positive feedback from school, outside activities etc because she puts everything into them and tries so hard and always does her best - she is not especially able academically or sportwise so needs lots of encouragement. DS on the other hand is quite able and so probably at school etc is just left to get on with it and it seems to come to him easily so he doesnt get all the extra positive stuff. DS does seem to think life is unfair.

We really do try and give one to one time etc but I will take the ideas on board and try a bit more. I am really not sure about board games though - DS seems to need to win at all costs - the most simple thing like a game of chance if he loses it is like the world has come to an end. DD truly doesnt mind!

Anyway must go and collect them! Thanks again.

My son still does this now and he is 15, his sisters 13 and 11. Belittling their achievements appears to be his way of feeling superior to them. He has done this in one form or another since his sister was born when he was 21 months old. She on the other hand has always been determined to do everything he could, even at the youngest ages.

We have never made overt comparisons between them until recently when I have started pointing out to him that if he worked a little harder (as hard as his sister works in fact), he would get better grades than he is at the moment, and might stand a chance of rivalling his sister. The two girls also gang up on him. They argue (often very amusingly), but never fight physically, for which I can only be thankful.

We tried to overcome this rivalry early on by refusing to allow them to do any of the same out of school activities, so that there was no possibility of comparison. That hasn't really worked either, although it does enable them occasionally to be civil to each other.

I'm just trying to be philosophical about it and attempting to minimise the damage so that at least they still love each other when they are adults.

If you do a game I think you need one where DS and DD are on the same side against you and DH- try some team effort.

Just another thought, I know it is horrid now, not nice for you or them, but take heart in the fact that I hated my little sister with a passion. I did terrible things to her that I am really ashamed of. However we are now the bestest friends in the world and love each other so much. And I wasnt quite as vile to my brother, but we werent close, and again, I would consider him to be one of my closest friends.

My neighbours children were like that and now the best of friends! It can change!