Worried about a friend's child!

[JacqJacq]

My friend has a 3 year old son and I am really worried about his development. He can only say about 5 or 6 words, none of which are too clear. He also seems to have many problems understanding what you ask him to do. He still has a dummy and constantly dribbles. If you take him outside he will just run and run (away) and not stop, literally! I don't want to interfere in their family but I have serious concerns for this child. Am I right too?

What does your friend think?

Tough one, lots of mums dont like to take useful advice/criticism about their kids..
but sounds like you need to mention maybe a health visitor appmt to her?

If he's just turned 3, will he be starting pre-school soon? If so I would leave it to them to tell your friend if they are concerned.

Sorry, don't know where I got 'just turned 3' from.

Echoing primrosehall, does he go to nursery? Because if so they will pick up on these issues there if they think there is a problem.

Yes, he goes to nursery. 5 days a week. All day. They have picked up on it and referred him to a speech therapist but the mum says that she sees no problem and will not take him.

Maybe the mother is nervous of what the ST will say?
Maybe you could offer to accompany her to the appointment if she needs some support.
Then I think you need to leave it.
It's her child, and her decision - not much else you can do really.

Why not try a different tactic and suggest she go just to prove the nursery wrong? Say that's what you'd do or something, as after all at 3 the child won't know what's going on, so it's hardly going to stress them out. It might make her switch her decision if she thinks she can shut the whole discussion down, and if she does go the therapist can tell her if there is or isn't a problem.

Oh that's hard then jacqjacq. I've known a few people like that (refuse SALT as they don't think there's a problem). Very, very frustrating for all around them.

I know of one family where three girls all had speech problems and the parents refused to see the issue. The head teacher finally lost patience and insisted that they were referred for speech therapy, by which time the oldest girl was almost 10. Makes me so cross, those poor kids!

Agree with smee, go with the "get them off your back" approach, might work.

Yes you are right, but since it's been flagged up and appropriate referrals offered, and your friend is in denial, then there's not a great deal you can do. There are a few things you can do to help this lad when you are with him - speak very simply and try and use the same words each time. When you can, back up what you say with visuals - pointing, gesturing or even photos if appropriate.

Btw I doubt the dummy is a significant factor - I mean it's hardly going to affect the lad's understanding of language is it?

im will say my ds is 3.5 has limited speech although clearer now has dummy at night if tantrums really bad dummy in day i have and was told its not a factor at all to his delayed speech or understanding turned out my ds has HFA and have breen advised to give him his comfort although i do only at night unless ill or really have to then we limit to 5 mins

the dribbling lack of speech and understanding would indicate its a bit more and the running i know lots of runners with sn but could be normal boyish behaviour

i have a friend in america not here but her ds is same she wont send to kindergarton will not allow speech therapist within her home will not get any help for him it is so sdad to see but all you can do is maybe bring up cases on here and how much there child has improved without pointing fingers at her

the success stories or the information may help her make her mind up she is in denial she probably knows there is something wrong and doesnt want to hear it very scary to hear there is something wrong with your child be a friend and support her

but keep on about stories you have read on here it may get through that it is in her sons best interest if not theres not much you can do maybe education people may just step in

Thank for your help everyone. I saw the mother yesterday evening and went with the tactic of 'proving the nursery wrong'. It worked, she's going to call the SALT on monday morning. I work as a nanny so have quite a lot of experience with children, but do not have any children of my own. From my experience, the major problem for this child is that he is not given enough attention. As soon he comes home form all day nursery he is sat in his own bedroom with his own t.v, where he eats his dinner by himself and then goes to bed. Exactly the same thing happens at the weekend, unless someone else takes him out. I am taking him out today. I can't wait to see him. He is an adorable boy.

He has to eat his dinner by himself .
Why????

poor little sausage! Sat in a room on his own regularly? Why?

You are kidding, he comes home from nursery (which he attends full time) then goes straight to his room where he eats his dinner all by himself? That is blatant neglect. No wonder the child is starting to show problems. The poor little thing. Makes me sick that people have children in the first place to treat them like that.

oh poor thing does she not want a child then?

my ds likes to spend time alone due to the ASD but no way would i just sit him in his room if i havent been with him all day regardless

bless him have a good day shame you have to take him back by the sounds of things

what is the mother doing while he sits in his room? that is terrible, can't you talk to her nursey or something and voice your concerns?

I would ring social services.

At the beginning of this thread my thinking was that perhaps this child has a specific sn which would explain the obvious speach delay etc.

But now I'm wondering whether his delays are actually because he has not had interaction at home for the past three years.

He's in nursery now so obviously is getting interaction from others, but what was the situation before he went to nursery?

Children learn to do things by example. So for instance if no-one ever talks to a child then the child will never learn to talk. When I was at school I knew a child whose parents had carried him everywhere until he was 5, because they were so afraid that he would run into things (he was VI) that they didn't let him walk. Consequently the muscles in his legs were so underdeveloped he had to undergo years of physio/OT to help him learn to walk properly. Equally someone else I know whose parents are both profoundly deaf. As a result he grew up with sign language, and so didn't learn to speak until he was 4 and went to nursery.

Maybe this woman needs some help with interacting with her child. Or maybe she's just neglecting him and ss need to intervene.

There was a woman at one of the toddler groups I used to attend who, because of severe learning difficulties, had real problems interacting with her dd. She didn't talk to her/never did anything with her and as result the little girl's development was severely impaired. Ss and the nspcc worked very closely with her for about 2 years iirc to try and help her wrt her parenting. Unfortunately things didn't work out and her dd was taken into care. Sadly this was seen as the best course of action for all concerned, and the little girl went from strength to strength after that. She is now being brought up by a member of this woman's close family, so she still has a relationship with the child, she is unfortunately just not the best person to be bringing her up iyswim.

if i had real genuine concerns i too would speak to ss rather than ignore it its the poor child who is suffering no exscuse for not spending time with your child

I don't know if it is a case for the SS. She feeds him, washes him and clothes him. Well, actually the majority of this is done by the mother's partner. It just breaks my heart to see him staring blankly at the screen all the time.
Our day out today was great. We went to the beach, ran in the waves and got very sandy. I talked to him the whole time. He said 'bird' and 'water'. .
When he got home, the mum put the t.v on in his room and sat him in front of it with his dinner

What I find interesting is that she must have told you this is what she does with her son - and if that's so, then she obviously thinks it's acceptable as she isn't at all embarrassed about it. So I'd say it's her who needs help too. If she's your friend, then presumably you like her, so maybe you can get her to see that the way they are isn't normal or helping her son to develop. Maybe it's worth being honest with her - after all, you're a nanny, so you can plead professional knowledge. Very tricky I know, but she does sound like she's in danger of really harming that lo.

Okay am a bit worried now this sounds like my 2.5YO DS.

In reply to mamadiva - not sure what you mean? The way your child is, the way you are?