am i right to be a teensy bit annoyed about this?

[lucykate]

ds has a friend who is a year younger, they don't always get on. this week, ds has been being a bit verbally mean to the friend, which is getting to be a bit embarrassing. friend has been known to be a bit rough in the past with ds, pinching etc, to the point that i'm willing to kind of let ds's recent meanness go, ie, am saying to ds to not be so mean, but am not punishing him for it iyswim.

ds has just been shouting and friend, just saying things like you can't come in my house etc. friends mum, (who is one of my friends), then says to my ds 'he'll whollop you if you carry on like that'. i understand that she is just being protective of her ds, but am a bit taken aback that he's being virtually told it's ok to lash out as retaliation when another child shouts at you.

who's right, who's wrong?, could do with some outside, objective opinions.

ds is 3, thanks for reply, i do feel like i need to just let it go, feels better though having written it all down here, and at least now i know how to spell 'wallop' properly

So the other child is just 2?

I think it sounds like the mum is reminding your DS that her DS tends to react physically rather than telling him it's Ok to hit.

ah, didn't think of it that way round soupy, i suppose as a result of me being automatically protective of my ds, thanks for that. feel much better about it now, thanks guys

I think if you allow your ds to get away with being verbally mean because a 2yo has lashed out in the past, then you are failing to remember how small 2yos are and how quickly they grow (letting such a small child be punished for what he did when he was even smaller seems ).

But more importantly, you are doing your ds a disservice if don't teach him (gently! given that he is also very young) that he must not say unkind things. You are ds's mum, not the other boy's mum, so concentrate on helping ds to learn what he needs to get on in life. If he thinks you're ok with him saying mean things, then next time chances are he will say them to some gentle little thing who has nothing to do with the initital problem.

When ds was about this age, he kept getting bitten badly by a smaller child. We taught him that the lo does not understand and he would repeat this as a mantra "X not 'stand". Basically, we felt it was his carer's responsibility to keep him safe (and she did work hard on it), but that teaching him to retaliate would be likely to land him in trouble somewhere else (pre-school, with other friends etc). It was heart-wrenching to see as he is such a gentle boy, but I feel the outcome has been good; he learnt to ask adults for help rather than getting himself in a muddle.

cory, i hope i didn't give the impression ds totally getting away with being mean, as i said in the op, he is told off and made to say sorry, he's just not being punished, ie naughty step, toys removed etc. the sticking point i had with the situation is i'm not sure i would ever give a child the green light to lash out, whatever their age.

no, I did understand that. What I'm trying to say is that how this 2yo has behaved in the past shouldn't come into your decisions about your ds now, it's totally irrelevant