Feeling low because my beautiful, PFB dd (11.5 months) seems to be the slowest developer in my antenatal group

[ChunkyChick]

It?s crazy I know. And I know I shouldn?t compare, but as she?s my first, I just can?t seem to help myself. I?ve always been a bit on the neurotic side anyway, and this is really getting me down. Ugh. She has been late to get mobile ? didn?t crawl until 11 months - but then she is very heavy (deep into 99.6th percentile territory) and tall too.

I?m not worried about mobility so much as things that denote ability to communicate and intelligence. She has been waving for several weeks now, but doesn?t clap or point yet. The other babies in my antenatal group have been doing all this seemingly for weeks and even months now. And they all seem to be getting the beginnings of first words too. Dd babbles well, and is clearly inquisitive and sociable, but I expect she will be the last to talk, just as with everything else.

The worst thing is that yesterday a friend came over with her 9.5 month old, whom I haven?t seen for a while. Even she was clapping, pointing and waving (which I know is very early for a 9.5 month old). It was literally like a stab in the guts, and it ended up being an awful day (for me anyway).

I just want dd to be first at something too for a change! And for her abilities to be exclaimed over, like the other babies. Sigh. Both me and dh are highly educated, and yes, I will admit that it is a very unexpected surprise, and severe dent to my pride that she is the laggard of our group. My balloon has been well and truly pricked, and maybe I deserve it. I find I am starting to not want to go to our weekly meet-ups, which I'm aware is completely pathetic. But I spend the whole time there secretly comparing what all the other babies can do compared to mine, and always come home feeling down.

I wonder if part of it is that I have not been stimulating her enough. I have tended to just park her in her playroom while I get on with jobs around the house, although we do go out to activities every day where we get ?quality time?. I?ve been trying to show her how to clap for the last couple of months, but she just doesn?t seem to want to copy me (though she will with other things) - it's as if she just doesn't 'get it', or isn't ready yet to get it. I think I need to be teaching her more names for things, showing her books, pointing at things etc.

So what does this mean? Is my dd less intelligent than her little friends? Will she catch up and hold her own, or even excel at something? As I said, she is inquisitive and sociable, very smiley and laughs a lot, gives me things she?s holding if I hold out my hand for them etc, clearly is not actually delayed as such, just a little slower than her peer group. But I am starting to obsess about all this now, to the extent that it really isn?t healthy. Sigh. I just love her so much!

What can I do to stop myself from obsessing? As I said, I am a bit of an obsesser anyway, unfortunately that just seems to be the way I?m built. I just want to be able to just chill out and enjoy my time with my mummy friends. They really are lovely girls, and none of them would ever be mean enough to say anything derogatory about my dd.

Can anyone help me?

Wow ? have just logged back in. I am crying and laughing as I read all your wonderful replies (which just proves how ridiculously wound up I have allowed myself to become about all this!) Honestly it?s so pathetic really, when I think of people with real problems, like sick children etc. Thank you, lovely kind ladies, thank you, for every single one of your reassuring posts. You have made me feel so much better, you have no idea!

You are all so right about things evening out over the long run. It is just so difficult to keep that in mind when dd?s development compared with her peers is just so completely in my face at the moment, but I will try to keep it in mind more. I KNOW you are all right. I need to make myself calm down and believe it.

Megglevache, v funny about the UCAS form, and ProvincialLady, that was very wise. And Niecie and RachelG thank you for the reassuring posts about other laggards who went on to excel! And thanks for that theory Broccolispears. I really like that, and hope it will prove to be the case with dd! QuickdrawMcGraw that?s a great story about your niece. And RnB, I am sorry to hear about your son?s diagnosis. Also a very salutary and wise post from you, as also Lio and Malory. IlovemyGHDs you clearly did the antenatal group the right way around. Perhaps everyone should be compelled to do it with their second only, so that all of the PFB comparison stuff is out of the way. Thank you EVERYONE in fact. I?d like to answer you all, but I have to rush out to the supermarket in a minute or dd will have no dinner (which surely won?t help with development).

I should have mentioned that dd is also very independent, which maybe has something to do with why she won?t copy me with the clapping etc? I don?t know. She has been refusing to be spoon fed for a couple of months now and all of her meals consist completely of finger food. She is also not very clingy and wherever we are can hardly wait to crawl off to be where the action is.

Our antenatal group is all first time mothers. So many of you mention joining a group with older children. I think you are right. We go along to a couple of playgroups, and I am going to make more of an effort to speak to the mums of older children.

I?ll come back online tonight.

x

agree with malory and jimjams. if I ever want general behaviour advice, I ask my friends with 4 or 5 kids - as I know that they won't be interested in competitive shite.

Chunkychick print this off, put it in an envelope and read it again in a year - you will wonder what you were worrying about. A lot of us have been there - but honestly in the run of things all of this is so unimportant and you won't even remember half these 'milestones' you are worrying about.

"I have tended to just park her in her playroom while I get on with jobs around the house."

Why do you do this? She would be much more stimulated following you around the house and watching you do the chores (my daughter loved taking the socks out of the washing machine at your DD's age). Much more important to spend lots of time one-on-one with your DD getting on with your daily jobs than to take her out of the house for "quality time"...

I do sympathise, I've been through this antenatal group angst with ds1 and it's horrid when your dc seems last to do everything. I have a "friend" who asks on a weekly basis how many teeth 13 month old DS2 has. Who cares?!! I don't know why it matters so much to her but she competes over every aspect of our dc's development and it's become so wearing I now keep my distance from her.

I think you only have to read a few posts on the SN board to realise how bright and articulate the mums posting on there are. Being educationally able as parents isn't a natural guarantee that your child will be an academic high flier themselves.

I'm not suggesting for a second that your dd has special needs, she sounds to be progressing brilliantly, and waving is a very good indicator that her communication skills are developing well - I'm just putting forward a different viewpoint.

Please relax and try and appreciate what you do have rather than wishing for what your friends may appear to have.

I agree with others-it isn't a race!
My cousin's son didn't say anything until he was 5 and then talked in complete sentences!
I didn't even stand up until I was 16mths old!
I could go on with examples. It is no judge of future intelligence!
Women seem to make it into a competitive sport-it is best to leave them to it and not take part.
Your lovely DD is sensible-she isn't competing, she will do it in her own time.
Just feel sorry for some of these poor little DCs -some of them have pressure to perform at such a young age. They are babies and it is one time in their lives they should just be allowed to 'be' without expectations.

Yes, I was thinking of phoning a good friend of my husband's earlier., just to have a bit of a moan. She has four kids, so would put me straight right away I'm sure. I must say I do feel a bit foolish at the prospect of even asking her about this though, especially as she has her hands so full...

Yes, I look forward to reading this in a year's time and having a bit of a laugh. I very much hope so!

Anna you're absolutely right. But the reason I put her in the playroom is because we have old stripped wooden floorboards in the kitchen, and several of them are broken and not suitable for a crawling baby. This is no excuse though. I have been thinking over the past few days that I really need to get them mended, or get some rugs down or a playpen or something. You're entirely correct in that she would be much more stimulated following me around the house.

yes independant = i will do it when I want to thanks mum!

my dd din't even start walking till she was 20 mths. I remember being alarmed when i had a meet up with 2 mums from my anti natal class at one of the mum's homes. Their girls were crawling around, and my dd couldn't sit up unaided. This was at about 10 mnths.

NOw dd is six and on the gifted and talented list, give next door's eight yr old a headache with her verbal reasoning, and is generally pretty ahead in alot of things.
Yet i do understand exactly why you feel the way you do.!