4 year old son - just started reception and is hitting

[Gemma77]

I really hope somebody can help me. I am now at my wits end and am truly desperate...

My eldest son started school about 3 weeks ago. I thought all was going okay but last Wednesday when I was picking him up, his teacher asked if she could speak to me in the morning when the other parents had left about Adam's behaviour.

She has told nme that Adam has been having 'time outs' quite a lot for hitting at school. At first they put it down to settling into his new school. She is going to do a special sticker chart just for him and he will get a reward when he gets four stickers in a row.

However, that same day he hit out at a friend. Then Friday he punched a boy (although it turns out the other boy was hitting him with a stick over the head and wouldnt stop - so both of them had to do time out). Yesterday my son bit his best friend on the arm. It was for no reason - not spiteful or anything, they were just playing and Adam got over excited and bit his friend.

I now feel sick to my stomach everytime I have to collect him as it always seems to be bad news and I just am so embarressed. Especially around the other parents as it seems that my son is the only one who is like this.

We have tried everything at home. When he is good he gets a reward (a ball in his ball jar which when full earns him a treat), we give him lots of praise and attention for good behaviour and when he is bad he looses one of his balls and has time out in his bedroom.

He used to go to a day nursery and the last few months he really started to play up. He even begun hitting teachers when they tried to remove him from an activity for bad behaviour. On these occassions I did smack him and sent him to his room all evening. It did seem to shock him as we never really smack him but it did get better. However, I dont want to resort to smaking - I would rather save it for really serious instances

His teacher is keeping an eye out for patterns. But I know that it is probably when he gets cross (he can get really cross - into a real rage sometimes) when he is not getting his own way. So if somebody takes something from him etc.

I have sat down with him so many times and talked with him about not hitting. We play over what he should do if somebody hits him, take a toy, upsets him etc etc.. and his answers are perfect! But he just doesnt think before he acts. The real problem is that he is so impulsive.

He tells me he tries to be good but forgets. Today I have put a sticker in his lunch box on his sandwich bag which he chose to remind himself to be good this afternoon. Not sure it will be enough though.

I just don't know where me and his dad are going wrong. I so badly want him to enjoy school and do well. But at the moment his teachers must think he is such a handful. I know that he can be a really good boy too but they dont seem to get to see it.

I am really starting to wonder if there could be something wrong with him. Has anyone any experiences with educational psychologists? I am willing to try anything.

If anyone has any ideas to help encourage him, or to discipline him so it gets through to him, please let me know.

Thank you so much for reading. I never thought this would be such a long post when I started!!

Gemma

get in contact with your doc/health clinic and start by talking to a nurse or health adviser about the behaviour and background to this situation.

if you have no help from there call NHS direct, they are so bloody good and if they can't help will be sure to point you in a direction.

it's too early to say anything for sure, but do not be too hasty in changing things at the present - you need to establish the root cause before attacking the symptoms.

Please do call these people.
post again soon and send updates

It's only three weeks, so it sounds like he's unsettled and finding school hard. Okay so he's the only kid behaving like this and it started at nursery, but it's not uncommon and almost certainly it's not long term. There's a gorgeous boy in my son's nursery who's just started doing this, and they think it's because his best friend's left to start school.
Lots and lots of truly lovely kids turn into monsters when they start school or even when they move up into the next year and yes of course violence is abhorent, but if you all keep calm, I doubt he'll carry on unless he's labelled as a trouble maker. I'd say that's the real danger and is what you have to avoid.
So I'd say keep talking to the school and work with them to find a way through. Maybe get them to sit talk to him and you together and make him involved in the problem, agree that it's not acceptable and also make him agree to a solution. If he sits with you and works out a way through that he agrees to/ even that he plans and suggests, then he can be proud of it when he gets there.
For what it's worth, I'd definitely stop the slapping/ disciplining at home. If he knows he's going to be disciplined, he's hardly going to open up and tell you how he feels or why it happens. I know you've sat him down and talked it through, but I'm saying take it a step further - get him to say what should happen if he does it - ie he proposes any punishment. Also maybe give him something to focus on that stops his rage - eg: if you get angry, shout or jump in the air or count to five - something that stalls the anger, so stops him hitting. Do role play with him, and turn it into a game - you be the friend who takes his toy or something and see what he does/ what he could do differently and obviously give him huge hugs when he gets it right.
I'm really not saying you should accept violence, only try a different tactic that's more gentle which might help him relax. I bet he doesn't like getting into trouble, so help him take control of himself and be there for him so he can talk about it. Good luck though - must be so so hard.

Take a deep breath and calm down, no need to be desperate and at end of tether, it has only been a few weeks!

First thing, I would cease smacking him at all, ever. Because if him hitting is a problem, then you're not going to help the situation at ALL by ever smacking him.

And second, make sure that you deal with behaviour at home, and school deal with behaviour at school. Don't think that when teachers tell you about hitting at school that you have to do anything about it. They have already dealt with it at school and if you re-iterate by punishing at home it will be a very negative cycle and he will feel aggreived and under pressure.

Agree with smee that giving him little strategies like counting, etc may help but it may be a case of constantly reminding him until he is mature enough to have capacity to remember. Also he needs to know that he must tell the teacher if other kids are snatching/being naughty. That's part of what the teacher is there for.

And lastly lower your expectations. School is very very hard for some young boys and he needs time and space to settle. Don't worry about him. Sure he'll be fine.

Agree with the other advice. I wouldn't worry it doesn't sound too serious. Sometimes little boys have trouble expressing their feelings of insecurity (which would be a perfectly reasonable way to feel about starting school), I know mine does and reacting physically is their first line of defense. Consistency with punishment is the key and agree with HonoriaGlossop about not smacking him- gives completely mixed messages. When not punishing him for hitting I'd pile on the constant reassurance and cuddles just to make him feel a bit more secure about everything.

I found DS1 change from nursery to school traumatic so I can only imagine how he felt!

Thanks everyone. I really dont want him to be labled a 'naughty child' as he so isnt like that. He is a kind boy (albiet a bit boisterous and spirited sometimes!) I just wish his school could see this side of him too and I do worry that the first impression is not good.

I was so hopeful for a good day yesterday as he had tried role play and he had come up with some good ideas for what to do in certain situations. Unfortunatley he bit another child yesterday This time there was a reason - a boy wouldnt let him out from under the table so he couldn't tell a teacher - but we have talked about why it was still wrong to bite and what he could have done instead.

His teacher was keen to tell me that he had been really good the rest of the day and that he had earnt two smiley faces for listening well and helping tidy up. So although he didnt get to watch TV etc, we did make sure we praised him for the good work he had done at school. And again, we had a good talk about why biting is not acceptable and what he should have done instead.

Just to confirm, smaking is not something I condone. I think DS has only ever been smaked (gently) twice in his 5 years. The other time was when he legged it out of the midwife's room whilst I was having blood taken (so I couldn't run after him with the needle still in my arm) He ran out the room, out the surgery and straight to the busy main road. I only just got to him in time and I did smack him - I think it was fear on my part - but the shock of it did work. If we smaked as part of normal discipline there would be no shock factor at all and it would be pointless.

I would definetly not resort to smaking or biting back over this as I know that this must be linked to the changes going on in his life. I love my little one so much and will do whatever it takes to help him adjust.

I know its early days, its just so hard to be left standing outside waiting for the bad news with the other parents looking at my child as if he is the devil himself. It's heartbreaking.

It is really helpful to read that most children get there in the end and dont end up excluded from school at 5 years old

blimey Gemma I think you can be forgiven for a reactive smack to the running in the road scenario!

Please don't feel bad - as time goes on you will see many other parents called in for a 'word' with the teacher Lots and lots of kids have problems settling and it sounds as if your ds is already doing well.

I'd just say again - make sure your expectations are realistic - he is having a lot asked of him at the moment; learning to be in a class of 30 is not easy, when you are so very young. He's also a boy and prey to a need to use his gross motor skills alot, and be active, and that is curtailed in the school environment to a greater or lesser degree.

I think it would be unrealistic to expect him to settle without some of this behaviour. HTH.

It doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong to me. You seem to be handling it very well.

Just as a nice point of reference...my son's best friend in reception had terribe behaviour in class and was constantly being picked up by the teachers, kept in at playtime, singled out. And his mum and the teachers have worked hard in trying to improve his behaviour. This child, it appears, is extremely bright, and his mum was totally very unaware of it. Now he is actually being challenged, he has more to occupy him. Another little boy in his class behaved in much the same was as your little boy, and again the teachers have worked hard with reward jars, etc. My son wanted him to come over to play one day ...and he is just the sweetest little man. Much more polite and nicer than a lot of other kids in the class. This year, they have both settled down so much. I guess for a lot of kids starting school is so stressful, they all play it out in different ways.

The teachers sound as if they are handling it well. I do suspect he will settle down when he knows what he is doing and is into a routine.

Gut feeling is maybe you're talking too much. You've mentioned talking with him and the school talking with him numerous times. He's only 4
Reminds me of the far side cartoon, which I can't find, but here's a copy cartoon www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=396076

Maybe try this book - helped me a lot with my wild 4 yr old.

Gemma your son sounds identical to mine except my ds is still in nursery untill starting full time in jan. I have had the same comments and it turns out that my ds is extremely bright and they think he is now bored at nursery and that is why he is having problems. I just want to say you are not on your own and its so heartbreaking when you have the killer stares of mums I feel your pain xxxxxxxxxxxx

Not that I'm obsessive, but found it. www.flickr.com/photos/sluggerotoole/153603564/.
And I agree with whoever said not to also punish him at home for what he did at school. Not fair to get double helpings.

Don't panic. He isn't a sociopath, just having a hiccup at a difficult time. I'm sure he'll even out in no time. But I can understand the dread you must feel. And also so much wanting them all to see the great side to him that you see, that you fear they don't. But I bet they do. He can't be being awful all day every day. I'm sure he's mostly charming with the occasional flash.

We had a good day today! His teacher called him out of his class first and gave me a big smile and thumbs up! HURRAAHH.

I know its only one day, but it has given us the chance to really praise him and give him lots of rewards. As I type, he and my DH are making camps with our living room furniture

Your post have really hit a note with regard to not punishing him twice - i.e once at school and then again at home. Youre right - we are probably putting more pressure on him and he is still only 4.

I loved the cartoon... and you may have a point! I have also ordered the book this afternoon - will be reading it avidly tomorrow afternoon!!

Gemma

gemma - so glad you ds had a good day Hope the book helps. My ds responded really well & it helped my blood pressure no end

Nearly finished reading the book.. it arrived this morning!

I have had about 100 lightbulb moments and have chuckled through out at the humour throughout!

Thanks so much for the recommendation. You may have just saved my sanity and made my house a much friendly place to be.

Why oh why was this book not handed out in the maternity ward????

Gemma

Glad things are going better Gemma! Hope it keeps going. I'm so glad you agreed with the not punishing twice thing; I think some people do 'over parent' in this regard. All you actually have to do is pick em up, give em a dinner, and get em to bed basically

I believe my ds is much happier for a completely seperate school/home feeling.

I know some people think they are showing their support for the school by punishing at home for bad behaviour at school but as I say I think this is over egging the pudding. You can show support just by accepting how the school have dealt with it - and not going straight up the school to complain if they dare to discipline your child. I've known parents like that, and those who punish at home for school stuff and I think the middle ground is the healthiest!!!

Gemma can I buy the book off you when your finished .

Hi

I know its been a while since you posted this topic but I was wondering how you DS was getting on as I am having exactly the same problems with my DS, who aslo started Reception in September, although to top it off he has also had episodes of "accidents"

I am also at a point that I dread going to collect him, for what they might say and it upsets me so much also to think he might be labelled as the naughty boy as he is such a funny, happy loving child normally!

I have read all the advice with interest and followed many tips, but still having the odd day that this is happening (its not every day a week or two can go by and all seems well and then that "look" from the teacher!)

Anyway I would be really interested to see what is happening with you!

Thanks so much

Hi dear mums... I am going through a similar situation my son is in reception now just 3 months over.... He has speech delay ...and he started smacking his teacher and laughing at school and itz really embarassing to hear from them and other children are shocked to see that.... I am worried and don't know where to start and stop.... This school gives me lots of compliments about my LO.....teacher already referred him to GP and waiting for SLT assessment. Please help....