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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is it o.k to have another baby if you're not 100% sure about it.?

23 replies

mummyloveslucy · 21/09/2008 19:32

Hi, I have a 3.5 year old daughter and I'm concidering another baby.
I had an awfull pregnancy with her and was so sick for 5 months that I went to hospital for 5 days. I also had fertility treatment to have her and have just been refered to the hospital for more.
The thing is, when I was trying for my daughter there was nothing else on this earth I wanted more than a baby. She was, and is so special. I don't feel like this atall about trying for another one. Some days I think how lovely it would be, then other days I think no I couldn't cope, wouldn't be fair on dd, wouldn't love the baby as much as her etc. (of corse I would love the baby as much, it's just hard to imagine).
My daughter is so gorgeous but has a speech disorder so it can be quite hard to understand her and stop her becoming frustrated. It can be quite draining at times. I think a sibling would be good for her and she would make a lovely big sister to the baby. I can't imagine her being an older only child.
I love the thought of another toddler but find the baby stage a bit booring now I have a toddler.
What do you think? is it normal to be not too fussed about another baby and then go on to absoluitly love it and not be able to imagine life without it, or should I waight to see if I ever get a huge urge to have another?
I don't want an age gap too huge, and with fertility issues it would be best to do it now. I'm just not too sure.

OP posts:

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MrsMattie · 21/09/2008 19:38

Personally, I would only do it if I was hit with another big wave of broodiness. Of course, second or subsequent times around the broodiness is not the same - you know the reality, so you'll never again have that complete fantasy picture of motherhood! .

However, pregnancy and being motherhood, as you know, can be tough at times, and I think that all consuming desire to do it makes the tough times bearable. I couldn't have got through my hyperemesis, for instance, or through running around after a crazy toddler while heavily pregnant, unless the end result was something I truly longed for.

MrsMattie · 21/09/2008 19:39

meant to say being a mother in third sentence.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 21/09/2008 19:41

Good point, thank you.

OP posts:

tassisssss · 21/09/2008 19:42

I wasn't sure we were ready for out 3rd 21 months after our 2nd, but it's the best thing that's happened to us (well one of them!). We all utterly adore her.

(not sure how much help that is!!)

Have you weighed up the pros and cons? reading your post it sounds like you're quite up for it!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 21/09/2008 19:45

I think most people just go for it, but I'm a worrier as you might've guessed.

OP posts:

messageinabottle · 21/09/2008 19:45

but not forgetting, they are not babies forever.

Think back over the past 3/4 years I bet it has flown by for you!

I think the difficulty here is that you now know how hard it is to give birth and look after a child whereas when we were pregnant with our first we had no idea!!

what does your partner think?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 21/09/2008 21:41

He would like another one, but knows it might not happen anyway but he'd like to try. He says if it dosn't happen, we're really lucky to have our daughter anyway.

OP posts:

minorbird · 21/09/2008 21:49

Goodness MLL, I'm the same, 3.5 yo DD and somedays anchoring after another but then others thinking I must be mental! It doesnt help that everyone around seems to be having more DC! And boys seem to be given out at the moment and Id love a boy! but I keep putting it off, oh after this job or after this marathon etc... (I run) This is why I think if you're gonna do it, you should just bite the bullet! Cos there is never a right time and theres always something to worry about! x

lou031205 · 21/09/2008 22:03

It isn't the same second time around and that is normal. The first time you are longing for a baby, and longing to be a Mother. You imagine your baby, what they will be like, etc.

Now, you are a mother. You have a little person who takes up all (you think) of your emotional energy, and your time. She is your world.

But, your world will stretch, and I know for me, within a couple of weeks of DD2's birth, I almost couldn't remember a time without her. Corny but true. They just slot in, and become part of your family.

Elibean · 21/09/2008 22:34

Can relate to a lot of the OP....also had fertility tx, and 4 miscarriages, before having dd1 and felt almost disloyal having another. Equally, and partly because of this, felt it would be great for her if I did!

Anyway...for myself, I half wanted another and half didn't, and am an older mum and worried about that too, etc etc. Finally decided to try just once, and now have dd2 who is nearly 22 months and utterly beloved.

dh can testify to my ambivalence throughout pregnancy (mostly to do with anxiety about coping, and anxiety about not being as much 'there' for dd1 as I had been) right down to driving to hospital saying 'oh god I'm not sure about this '.

Agree with all thats said about second child being different, and the only way I can describe it is this: when dd1 was born I burst into tears of wonder and said 'oh my god its a baby' - when dd2 was born I shed a tear and said 'oh my god, its you'.

For about a year or so after that, I still wasn't 'sure' whether we were right to have a second child, or whetehr I could cope (she had health issues to boot), but that doesn't mean I didn't love her throughout. And now she's nearly two and I'm so, so glad we went ahead - dd1 too, she adores her (and loathes her on occasion, but not for long ).

Good luck deciding, there are no rights and wrongs and its not easy...maybe ask yourself how you would feel in five years time if you a) didn't try and b) did and succeeded.

lingle · 22/09/2008 09:05

I can also relate to the OP. And, to be honest, it came to pass just as I'd feared. I felt regret and guilt after DS2 was born and a perceptive health visitor pointed out that I was grieving for the exclusive relationship with DS1.
I also dislliked turning my relationship with DS1 into a pantomime ("yes baby, you want to play with DS1, you love DS1, when you are bigger you can play with him").

It took about 6 months to stop feeling unhappy, another 6 months to accept that I would never have that falling in love feeling with DS2 but - newsflash - babies DON'T CARE so long as you cuddle and feed them! I was just as good a mother as if I'd been rapturous inside! - and once I'd accepted the truth, I discovered to my surprise that I was missing snuggling with DS2 just as much as being with DS1.

No regrets now . And the pantomime act worked, by the way - they have a great relationship.

If you do go for it and struggle with your 2nd born, my advice is keep going through the motions because at some place it will click into place.

theautomatic · 22/09/2008 09:06

I posted a similar thread in Health and was accused of bleating, not really the response I was looking for to be honest! I have a dd who is 3 and having recently turned 35 now is the time for me to start thinking whether to have another baby. This month I was worn out by all the thinking and decided to just go with it and let nature take its course, we'll see what happens. For me, worries about finance and how we'd cope paying the mortgage etc is a big issue but I think the real worry for me is the physical impact of giving birth. I had 3rd degree tear last time which left me in pain for well over a year, had lots of infections, scar tissue and seemed to spend the first year of my babies life constantly at the doctors or hospital. Luckily for me I'm not incontinent but have read other posts where women who've had 3rd/4th degree tears havent been so lucky. I know if I get pregant I will spend the whole 9 months obsessing over whether to give a natural child birth a go and hope for the best or to have a planned section.

Elibean you make a good point, how would I feel in 5 years? Something for me to definitely think seriously about.

AbbeyA · 22/09/2008 09:19

I would wait a while, a bigger age range can be nice, I have an 8 yr gap and DS1 was thrilled to have a brother. Now they are older they get on well. DS2 hero worshipped him when small. I then have a 20mth gap and they get on well but also fight a lot.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 22/09/2008 09:47

Thanks everyone, you've all been really understanding and helpfull. I thought I might have been slated for even thinking the second one wouldn't be the same.
I'm glad it's not just me that's had these concerns.
I'll be thinking how I'll feel in 5 years time and I do think it would be great. It's the pregnancy/birth that puts me off most.

OP posts:

midnightexpress · 22/09/2008 09:56

I had a different experience, got pg for the 2nd time (by accident) when ds1 was only 5 months old, my dad had just died and dp was a student so no money coming in. We were both a bit and unsure, but now ds2 is 20 months old and I just can't imagine life without him. Love him to pieces and the DSs both love each other too, which is almost the most important thing for me I think. It was tough at the start (I too find the newborn bit a bit difficult, and ds2 wasn't the easiest of newborns), but it gets better every day.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 22/09/2008 11:37

Midnightexpress- (what a great film that is)
I think just going for it, or an accident even is the best way sometimes. I think you can spend far too much time thinking what if.

OP posts:

NellyTheElephant · 22/09/2008 19:57

I'd say yes, definitely. The fact is these days that we all have to choose to have children. That's even more true if you have to have fertility treatment. Personally I found the idea of saying 'ok, now is the right time for me to have a child' entirely and completely alien. It's NEVER the right time. Prior to concieving DD1 DH and I had been together about 9 years. I was in my early 30s,so yes the time was supposedly right. But it seemed ridiculous to be making such a decision. We didn't have enough money, my career was just taking off, DH's was nosediving (so what was going to happen when I went on maternity leave etc etc). I had never been particularly broody and would go as far as to say I didn't really like children much at all. But we looked at the big picture, we both felt that in the long run we wanted to have chilren, so we may as well go for it. And we did, and it was wonderful. I swore I'd never have another one though....... BUT..... I love my brother. DH loves his brother.... we fight and laugh and have an incredible bond...... I wanted that for DD, so low and behold off we went again. I remember thinking the night before I went in for my elective section for DD2 that I would NEVER NEVER love her like I loved DD1 and feeling terrible about it. Complete load of cr*p obviously!! You have an infinite capacity for love. Sure they drive me MAD, but they fight and they laugh have an incredible bond and (above all) they keep each other occupied and out of my hair. I'm pg with DC3 now (god save me!).

What I'm trying to say is that I think it was all a lot easier when pregnancy was not such a conscious decision!

Oh - and I loved the baby stage second time around (having been none too keen first time!).

hotbot · 22/09/2008 20:54

mummyloveslucy , i feel exactly the same way i am 37 so the clock is already really ticking for me , some days yeah, lets go for it other days hmmmm for the same reasons as all the others here and the thought of contemplating a really yucky pregnancy again and awful birth....... i know no 2 births are the same it would be nice to just wake up with a baby and then decision made.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 25/09/2008 09:27

I've just had my hospital appointment come through for october and I feel fantastic about it. I'm really positive that it's the right thing to do, I've even decided on a home birth.
I just hope it'll happen now. I'll try not to raise my hopes too much.

OP posts:

hotbot · 25/09/2008 18:59

good luck.... perhaps we will meet on the antenantal boards?

starkadder · 25/09/2008 19:45

I know someone who says "babies bring their own love with them". Think she got it from her grandmother. I think it sums it up quite well

Turniphead1 · 25/09/2008 19:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

katiek123 · 25/09/2008 21:32

i totally agree with turniphead - i used to consider DC2 the 'balm to my tortured soul', something gorgeous and cuddly and smily to retreat to after another bruising showdown with my toddler DC1!! they now have an absolute blast with each other though DC1 considered her brother a total waste of space for the first year or so! good luck!!

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