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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Recommended Toddler Behaviour Books please.

41 replies

PavlovtheCat · 19/09/2008 09:29

I would like to get a book that might help guide me through the toddler years.

I had What To Expect When Expecting/The First Year and found these so much help. However, I also got the What To Expect: The Toddler Years and I really did not find it useful at all. I found it quite moralising, rather than full of practical tips on how to deal with certain behaviour.

Since then, I have not looked at a toddler book. And whilst DH and I are not struggling with all aspects, there are some areas were we are a little unclear as to which direction we should be/want to be going in terms of discipline, and think it might be good to look at some 'Bibles' to get a feel of if we are doing it right, what we might be doing wrong, give us some confidence, in particular how to deal with mornings and evenings (DD has become a door basher since moving into her bed, early in the morning and late at night, and it is wearing us down, for example).

We do not want a regimented toddler book. We are not military precision parents, we do not have strict routines, and whilst that may be some our problem, we want to find a way of disciplining without being too aggressive/strict/regimented.

DD is quite an independent child, and what we do not want to do is force this to be pushed into the background. We want to encourage and develop her sense of self without putting too many barriers in her way. Which means we need to know much better what boundaries are essential (we think we know, but need confirmation/reassurance, how to keep those boundaries in place and be consistent with it.

I gave a lot of info, as I think this might be useful in the recommendations that people may give. It may be that there are a couple we could look at.

Thanks in advance.

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chunglimum · 19/09/2008 10:33

I'm not that keen on the idea of "taming" although I too am finding the toddler years challenging. I just finished and really liked "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, which is a different take on discipline and a lot of food for thought. I have been trying to be more playful and less directive and it has helped to avoid a few melt downs.

bellabelly · 19/09/2008 10:35

Pavlov, Robin Barker's ideas seem to me to be very balanced and realistic - lots of insight into WHY toddlers might behave in a certain way, rather than lots of strict advice about what to do. Just suggestions and ideas. Also lots of practical stuff about developmental and medical type things.

She says it's not intended to be read cover to cover but actually that's what I've done as a) she writes really well and b) I have been a bit bored recently!

fortyplus · 19/09/2008 10:38

PavlovtheCat - I was one of those!

Also... just made me think of a friend's dd who from about the age of 4 till 6 insisted that she was a boy and her name was Christopher Robin!

Botbot · 19/09/2008 10:39

Only a bit of it is about toddlers, but I like Kidwrangling by Kaz Cooke. She has a lovely warm, non-judgemental tone, and it's funny but still quite informative too.

I also quite like The Best Friend's Guide to Toddlers by Vicki Iovine. Like the other books in that series, it's not really a manual, more a collection of anecdotes, but it makes you feel you're not alone (a bit like MN really).

HonoriaGlossop · 19/09/2008 10:40

chungli, that's such a good point - I haven't read that book but since I've been a parent I have just been staggered at the people who forget their kids are MADE to play, and have fun. Kids will do so much in the form of play. And they have fantastic natural senses of humour, I've seen so many situations that could have been eased with a bit of humour but instead the parents have faces like they're sucking lemons and everything's all serious all the time.

Humour is one of THE best 'weapons' when dealing with toddlers.

malfoy · 19/09/2008 10:40

I will give another vote to Toddler Taming.

Re the physical punishment aspect, if I remember right, Green only advocates in "danger" type situations, eg a child constantly undoing her seat belt or running into trhe road.

fortyplus · 19/09/2008 10:46

I think he also makes points about their curiosity. Eg when your child uses the hair rinsing jus to tip water all over the bathroom floor they aren't being naughty, they're exploring the laws of physics!

One thing I remember him saying is 'only punish crimes, not mistakes'.

fortyplus · 19/09/2008 10:46

jug, obv

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 19/09/2008 10:53

Chungli/Honoria - I think that is one element of parenting we are getting right. And I do think it why we are having less of a hard time than others we know.

I have found on many occasions play has been able to defuse a tantrum, and fun and turning something into a 'game' has made turning something DD cannot do, into something she can do an easier way of reducing the risk of tears.

However, we find that particular moments in the day, play is not possible/does not work.

I had read in the WTEWYE: the first year book, that mostly when a young child does something that you have asked them not to, it is not a wilful act, it is that their curiousity has got the better of them. Finding out what happens when they drop their plate on the floor is far too tempting than the consequences of it. And I try to remember that for those occasions. However, there are times now, that it appears DD does things as she is curious about my reaction (or DHs) rather than what she is actually doing.

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fortyplus · 19/09/2008 11:10

Couldn't agree more. It does pay dividends. My 2 are 13 and 14 now and I have a fantastic relationship with them. On the occasions that they have a teenage strop they come back later and say sorry. I tell them not to worry - hormones are normal and whilst their behaviour can be a bit frustrating/infuriating at times they're not doing anything bad. I can't understand why some people are such control freaks with their teenagers - no wonder they rebel! It's all about having clear, firm, fair boundaries.

fortyplus · 19/09/2008 11:12

And I might add that the people I know whose teenagers are troublesome just can't see that it all stems from toddlerhood. That ruling too firmly or not at all will both lead to rebellion as soon as the hormones kick in.

clam · 19/09/2008 11:15

I liked the gentle humour in Toddler Taming. It is the behaviour we're trying to tame, not the child, so much.
As others have said, read it and use strategies that appeal and ditch those that don't. Although in the controlled crying chapter (always a contentious one; we did it for DS but couldn't hack it with DD), he does point out that you either need to it to the letter, or not at all. Lots of people try it, lose heart and then claim it doesn't work, apparently.

Botbot · 19/09/2008 15:16

Does anyone know how different the 2006 and 2001 editions of Toddler Taming are - is there lots of new material in the newer one? The reason I ask is that the 2006 one is £7.25 second-hand on Amazon, and the 2001 one is 19p, and I'm a cheapskate. Will I lose out by buying the older one?

mamazee · 19/09/2008 15:22

i love the good behaviour book by dr sears.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 20/09/2008 09:00

OK,so, I went to waterstones and bought Dr Green Toddler Taming as it got a lot of votes.

And....

I love it so far! Once I got past the first chapter where he uses constant metaphors to say not very much, he starts making sense.

I have not got as far as any techniques. What I have enjoyed reading so far is the common sense background stuff, how a toddler works (even things like frontal lobe not being full developed!). The stuff I already knew I guess, just needed reaffirming about what normal toddler behaviour is, whrer we sometimes lose track of when it gets too much (which is where I am at in the book). It just so sums up where DD is right now, and it is just helping me to feel more confident that DH and I are on the right tracks already, we seem to be getting it right, and the things we are 'stuggling' with are normal things.

I will see how it goes as I read on. But I am unsure as to why he gave it such as harsh sounding title as he clearly states in the book

'I don't tame toddlers. Taming is not what bringing up a toddler is all about and it's certainly not what I'm about. Taming suggests that todlers need to be brought under control, and while it may seem that way on the surface, that's not the answer to your problems'.

which I found re-assuring. He perhaps meant it tongue in cheek?

Anywaym we will see how it goes as I read on, and keep the suggestions coming. DH and I decided we do not want one 'bible' but would like a reference library. We don't think there is one 'right' way to do things, and would like to learn as much as possible about toddler behaviour, and in particular about our toddler behaviour.

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 20/09/2008 09:01

(i also got this book as there was limited choice and I am going on holiday tomorrow and don't have time to order from Amazon!!! )

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