Will my daughter ever pooh in the toilet ???

[mummyloveslucy]

My daughter is 3.5 and has been potty training for about 8 months. She goes to nursery and is dry all day for them from 9-3pm, she rarely has an accident. As soon as she comes home though she wees herself whenever she feels like it. I have to force persuade her to use the toilet and she'll sit there for a few seconds then she'll say "no wee-wee", then a few minutes later will wet herself.
I know she can do it, as she does it at nursery. I've tried giving a sweetie if she does it on the toilet, sticker charts, loads of praise etc. I don't know what else I can try.
She has only done one pooh on the toilet in her life, and just poos in her knickers every day. She dosn't pooh herself at nursery, she waits untill she comes home. She dosn't mind being wet at all, and isn't embarrased about wetting herself in public either. What should I do ?

Anyone ??

My DD was a bit like that althogh slightly younger. She didn't seem to mind at all about pooing herself even though we knew she could do it. What cracked it for us was bribery with chocolate. It sounds like you've already tried it but could you bribe her with something she really likes. I found the knowledge of an immediate piece of milky way worked better than sticker charts

Have just done the same with hair washing. She had a mini pack of smarties for washing hair without tears or tantrums for about 4 weeks. Now she just does it without needing the smarties. It may be a terrible way to parent but it does seem to work for us!!

Sorry i cant help but my dd1 is 3 and she will only poo in her nappy, she is toilet trained and rarely has any accidents but she refuses to use the potty or toilet for her poos. I cant even attempt bribes as I know it is non negotiable at the moment. She also likes to do her poo behind a curtain .... So I dont have a clue what to do but I also dont want to be putting on pressure especially when she has just started pre school.

Have no advice at all - my DS1 is 100%dry but hardly ever uses the toilet for poo. He is 4 but has developmental delay). I know it's no use to you but it makes me feel better that he's not so far off normal considering his delay.

Thanks, I've been trying that for ages without sucess. She is so stuborn it's untrue. She loves wearing dresses so I put her a dress on in the morning and say that if you have an accident, I'll change you in to trousers. Not even that worked.
Everyone says it's best to work with rewards for the good behaviour, but I'm starting to think it would be better to disiplin her for wetting herself. I've tried everything else.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a pushover.

This sounds exactly like my DS when he was that age. He is just turned 4 now. The situation was just as yours is, and no approach seemed to work (being nice ignoring it and and cleaning it up, giving him a row - not excessive just showing I wasn't happy, bribery etc). He just didn't seem to care, even if the bribery involved chocolate. Then he suddenly started doig poos in the toilet. He was prob about 3.5 by then actually, but I was beginning to give up hope and then he just started doing it.

He does still have the odd weeing accident, but is getting better at just going unprompted. I do remind him if we are out and he is plaing with friends and getting all excited and absorbed in playing - that's when accidents are more likely with him.

Night time we still get the odd poo in a nappy. He still has wet night nappies which I am prepared to carry on with for longer, but I do tell him he must wake us if he needs a poo (I'm sure that he can't be doing that in his sleep! ).

I know I haven't given any advice really, but your situation sounds so similar to how it was with my DS and it can just change v quickly. A couple of other mums have told me that their DCs have done this too.

I don't think it's a question of rewards (although I know that's the approach a lot of people take, it just wouldn't work for me) and I certainly don't think it's a question of discipline.

I think you need to accept where your child is right now - dry at nursery, and neither dry nor clean at home - and then work out how to live with that for however long it is going to be (a day? a week? a month? a year? noone can tell) without anyone being upset. For me, your situation as it stands would mean that I would pop a nappy on your daughter as she came in the door from nursery, but not put a fresh one on in the morning. And when she's ready to use the potty at home, she'll tell you

I also think (God, I'm opinionated) that the more pressure we put on our children over when they are ready to use a potty or toilet, the less likely they are to just get on with using it and with knowing for themselves when they need to go, and with not having accidents. But I know very very well that this is very hard to act upon when our children are later than the norm in being ready to come out of nappies full time.

There are also ebbings and flowings in children and how they prefer to eliminate/defecate. I've known more than one child (different families) who went through a phase of not wanting to use a potty/toilet, and asking for a nappy when they needed one, and then later on, they wanted to wear a nappy all the time because as they were becoming more and more aware of their bodies cues, they were anxious about a nappy getting to them in time (that's what one of them told her mummy in my presence), and then later on they were ready to use the toilet and of course there were no accidents because they knew exactly what was going on.

I think it's just the same as the way some children will try something out and you see them go through the whole process of trying and abjectly failing at whatever it is, and then gradually getting nearer and nearer to managing it, and other children appear to not be even starting to think about that thing (walking/jumping/talking/whatever), and then suddenly one day out of nowhere they are ready, they just preferred to work the whole thing out internally before putting it into practice.

I agree with onwardandupward - except that I did and still do a reward of mini smarties when dd goes on the potty or the toilet; only when she remembers to ask now though! She all of a sudden, more or less overnight started going to the potty and pulling down her pants etc instead of weeing anywhere and everywhere. Just out of nowhere, she was ready. Now she's just doing her poos in her nappy before bed (and she prefers doing it under the table/behind the curtain too, as with OonaghBhuna's dd!) We were all much more relaxed with it once dh and I realised that no amount of coaxing/talking/rewarding was going to get that to change until dd was ready for it to change. It's just part of the bedtime routine now - bath, nappy on, some stories/quiet play, dd disappears for a while to do her business nappy change, bed!

Thanks onwardandupward, I should just go with the flow I suppose. I'm just worried she'll never stay dry for me or pooh in the toilet.
At the moment, I'm putting knickers inside her nappies so that she can feel when she's wet. It dosn't make any difference though.
It might be that when she's home from nursery she just wants to relax and not think about her bodily functions.
I hope she'll get there in the end.

I had this with ds. When he was about 4 he suddenly took the bribe I'd been offering for the last year or so to poo on the loo. All you can do is watch them like a hawk - and you can't do that all the time, so pants will be pooed - and reinforce that poos go in the loo not your pants and other children do it. Also, keep the stools soft by high fibre diet + plenty of fluids. Otherwise she will hold it in and might get an anal fissure (not nice).

Whatever the bribe, my ds wouldn't take it until he was good and ready. Once dh and I watched him continuously while he was up (he never pooed in bed) and he held it in for 3.5 days until waddling like a duck. Then one of us took our eye off the ball and hey presto he disappeared behind the sofa ....

Happy days.

She also lies about going to the toilet. If I say to her "Can you come and have a try on the toilet please" she says "I've been to toilet", of corse she hasn't. When I tell her not to tell lies she just insists she's telling the truth.

I wouldn't get into discussions about lies and truth with a 3 yo, I think a child of that age is too young to know the difference and you should just take everything they say with a pinch of salt.

I remember when my dd2 refused to go to the toilet at the end of playgroup one day and immediately started to wet herself when climbing on the play equipment at the park. I was so angry, I was sounding off to some other mothers at the park and one of them said that wetting was nothing, she had a son who would vomit at will!

It's really stressful, but it will pass. Eventually little girls become more fastidious than their mothers.

Hi

My DS is 3 and has been dry in the day for 7 weeks to the point where he will go up to loo by himself (doesn't tell me) I know when he has gone because his clothes are all askew

BUT every single poo has been in his pants

He did one tiny poo in toilet when we were on holiday about 3 weeks ago but think it was by accident he thought he needed a wee and it fell out (sorry TMI) and he still talks about it now "But mummy I did ONE poo on the toilet" Grrrr

Am finding hard to stay calm....

He starts pre school next week and I think he will be fine because he will hold it in till he gets home

Mummyloveslucy - just to let you know, you are not alone

There is hope! We have had a similar situation with ds1 (4.5) who has finally, in his own time, decided HE CAN poo in the toilet!!!!!
He had been pooing in nappies despite being dry day and night. He would ask for a nappy to do a poo in and absolutely wouldn't do it on potty or loo. We tried bribery - didn't work. At one point he did try sitting on the potty when he needed a poo but just kept jumping up and saying he couldn't do it. A few times I asked him why and he said he was scared he'd fall down the toilet. However, I don't think it was as staightforward as that as he also wouldn't use the potty. I think it was something to do with having to sit for longer and the poo not happening quickly like a wee does....
Every so often I would ask him if he would try, or why he was scared to try. The other day, he said again he he was scared he'd fall down the toilet. I said if he sat on his inner seat or potty he couldn't fall. I also asked what he thought might help. I said he could hold my hand if he wanted. He said he could hold his favourite cuddly toy's hand.... and finally he did a poo on toilet - now 2 days in a row!!!
It is frustrating- but hang on in there - I'm sure they'll all get there in their own time. (I don't think using punishment would work - and may be counter-productive).

My ds1 (4.5) has been dry during the day for a good 18 months, but also will not poo in a toilet or a potty, only a nappy. He just refuses. We too have tried everything, from bribary to gentle persuasion, and nothing so far has works.
My HV says he will do it in his own time, as he is fine weeing (although still wets at night, must wee like a horse)! He is very good with his vocabulary and will argue why he prefers to poo in a nappy (and you can sort of see his point); of course I haven't told him that!

He thinks monsters live down the toilet, but I think thats just an excuse as he just doesn't like it, and the monsters are just a new way now of not having to do it. When he wees, he always wees standing up, so the sitting onthe toilet thing is something he never liked. He would never sit on a potty either.

I am getting concerned as he starts school full time in January, and i really want him to have mastered the poohing thing. But any pressure we do put on him in the past has just resulted in him holding it in until he gets home and asks for a nappy, or is sent home from nursery as he is not feeling well, and having tummy ache becasue of it.

We have tried not giving him a nappy and do as much open door toilet behavoiur ourselves (as one can muster!!) to show him that its fine and natural and we all do it down toilets when we are big boys and girls, but he won't have it. Hopefully being at school with other boys and girls full time will make him see its the way to go. He odens't like people knowing, so knows its babish to do it... but thats as far as we can get him to dwell on it.

Am now at a loss as to what I can do to help him, without setting him back again to holding it until he gets tummy ache. If anyone has any ideas they would be much appreciated!