4 year old boy behaviour with his mum....please comment positively as at end of tether

[hermykne]

posted before and got alot of comments telling i was not the only one but ds has gotten incredible stuborn and resislant to me.
its his way and he'll argue for as long as it takes with me painstakingly trying to be the "good" parent and negotiate but i end up shouting and upsettting him me and dd.

for example
he has a fixation with a particular pair of jeans, its those jeans and nothing else, he ll literally take them off the clothes horse and put them on damp, he's that stubborn.

he reverse the phsycology with me and telll if i want him to be good then'll i ll have to give him a treat - that i have already refused or postponed due to his bad manners or whatever it is.

he is relentless, another example,
dd needed school cardi , went to shop to get, popped in to newsagent to get paper, "can i have a treat?" "no you cant, no treats til after dinner" can i have a treat a 100 times from the shop to the car. relentless.

he didnt get the treat. btw.

i feeel so deflated and its not how i want imagine wish things would be with him, i want him as a 2 year old gorgeus boy.

this is just too hard. he wont take on board that if he is good he will be happier, we all will and that he might get a reward for being good.

I've got no good advice I'm sorry. I struggle with DD sometimes too but I often find that the more wound up I get the worse she gets. It's soul destroying I know, but it's good that you don't give in to him. Try to focus on the good times you have with him and stay strong

Afraid I haven't got any magic recipe for stopping a 4-year-old from being stubborn. The examples you quote seem well within then normal range tbh.

You have started well by sticking to your guns. All you have to do now is to practise doing it without getting upset and angry (at least not too often- we all do at times). Accept that he will nag and that you won't give way. (You can however put a ban on whingey voices).

Don't encourage arguments for the sake of it. It is ok to say pleasantly, perhaps even with a smile "I'm afraid you're not going to change my mind. I am the one in charge you know" and then refuse to engage in further arguments. I used to hum a lot to myself at this stage (can't actually physically stick your fingers in your ears if you're in a public space).

And try very hard not to compare him with either the way he used to be or with some ideal image of how you thought he would be. That way you just risk missing the good sides that he does have.

Sometimes it helps to imagine what you would do if you were his teacher. They can't shout and scream, but neither can they spend the lesson negotiating individually with 30 children. So they tend to develop a brisk cheerful manner early on in their career- works wonders. Find a good efficient headteacher and watch how she does it, you may be able to pick up some good tips.

Basically, it's about finding a third way that is neither endless negotiation (wears you down and gives him an exaggerated idea of his position) nor shouting (wears you down and enflames the situation, also makes him feel too powerful as he is making you lose your cool).

This sounds just like my DS2 (he's just turned 4). I think you are probably on the right track and he will realise that his behaviour doesn't get him anywhere and will grow out of it. However I do try to avoid getting into any kind of dialogue, depending on the situation as I think some of it is down to get attention, (ie the damp jeans (I've had that one too. I just said 'Fine wear them if you want but they're wet' and then walked off to do something else as if I wasn't bothered. After a few minutes he then came up wingeing that his jeans were wet and where were some dry ones!!!).

He does lots of things like that so I do either try to ignore or distract.

thank you all
and cory youre right i shouldnt wish for as he was but concentrate on his good points now. been lovely all evening but dads home!

lolly & grump thanks too.
really helpful

don't be too hard on yourself or be too microscopic about every little detail. I have 2 boys aged 6 and two, what I am trying to say don't sweat the small stuff, so he wants to wear the same jeans all the time, so what. As for the asking 100 times thing, that won't change, well maybe down t0 50 times! Try and have a big old laugh with him, sing dance, be silly, enjoy yourselves! It's just things they do, I am sure he is gorgeous is so many ways, focus on that, when my 6 year old says he wants something and he can't and gets moody, I tell him I WANT a month in Barbados with a cook, housekeeper, nanny and personal trainer but I'm not going to get that either and he laughs, defuse the situation. Another good one is to bargain, say you can't have sweets today but you can have a comic later etc etc. And as for liking Daddy, he will go through a stage when he just likes you only too!

CC , thanks i'm goping to print this and stick it on pin board to read it in times of stress ! thanks