Feel awful, no idea how to cope

[halia]

I've psoted before about DS behaviuor issues, we're sitll finding it incredibly difficult to discipline him and its really getting to me. But before I go into that lets get the biggie out of the way - I smacked him today - now everyone can fall over thmeselves telling me I'm an awful mum etc.

DS is nearly 31/2, he is VERY strong and active we're waiting for results of ed psych but suggestions so far have been about ultra sensitive combined with hyperactiveness. He also has a language delay and intolerances /associated health problems.

HIs behavuor can be lovely but is frequently unbearable. He still wakes up in the night so we are functioning on 31/2 years of broken nights plus dealing with his SN and my own health problem. OH works VERY long hours and can't cut down at all.

Today DS has done: swimming, football, visit to aviary, 2 hrs play in playground, visit to wildlife garden and play in maze with cousin, paddling pool in back garden, traintrack set up and play with OH, drawing and painting with me.

By 6pm I was, as always, exhausted, I had an attack yesterday which normally means I've been overdoing things but i didn't get a chance to rest as DS had me up at 1am and 3am again last night.

So after his usual TV program to help him calm down a little bit (its the only way to get him to sit still) I took him up to bed at 6.45. He screamed, kicked, hit me in the face etc so I rolled him in a blanket (trick I invented to restrian him safely so I can carry him). I have to lock the bedroom door while I get him undressed and ready for bed otherwise he runs away. But then he calms down a bit and wants his bedtime stories.... I was worn out but trying to read him his three stories as usual but he just wouldn't sit still, he climbed on me, kicked me, hit me, jumped on me etc etc.

He wasn't deliberatly trying to hurt me (although he can do that at times) but he just can't get the idea of being gentle or careful. I just lost it... he just kept hurting me and I was on my own and so tired and trying to be a nice mum and read him stoies because if he doesn't get his stories he is even worse and won't go to sleep - I know that rituals calm him down and he needs me to do them for him.... but he wouldn't stop and he wouldn't stop whinging and shouting and he wouldn't say sorry.

So I smacked him............. and now I feel crap. I KNOW I have a temper and I KNOW that I dont' deal well with beign 'got at' I also know that a 3 yr old isn't doing it on purpose but I can't think that... noise drives me up the wall when he just goes on and on and on I get more and more wound up until I literally can't think striaght. Its the same when someone /something hurts me. Its like I loose all adult ability to think about stuff and just react like a hurt animal I've been known to bite my own hand hard enough to bleed when noises won't stop.

But i dont' know what to do.... its easy to say just put him somewhere safe and walk away but I'd spend all my time doing that. He's still in his cot (large cotbed) because I HAVE to have somewhere safe for timeouts as he won't stay in a timeout zone.

He's getting dangerous as well, he's grown sneaky and last week I caught him after he'd got out onto the road by pulling a chair over to open the door (using both hands for latch and handle) and then opening the front gate.

I usually bike everywhere with him but i'm having to stop because he can undo the seat belt thingie and he stands up in the seat and tries to climb out.

Nothing stops him, and nothing seems to register as dangerous. He constantly hurts himself and I live in fear of what he will figure out how to do to get out of things next. He can undo his carseat restraint, use keys to open padlocks and can climb ANYTHING! He pushed my bike forward one day so he could climb onto the seat, then onto the handlebars and reach for the circular saw on a shelf 7ft off the ground.

I've smacked him twice before. That time he ran into the road, and one time he sent me and the bike into the path of a lorry by climbing up in his seat and putting his hands over my eyes.

I just dont' know how to deal with both of these situations - when he wont' STOP moving and whinging/shouting and when he does soemthing dangerous - not the first time he doe sit but when he's done it twice before, we've told him its dangerous, done timeout etc and he STILL goes and does it again.

How can I keep him safe from himself and from me?

He sounds similar to ds1 in a way- especially the safety stuff.

Ds1 has no concept of safety. He's been awake since 2am and (as always when he is tired) is ultra hyper. He also pinches and hits people he likes with no concept that it hurts.

Things we've found have helped.

First you need to ensure your environment is safe. For example our front door has 3 locks on it. 2 he can open in seconds but the third is a deadlock with a key. The door is always deadlocked and I carry the key with me. Ditto the back door- locked and I have the key. He can climb 8 foot fences so isn't allowed in the garden unspervised. All windows are locked and most rooms can be locked to keep him out of them using a removeable key (at the moment for example ds2 and ds3's bedroom is locked because ds1 climbs up at the windows which are old and not safe). Again we use removeable keys.

At night we used to use 2 soft travel barriers on top of each other (pressure gates) - providing they were done up tightly he didn't have the strength to open them until he was about 7.

I wouldn't try cycling with ds1 as I know he would jump off - I think that's something you'll just have to leave for a while

When out and about we still put ds1 on a safety belt (like a big set of reins) if I'm out alone with him and the others (and he's 9 now) - Crelling harnesses are good if you need big reins. Once outside the house someone has responsibility for ds1 the entire time. He literally is not left alone for a second. Wer've just come back from camping and it was the most exhausting thing I have ever done because he would not stop moving from the moment he woke up. He wouldn't stay at the tent- he just sees a road and walks- he literally walked all day. Anyway point it I watched him trying to sit still and he couldn't. I think because he's non-verbal he is unable to sit and think and he has no activities he can do - can;t play computer games, can't read, can't draw - so the way he experiences things is through moving through them and walking and looking. Your ds might be similar.

A lot of his behaviour sounds as if it could be quite compulsive and or impulsive. DS1's compulsive behaviours are very hard to deal with although if I decide not to allow him to do something he will scream and shout but will get the idea.

I have smacked ds1 before on completely losing the plot. It's no good anyway- other than being something I don't want to do and wrong- because ds1 likes it howls with laughter and tried to get me to do it again (sensory seeking), and he thinks big cross reactions are hilarious. I've just learned to walk away (run away!) - providing we're somewhere where ds1 can shout and stamp but be safe. The safe environment is essential. It's hard though - especially when he just doesn't understand he is going too far.

ONe thing we've never used but I always have in mind as a possibility if needed is a safespace

oh Crelling good for car seat harnesses too (and very helpful and friendly if you ring and talk to them).

ds1 with his belt thing on a few years ago and scrolling down there are links to Safespace etc as well.

second link didn't work

hiya
god i feel for you girl its damm hard work with no instructions.
my ds still wakes at night hes 5
he can be really hyped up and looking for stuff to do all the time he can be agressive towards us but like ur little one is sorry after yes ive smacked him i always feel worse afterwards

we put my ds on eyeq omega 3 and 6 chews and he does seem calmer still doesnt sleep all night in his own bed like.

i just wanted to say keep up the good work girl hes lucky to have a caring mum like you and get all the help you can
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