Thinking of placing dd into SS care..at wits end...pls help

[crispyduck]

at least 90% of the day,she has outbursts

she has a lovely group of friends...no evidence of drugs, drink etc

This sounds a bizarre suggestion - but would you put her on the contraceptive pill?

I mention it because my hormonal outbursts are something to behold, and adolescence is one long hormone, but when I am on the pill, all is calm, all is serene, and maybe this could help your daughter.

does that really help? didnt think of that

crispyduck - I feel for you, I really do. Between the ages of 13 and 19, I was a C*NT to my parents (and I do not use that word ever). I was violent, nasty, did what I wanted and to hell with the consequences, I am sure you know the script. I also had 2 brothers. My parents also consulted SS with regards to how to deal with me and my father was a headteacher FFS!

I 100% agree with ThatBigGermanPrison, the pill can work WONDERS with regards to teenage hormones. As soon as I started it at 19, I mellowed. I am now a wonderful person (aged 33 ) but I was someone who just didn't mix very well with puberty. How was your DD as a young child? Did she display any of the outbursts you experience now?

she was the most sweetest child, shy, loving totally opposite to what she is now..when she turned 12....it slowly started getting worse...now its a living hell with her, do you get on with your parents now?

Have to be honest, I took drugs - ecstasy and cocaine from the age of 14 until 20, that also had something to do with the mood swings. I think you definitely need to see if drugs could be influencing her. Got in with the wrong crowd as such but even before I started all that, I was getting bad with attitude, school etc. I was expelled and had to have a Home Tutor. I had a total disregard for authority. As a baby and child in primary I was practically an angel. As I view it I always feel that some children don't like being babies or toddlers and play up and some children don't like being teenagers and act in a way like a toddler. Like all children have a period where they test their parents and their love for them. A form of attention in a way.

My relationship with my parents now is absolutely 200% WONDERFUL. They stood by me, didn't pressure me too much and sort of realised that I would grow out of it (helped that my dad had been a teacher and studied psychology so had a better grasp of behaviour than most parents). There wasn't an awful lot they could do to be honest. It makes me very very sad now but do you know what, it made me the person I am and it has made me realise what fabulous parents I have. What doesn't break you makes you stronger.

My advice to you would be to be as FIRM as you can be. Take absolutely no shit from her. Take all privileges away the moment she steps out of line. You have to have ZERO tolerance. As awful as it sounds, one day, after a monumental tantrum from me, my dad flipped and laid into me. As wrong as it was, it made me stand up and realise that I had pushed too far.

Do you mind if I ask what type of parent you are? Are you leaning towards being a bit too soft? My mum was and I walked all over her. My dad was very very very busy with his career and I felt that he didn't care.

Please stay strong, you will laugh about it in years to come. We do.

I dread my DDs becoming teenagers though.

nice to hear it all worked out well...tbh she doesnt go out anymore, most of her friends live far away so the drug thing is out of the question....when she has a tantrum, shit hits the fan....she is abusive violent, throws everything, punches, kicks, spits in your face,smashes up the house a couple of months ago she threw her tea all over her stepdad cause he told her off for her swearing and bad behaviour, he absolutely freaked on her(he has been a dad to her since she was 4)she is so disrespectful...family have tried to talked to her but they hit a brick wall...i think i have hardened more now than ever as the last couple of months but in the past i was soft but when she was younger i rarely had to tell her off
she tells me to f**k off on a daily basis and it is getting me really down

You sound like you need advice from a child psychologist to see if they can get to the bottom of her rages. She is raging at something but she probably has no idea herself what it is which flips the switch. Is she remorseful at all afterwards?

What punishment do you administer to her for all of this behaviour?

Crispy, if it's any comfort, my sister was a nightmare teenager - everything you have described and more. When I first took dh home to meet my family, he was genuinely shocked at the way she behaved. Had seen nothing like it.

But she grew up. And turned into the most wonderful person. So there is hope, in the long term.

Maybe it is hormonal? Would she agree to discussing it with GP or specialist?

have you been in touch with your Local Youth offending service?

They will be able to put you in touch with parenting courses specifically for teh parents of teenagers. its not because you are doing anything wrong or that you need training or anything like that..but you may find it helpfull to spend time in a room (without DD) with other parents who are finding it just as hard as you are. you may find it some comfort to know thatyour not the only one going through this...its a pretty common phase (sadly all too common)

also theyc an discuss other help that is available. My own team offer mentoring services where an adult volunteer meets with your DD to just hang out and chat, help her with college interviews/school work. sometimes its nice for them to be able to chat with someone outside of the family and totally independant. teh mentor doesn't even speak to you (unless there is a CP issue of course) so she will be able to sound off and get some adult advice back, without fear of upsetting anyone.

She sounds really messed up about something. It may be something that in your own mind is so small you dont even consider it would be an issue, but to a teenager it may be huge.

she is hormonal and everything seems a\ huge deal at this age.
You are doing massivly well for getting this far. But please don't place her in teh care of SS. Not only will it pretty much destroy any chance of a meaningfull relationshipo between you, it will be devestating for her and could have severe implications for any other children you have.

Sorry I have no experience of teenagers, hope you can find a way through this!

How does your daughter feel about it? Does it make her unhappy and self loathing, or does she say she reckon she doesn't care? If it's the former, I'd guess you have a chance of finding a way through by working with her and agreeing boundaries together. If the latter, well hey I haven't a clue what you do (sorry, that's less than helpful!).

You do sound like such a lovely mum, and I'd say it's more than likely she kicks off at you, because you're the one she loves most. Toddlers are always worst with their mums, and am guessing teenagers might be the same. How she's behaving is not acceptable for any of you, but I'd say don't push her away as that could maybe lose her altogether.

Whereabouts are you in the Country? Services vary depending on where you are. There is help out there for you both so don't despair ...

oh crispyduck, i really really feel for you. going through something similar with my DS. we are trying to get help now as he is only 10 and coming up to being a teenager and i am so scared for the future for us. he has done so much damage emotionally, mentally and physically and it has been so hard to get help, i could (and do ) cry. he has started to self harm and one of our doctors told us to confine him to his room with the door shut!!!

i agree with smee that sadly she probably takes it all out on you because she loves you and feels safe that you will always love her. one therapist did say that his emotional bucket is full and his young mind can't take any more. they need to know someone can contain their pain...usually mum.

wish i could give some advice, but all i can offer is best wishes and i really really hope you get through this